Subject: LAE (long-ass email)

Calvin (sorry, I can’t seem to help myself),

Wow, Captain?! Impressive. I don’t know much about Rugby except that the players are big, and they get black eyes and banged up a lot. And they drive big trucks. Other than that, I’m pretty clueless. In my “free time”—if you can call it that—I spend a lot of time with my sorority sisters. Home is a 5-hour drive away, so I stay on campus most of the time and don’t go home often. My sorority sisters are my family. I like to read and dabble in writing (tweets  haha). I don’t mind hitting the bar scene every once in a while, but… guys are pretty grabby, and I can’t stand that. Grey

PS: I also want to add that other than inventing the occasional fake boyfriend, I’m usually always very honest.

To: grevkeller0143@state.edu

From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

Subject: Fake boyfriends are underrated

Grey, speaking of being very honest, I can honestly say I’m never intentionally been grabby with a woman. Although I don’t mind a consensual handful of ass cheek. Was that TOO honest for you? Just testing the waters. - Cal

To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

From: grevkeller0143@state.edu

Subject: No date is better than a blind date

Cal,

Is there such a thing as too honest? I’ll ponder that… As far as ass grabbing goes, I guess I wouldn’t mind it if the grabber was my date. Or my fake date. And since we’re being honest, the only person who knows you don’t exist—I mean, who knows you aren’t really my boyfriend—is my roommate Melody. I do feel terrible lying, but we can’t sit and talk about guys during our committee meetings. We get nothing done when we do. It drives my friends nuts that I’m single, and I do not want to be set up. Blind dates are the worst. Wouldn’t you agree? Grey

To: grevkeller0143@state.edu

From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

Subject: Use me up then spit me out.

So, what you’re saying is, you still plan on using me so your friends don’t try and set you up on a blind date? And yeah, I agree that those are the worst, although I’ve never been on one. Speaking of dating: I think it’s rude you haven’t asked my permission to use me. – Cal

To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

From: grevkeller0143@state.edu

Subject: Request document submitted

Calvin, do I have your permission to use you as my fake boyfriend? Grey

To: grevkeller0143@state.edu

From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

Subject: Request document received

Greyson, to answer that, I should probably have your cell phone number. – Cal

697-555-5155: Grey, this is Cal. Thought it would be easier to text rather than email. What was your question again?

Grey: Calvin, took you long enough to ask for my phone number.

Cal: For the sake of convenience, it had to be done.

Grey: That’s the story you’re sticking with?

Cal: Yup, pretty much.

Grey: I guess I’ll jump right to the negotiations then. Calvin, do I have your permission to use you as my fake boyfriend?

Cal: Let me think about it. This all seems so sudden… are you sure we’re not rushing into things?

Grey: You’re wittier than you look, Cal Thompson

Cal: THANKS! Shit. That felt like an insult. Or was it a compliment? Dammit.

Grey: LOL

Cal: LOL? Fucking rude is what you are. You’re lucky you’re an hour away.

Grey: Or you’d WHAT? Come kick my ass or something?

Cal: Or something.

Grey: So, do I have your permission?

Cal: Yes. But when I start feeling dirty and violated, I’m breaking up with you. Also, please don’t tell anyone I “put out” on the first date.

Grey: I never kiss and tell…

To: grevkeller0143@state.edu

From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

Subject: Gray skies and stormy weather.

Grey. This shitty, gray overcast day reminded me of you—but not in a bad way. How’s it going over there at State? Had a rugby match this weekend, and I’ve been icing some seriously sore muscles for the past few days. It sucks. Can hardly move. I also have a cracked lip and another black eye—one that matches the shiner you saw last week. But it looks badass, so who am I to complain? I never did ask what your major is. Mine is business. Yawn. Boring, right? My dad owns a commercial construction company, and after working in the field a few years, I plan to take over when he retires. - Cal

To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

From: grevkeller0143@state.edu

Subject: Grey the Procrastinator

Calvin,

Yes, I’m sticking with that moniker. For some reason, it pleases me knowing that you don’t like it… Business is also my major, except I’m not sure which direction I want to take it. Unlike most of my friends, I don’t really know what to do with a business degree. Choosing a major was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I actually waited to declare until I absolutely had to. I have passion for a lot of things. Like event planning and team building. Is that weird? Grey

To: grevkeller0143@state.edu

From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

Subject: The Family Business

Greyson, is that weird? Not at all. Isn’t diversity a good thing? My dad always says that having diverse interests gives you a leg up in business, so you’re already one step ahead of the game. My mom works in the accounts payable department of his office, and my sister is his Field Manager. She never wanted to work for the family but got roped into it two years ago when Dad had a stroke. Sis is Tabitha, and she’s pretty fucking cool. A ballbuster, but cool. Do you have any siblings, or are you a lonely only? – Calvin

To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu

From: grevkeller0143@state.edu

Subject: Farm Fresh California Milk

Calvin,

Did you think I wouldn’t notice you signed that email as Calvin? Cute, cute, cute. Now you’re stuck with it  Do I have any siblings? Yes, I have an older brother (Collin, 29) and a younger sister (Reagan, 18). Reagan is a freshman at State with me this year and sometimes stalks me on campus for a free coffee. I work at the Starbucks on campus part-part-time. Don’t even ask why they keep me employed, since I’m hardly available to work. Must be my sparkling wit and personality? So, did you at least score any TRYS during your game? Grey