Then I started pumping on his chest. Over and over again.

Then I breathed for him some more.

I continued like this for what felt like forever.

And every time I stopped to listen to his silent heart, I wanted to wail in anguish. I was pretty sure I was going to lose my mind.

But I couldn’t afford to.

Beck needed me.

So I breathed for him.

And I pumped his heart.

Until the paramedics came and took over.

“I love you, Corin Thompson.”

Why had I never said it back?

“I love you, Beckett,” I whispered as the EMTs put him on the stretcher, still administering CPR. Never stopping.

“I love you.”

But I hadn’t said it when it counted.

Only when it was too late.

Beckett

My heart was beating loudly in my ears. A strained sound that made it hard to hear.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

An echo of a ticking clock going on and on and on. Never ending.

My skin felt clammy and I was having trouble breathing. The crowded carnival was too loud. Too bright.

Too much.

And even though the air was cool for the end of April, I was burning up.

“Come on, Beck,” Corin called over her shoulder, squeezing my hand and pulling me down the midway.

I followed her, practically tripping over my own feet, feeling dizzy and off balance.

I rubbed at the tender spot just below my collarbone. A spot that was still slightly sore two months later.

It was that shitty Tilt-A-Whirl. I knew that guy kept us on way too long. I’m just feeling residual motion sickness. That’s it, I told myself, trying hard to believe the lie.

Corin led me toward a game with flashing lights and a grinning clown face cackling as it spun around. “Let’s play!” she urged, laughing in a way that was only now becoming familiar.

Because when I met Corin, she didn’t laugh.

She hardly ever smiled. And it had become my single mission in life to help her find reasons to.

Seeing her smile was now as essential to me as breathing.

From that very first day I spoke to her at the Mended Hearts support group, I knew that I couldn’t be truly happy unless she was too. As cheesy as it sounded, my weakening heart recognized what it needed to beat again.

She made me want to spout hyperbole and bad poetry.

She made me think about sunshine and moonbeams and staring at the stars all night just because we could.

I wanted to drown her in compliments even when she rolled her eyes and told me to shut up.

She made me want to be everything and anything.

With Corin you had to love like you breathed.

Because it was necessary.

I stopped suddenly, wrenching my hand free of hers, swaying slightly on my feet.

Maybe it was something I ate. The food at this place is probably crawling with salmonella.

I was pretty sure I saw the man serving my hot dog wipe his nose on his hand first.

That had to be it. I had ingested strange-guy bacteria.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I should have known better than to delude myself like that. Because excuses meant the difference between life and death. I couldn’t afford to miss the signs. To ignore the clues my body was trying to give me.

But I needed the blissful ignorance for just a few moments longer.

Corin was still laughing, not having noticed that I was no longer behind her. I didn’t want her to stop laughing.

She had spent a good portion of her life avoiding happiness. I wanted that for her. The happiness. The joy.

She deserved all of it and so much more.

I wanted her to have normal. I wanted her to have a future.

I wanted her to have a life.

So I tried to convince myself it was just gas pains. Or that maybe I was starting to come down with a bug.

Anything…everything but the truth.

I blinked my eyes a few times, trying to clear them. I suddenly felt as though I were staring down a dark tunnel, my breath wheezing in and out with effort.

I stumbled toward Corin, my hand reaching for her, wanting to touch her.

Needing it.

“Corin—”

“Beck! Look! I won!” she squealed, her brown eyes shining as she held onto the ugliest stuffed bear I had ever seen.

I tried to smile at her giddiness.

My lips stretched and then fell. I couldn’t do this one simple thing. One thing that meant the difference between that smile and her tears, and I couldn’t fucking do it.

Corin frowned. “Beckett, what’s wrong?”

The pressure in my chest became unbearable, bile rose in the back of my throat. I tried to wave away her concern, holding onto the last threads of my denial with stubborn tenacity.

“Nothing,” I said, my voice rough and raw.

I involuntarily braced myself as the pain in my chest spiked and I felt the shock as the defibrillator that was meant to keep me alive struggled to do its job.

I leaned over and threw up on the ground, sagging to my knees in the dirt. I paid no mind to the gasps of disgust around me.

“Oh my god, Beck!” Corin’s voice was no longer happy. She wasn’t smiling or laughing. And that hurt more than the agony in my chest.

I knew that it should only take a couple of minutes and I’d start feeling better. My heartbeat would regulate and I’d be able to breathe again.

That’s what my doctors had told me. I’d read all the pamphlets. I felt prepared.

So I waited in silent pain.

But it didn’t happen.

I didn’t feel better.

With every second I felt so much worse.

There wasn’t enough air for me to suck into my lungs.

There wasn’t enough blood circulating through my body.

And there would never, ever be enough time.

Fate was a cruel, heartless bitch.

“Beck!” Corin yelled, and I wanted to tell her it would be okay.

To just give me just a second and then I would be fine.

Then I would win her a stupid prize from a rigged carnie game. I’d kiss her senseless on the Ferris wheel. I’d hold her hand and pretend that we weren’t living on borrowed time.

For just one night we’d have the chance to be young and unburdened with the darker parts of life that had shadowed us for entirely too long.

I couldn’t lie.

Not to her.

Never to her.

My body shook as another shock hit me, my heart trying to beat on its own and failing.

Always failing.

My eyes burned with frustrated tears. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rage. I clutched at my shirt, pulling it away from hot skin.

I didn’t spare a moment for sadness or regret. I was taken over entirely by anger.

I hated my inadequate heart that felt absolutely everything but couldn’t do the one thing I needed it to.

To keep me here.

With Corin.

It wasn’t fair that after pushing Corin so hard to trust me, to trust in us, that my heart, that wretched, useless organ, would take it all away.

I looked up at the crying woman beside me. My beautiful, shattered Corin. I wished I could say the thousands of words she needed to hear.

You’ll be okay.

You can get through this.

You’re strong and brave and fucking amazing.

I love you.

I curled my hands into fists wanting things I’d never have.

I felt Corin’s tears on my face. Her hands in my hair. I wanted this forever.

But we weren’t so lucky.

We had run out of time.