Chapter 24

Corin

TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER

“He’ll wake up. And I don’t want to be gone when he does,” I argued when Tamsin tried to make me go home, take a shower, and get some sleep.

I sat in the same spot I had been in for the last twenty-four hours.

I kissed the back of Beckett’s lifeless hand and tried not to shudder at the feel of his cold skin. I spent most of the day staring at his face, looking for any sign that he was waking up.

“You’re not doing Beckett or yourself any good if you don’t eat and sleep.” Tamsin handed me a sandwich and I put it on the table beside Beck’s hospital bed.

“I’m fine,” I told her, not even believing myself.

Because I was so not fine.

Yesterday I had insisted on going to the fair in the park. It was a good day. He was happy. I was happy.

We were happy.

I should have known it wouldn’t last. I wasn’t cut out for hearts and flowers and happy endings.

We were holding hands, laughing. Kissing. Being together. We were a normal couple for just one day.

And then we weren’t anymore.

Beckett collapsed. He was unresponsive.

His heart stopped.

Sudden cardiac arrest.

I gave him CPR until the paramedics arrived. I was calm. Collected. Until they loaded him up in the back of the ambulance and continued to work on him. His lips were blue and he still wasn’t breathing.

Then I lost it.

They let me ride in the back of the ambulance with Beckett, but I barely remember getting to the hospital.

Things were a blur after that. Doctors and nurses swarmed the moment we arrived and whisked him away. I was told to stay in the waiting room until they had news.

I called Beckett’s parents¸ having grabbed his phone before they took him away.

I don’t know how long I stood there. But I was still in the same spot just inside the emergency room door when Meryl and Stanley arrived with Zoe. They asked me what happened. I don’t remember answering them.

Numb.

I was so, so numb.

We were there for hours and hours. The day turned to night and we still waited. Doctors came out and spoke to Meryl and Stanley.

Beckett had suffered from sudden cardiac arrest and they had resuscitated him. But now he was in a cardiac arrest–induced coma as a result of the oxygen deprivation that occurred after his heart stopped.

Coma.

Cardiac arrest.

Might not wake up.

Ever.

Meryl was crying. Stanley was holding her. Zoe sobbed in a corner, clutching her phone to her chest.

And I stood there. Unmoving.

Shock.

Disbelief.

We were having a normal day. We were happy.

I love you had been on the tip of my tongue. I had wanted to tell him.

I love you.

But I didn’t get a chance.

I vaguely recalled calling my sister. I didn’t know what instinct had me reaching out to her.

I would have been surprised by her coming immediately to my side if I weren’t. So. Numb.

“Have you slept at all?” Tamsin asked, pulling a chair up to the bed and sitting down beside me. I held Beckett’s hand tightly between mine. I wouldn’t let go of him. Not even when the nurses came in to check on him. I held him still.

He liked it when I touched him.

I never really did it enough.

I was going to make up for it now.

“The nurses brought me a pillow and blanket last night. I think I slept some.” I shrugged. I didn’t really care about things like sleeping and eating. I rubbed the back of Beckett’s hand, wishing it wasn’t so cold.

“His fingers are freezing. Do you think that’s okay? They seem way too cold,” I muttered, squeezing the tips of his fingers, trying to warm them up.

“It’s chilly in here, I’m sure that’s it,” Tamsin said.

I didn’t acknowledge her words. I was too busy trying to hold it together.

“When will his family get here?” Tamsin asked, tearing the sandwich she had brought for me in half and eating it.

“Soon,” I answered, my eyes never leaving Beckett’s face.

Then we were quiet again. The constant hiss of the ventilator and the monotonous beeping of the heart monitor drilled a hole through my brain.

“Our story has just started, Corin.”

He lied to me.

Not intentionally of course, but he had lied all the same. This didn’t look like the beginning of a story.

This was the end.

The only ending I should have ever expected.

“Have you been here all night, young lady?” The older nurse named Tonya came into the room. She read the numbers on the screens and wrote them in Beck’s patient log. “I don’t need to remind you that visiting hours are only until eight o’clock. And only one visitor in the room at a time.” She looked pointedly at my sister.

“I know. I’m sorry,” I said tiredly, and Tamsin looked ready to argue. I shook my head and she closed her mouth.

Tonya gave me a kind smile. “As long as you don’t get too loud, I’ll pretend I didn’t see two people in here.”

“Thanks,” I told her, trying to smile. But I couldn’t.

“Any change in his condition?” Tamsin asked, moving to make room for Tonya who readjusted Beck’s breathing tube and straightened the covers over his unmoving body.

“I wish there was,” she said sadly, looking down at Beckett. “Too young to be in here like this,” she murmured.

“I’ll be back in an hour to check on him. There should only be one person in here. Those are the rules,” Tonya reminded us with a wink.

After she left I sat down again and took Beckett’s hand. “He’s going to wake up, Tam. I know he will.”

I sounded so sure. It was a confidence I struggled to feel. To believe.

I sounded like Miss Positivity. I smiled thinking of how often I had called Beckett the same thing.

It was my turn to earn the title.

Because I wasn’t going to give up on him. Not ever.

Even if the odds seemed eternally stacked against us.

Even if my every instinct and experience were telling me that I had been here before. I knew what was going to happen.

“I hope he does, Cor. I really do.” Tamsin didn’t sound so convinced and I saw the doubt on her face.

“Don’t look like that,” I told her harshly.

“Like what?” she asked, startled.

“Like you don’t believe it. Like he won’t wake up,” I hissed.

“I’m not—”

“Yes you are! I see it in your eyes!” I was getting worked up. I couldn’t help it. Numbness was giving way to anger.

“Corin, I just think that maybe you should prepare yourself—”

“I will do no such thing, Tamsin. He’s not freaking dead! He’s breathing. His heart’s still beating! Don’t you dare tell me to prepare myself for something I know won’t happen!”

Tamsin put her hand on my shoulder. “Cor, calm down. I just remember what it was like for you with Mom and Dad. I know I wasn’t there for you then. But I will be here for you now.”

I stiffened under her touch.

“Beck isn’t Mom and Dad. This is completely different!”

Was it?

I felt a crippling sense of déjà vu. Noisy machines. Nurses rushing in and out. A pale, cold body lying on a bed hooked up to tubes.

The crushing grief was there, waiting to overwhelm me. It had never really gone away.

What if he never wakes up? What will I do then?

“He’s going to wake up, Tamsin. This isn’t the end.”

So sure.

So damn sure.

I couldn’t afford not to be.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Beckett’s parents came and still I sat. I wouldn’t leave. Screw the one-visitor-only policy.

I would stay until he woke up.

“The doctors are worried about brain damage. He went a long time without oxygen. His heart rate is steady but he still hasn’t woken up. They’re talking about trying hypothermic therapy.” Beckett’s dad was talking in low whispers to his wife.