Alex’s brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“He said something about going out with the lads. But he hasn’t. He’d been with me and Kai since we came back into his life. He lied.”

“Sneaky bastard.” Alex laughs. “I was waiting around the corner when he said all that. The bastard nearly had me convinced even though I know he loves you. And look at you… your acting skills were amazing.”

“I wasn’t acting. I was angry as hell with him. But after that, I picked up on what he was doing. Well? The job. Was it true?”

He looks puzzled for a second before the penny finally drops. “You mean the last mission he went on?”

“Yes.”

“Um, yeah.” He uncomfortably rubs his nape. “That’s all true.”

“Why would he do that?”

His face softens as he begins to speak. “When men like us hand over our hearts it’s for a lifetime, sweetheart. It’s not an infatuation that will die when your wrinkles start to show, or if you put on some weight. The love won’t disappear with time. We’re passionate by nature. It’s forever. Mix that with a shit tonne of alcohol and depression and you may get somewhere close to where Noah’s state of mind was at that time.” He places his hands over mine to stop them from moving. “It may be hard to hear but if he hadn’t gone on that job he probably would have killed himself anyway, just with alcohol. In a way, it was his wake-up call. He pulled himself together after that.”

Tears run down my face. Images of a broken Noah flood my mind. That’s something I caused.

“Can you tell me anything about the sort of jobs he went on?”

Alex laughs and pulls away. “You want to know how he could kill someone, right?”

“It confuses me, to be honest.” He’s so gentle with me, with Kai. I wipe the tears away. I need to be stronger. I have to understand in order to fix the damage I caused.

“You know he took guys down today, don’t you? If Jase hadn’t stepped in, Noah would have happily killed his own biological father. It’s what he’s trained to do.”

My stomach clenches at the thought. “I suppose I’m a little unclear on the details.”

“Okay. Let me get this straight with you. I’ll simplify it. I’m guessing Noah never talked about this with you?”

I shake my head. “He tried to make me understand but—”

“You wouldn’t hear him out?” he offers.

Again, I shake my head. Shame for being so judgemental of something I knew nothing about heats my face. It took me a while to calm down, see I was being unreasonable and close-minded, but I had wanted to talk to him about it all. I sent him a text to say so. A little while after… they took me.

“Okay, Liz, simple version. He killed bad guys. He got paid very well for it, but risked a lot at the same time. He was deniable. Do you know what that means?”

“No. Not really.”

“It means if he got captured he was on his own. No one would come to his rescue. No government will jump in to save him. No one will admit he belongs to them. He would be left to either die, be tortured then killed, or be turned.”

My stomach twists and knots at the thought. People actually do these things through choice?

Alex continues. “The unit he worked for is called The Underdogs. Noah pulled out just before he set up the workshop. Bear also retired, but set up Pegasus. However, Bear still ran a team of special ops for the Dogs alongside his standard security.” Alex stands up and begins to pace. I fight a tiny smile. These boys are all so alike when agitated they could all be carbon copies of the other. Funny I never noticed before now.

He turns his gaze on me. “You following so far?”

“Just about.” The only sense I can really make from it all is I now understand Noah’s tattoo.

“Good. Okay. And I’m only sharing this with you because you’ve been through a lot. So, Noah begged Bear for that job, and he had to jump through fucking hoops to get Bear to let him go. I guess he just wanted to stop feeling anything. When Noah went silent, Bear moved heaven and fucking earth to get to him. We reckon if it had been ten minutes later when the lads arrived, Noah wouldn’t have been alive. You have no idea how bad things got for him. Got to admit, he’s a hard bastard to kill, though.” He laughs a little, but without much humour. “That last job he went on, he still took down his target before…” Alex trails off and sits back down.

I really want to know what happened to Noah, but at the same time, I don’t. I’m unsure I could deal with the details. The nightmare he had and the newer scars on his body tell the tale without words. For now, that’s enough.

“He hasn’t done anything like it since, until yesterday. Except Noah didn’t know we were working on a takedown op. He knew nothing except they had you. He decided to go after you on his own. Bear had been investigating Archie for a while and suspected he would try to pull Noah back in for some big op, but he wasn’t sure. There was no reason to tell him until he had something concrete. Then it was too late because unfortunately, we hadn’t factored in how stupid Archie was. Taking you was fucked up, unexpected and a harsh blow for Bear. When he was sure it was Archie who took you, he had to move quickly to get the team together so we could assist Noah in a way that wouldn’t tip Archie off. He knew whatever Archie had planned was about to blow up.”

He rubs his hands down his thighs. “Anyway, someone up the command chain was highly pissed that Archie was dealing with the bad guys, knew he had bigger plans. The Dogs have always been the good guys. They were used to run covert ops worldwide. That includes taking down things like child prostitution and human trafficking, amongst other things. Anything bad they were sent in to clean up. That was always our mission. But Archie was getting in bed with these lowlifes instead. That’s not how The Dogs operate. Never has been”

I let Alex continue because I’m struggling to take in all the information.

“If you want to know how Noah can take someone’s life, if you want to know how to resolve who he is to what you thought he was, then look at your son. Because I’m telling you now, the type of men he removed from this earth wouldn’t think twice about selling, torturing, or doing all kinds of sick shit to that little boy, or any other human, for a little bit of money.”

I fight the bile rising in my throat at Alex’s words. But the man Noah is becomes clearer. He’s not different. His past profession doesn’t change him. He’s a good person. A solider who protected those unable to defend themselves. He’s still who he’s always been. Just Noah.

The information is starting to sink in. “You knew all this and never told me?”

“What would I have said? Plus you’d never have believed me.”

I ponder that thought for a minute and decide he’s right. Unless Noah told me in detail, or I had seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe something like this is even possible. And I’m ashamed the courtesy I’m currently giving Alex wasn’t given to Noah when he tried to explain. “You’re right.” I stifle a yawn.

“I better let you get some rest. This must be a lot for you to take in.”

“I needed to know, Alex.”

He nods. “Yeah, I know.” He stands up and gives my hand a squeeze then walks towards the door.

“Alex?”

He turns back around. “You don’t need to ask. I’m on it as soon as I leave here.”

“Am I that easy to read?”

“Yeah.” A smile engulfs his face then sobers. “Don’t get your hopes up, though, okay? He loves you. But we all know he has stupid-arse ways of dealing with shit.”

As Alex leaves, I turn my head on my pillow and bury my face, letting the torrent of tears fall. I long to hold my son in my arms and let the feel of his little heartbeat heal the hurt in mine, like it has so many times over the years. Fear for Noah and shame for my part in the pain he’s dealing with grips me, along with a selfish fear for myself. Because if Noah left me here without speaking to me, it means he won’t be coming back.