April brought rain showers, threatening our personal time together. Since we’d decided I wouldn’t go inside his house, and we were unable to be together in public, that meant we saw less of each other. But I guess that worked out for the best, because we both seemed to struggle with our attraction and feared our relationship had begun to move in the wrong direction. We ended up talking one day about it over the phone.

“Do you ever wonder if we would be together had we met under different circumstances?” I’d asked, becoming slightly insecure.

“I’d like to think so.”

“So think about it. How much of this between us do you think is enhanced due to the forbidden aspect?”

“Bree,” he’d said on a sigh, warming me instantly because I knew his next words would be the truth. “I’m not the kind of person that likes forbidden things. They freak me out, to be honest. Just the fear of getting caught probably takes ten years off my life. I can’t speak for you, but for me, being with you has nothing to do with that.”

“Same here. But I’ve been looking up other stories about teachers dating their students, and almost none of them work out. Professionals say it’s because the allure of it goes away once the relationship is no longer considered taboo. They also say that most of the time, it’s a male teacher and female student, and that makes him a pedophile.”

“Do you think I’m a pedophile, Aubrey?” I could tell by the way he’d asked it, that I’d somehow offended him.

“No. That’s not what I meant. I was just telling you what they say.”

“I know what they say. And that shit bothers me.” His words had come out in a growl, and I knew immediately that I’d pissed him off. “There are real sick people in this world, monsters that prey on young kids. And the more society points their finger at guys like me, accusing them of doing the same thing as those disgusting perverts, it lessens the real situation. I don’t find young girls attractive. I don’t look at teenagers and have perverse thoughts. Falling for one girl, who just happens to be a year away from being eighteen, doesn’t make me a pervert. It doesn’t make me a pedophile. But that won’t stop society from labeling me as such.”

“I didn’t mean to make you mad. I wasn’t accusing you of that.”

“I know.” With his sigh, I could practically feel him relaxing. “I just hate how society is making the real issues fuzzy. It’s not just about this, it’s about a lot of things. There are real pedophiles out there, ones that prey on the young and weak. There are true racists out there that do despicable things to people, say hateful words, and go out of their way to hurt others. And as a society, we’re not doing the real victims of racism any good by throwing that word out all the time. We’re not doing anyone any good by ignoring the real issues and falsely accusing people of things.”

I wasn’t able to hold back my laugh, regardless of how heavy our conversation had turned. “You should’ve gone into politics, Axel. The world needs you.”

“Maybe, but I only need you.”

His words made me grin and a fiery heat ignited in my cheeks. “Can I be honest with you, without you taking offense or getting upset? I hate to talk about this over the phone, but we haven’t been able to see each other much, and I feel like I need to get this out.”

He’d grown silent, but then promised—reluctantly—to stay calm.

“I’ve told you this before, but I don’t think you took me seriously. You have this undeniable need to care for people. You helped your friend when you were younger, you help your family any way you can…you’re a freaking teacher for heaven’s sake. You have a really big heart, and you care about everything and everyone. But, if I’m being honest, as much as I love that about you, it scares the crap out of me. It makes me think that you’re drawn to me because you want to protect me. You’ve said it like a million times—how you want to save me and protect me from my mom.”

“I wish I could answer that for you, Bree. But right now, I don’t think I can. I guess I’ve never thought about it like that before. You’re right, though…I want to keep you safe. I want to show you just how wrong your mother is about you. I want to unleash the fierce animal inside of you, all while holding you close out of fear of you getting hurt. But I also see you for who you are, and that’s what draws me to you.”

“It just makes me wonder if we’d be together had it all been different. Like…if we’d met in the future. If I’d graduated high school and left my mom, found my own inner strength, and never needed you to drive me home when I was too sick to walk, or make me soup and buy me medicine. If I hadn’t needed you to come to my aid, would we be together?”

“I’d like to think so.”

“But you don’t believe so,” I’d said, translating his words for him.

“I don’t know, Bree. If I saw you standing on the street, I’d notice you. If we sat across from each other at a bar, and you looked my way, you’d catch my attention. If we were in line at a grocery store and you laughed, you would’ve made my head turn. You act like you were invisible to me prior to showing up with a busted face. That’s not true. We talked—although brief—the day before. Your cheeks turned red, your eyes lit up, and you smiled. I saw those things. I also noticed how withdrawn you became in class, how you didn’t appear to be paying any attention. All those things were before I learned about your struggles. Before I wanted to save you.”

As he spoke, I closed my eyes, trying to visualize how he saw me that first day.

“So…do I think we’d be together in some alternate universe where your mom loved you and I wasn’t your teacher? More than likely. But you asked an honest question, and it deserves an honest answer. I can’t give that to you without thinking about it. You’re right, I like to help people, always have and always will. I’ve never thought that had anything to do with us, but if it worries you, then it deserves some serious thought.”

We didn’t speak about it again after that night, and we went on like we always did. However, our conversations did change slightly after that. We started asking each other more personal questions, delving in to all the cracks in order to get to know one another on a more intimate level. I eventually told him about my dad and the reasons he gave for leaving. Axel wanted to spend more time on that topic than I did, but I gave in and discussed it further. I don’t think it made him change his mind about my dad much, but he supported my decision to let it go. In the end, we both decided it was best to leave the past where it was, and wash our hands of the negativity it brought.

He didn’t know, and I never told him, but the idea of having more with him became a thought. I knew it wouldn’t happen anytime in the near future, but that didn’t stop the questions that consumed my mind. How many girls had he been with? When did he lose his virginity? Has he ever taken a girl’s innocence? And what would it be like to give him mine? The more we talked, the deeper things became, and it made it harder to block out my desire for him. But I never told him any of this, because it would only serve to prove his point when he said we couldn’t have it both ways. He had tried to warn me that there was a natural progression with these types of things, and I had quickly learned that he wasn’t joking. There definitely was a point of no return. It seemed as if one thing would innocently lead to another and another.

So out of curiosity, I’d asked him one night about his first time. He didn’t want to talk about it with me and deemed the conversation as off limits, but I pushed. I learned that he lost his virginity when he was eighteen to his high school sweetheart—it was her first time, too. He couldn’t give me any details about it other than it didn’t last very long, and apparently, it wasn’t that great. But he said it taught him something. He thought they would be together forever. They’d go off to school, graduate, and then get married. But they never got that far, because she cheated on him in their first year of college. He assumed it had to do with her age and inexperience, and the whole grass-is-greener thing had made her curious about other people and what she may be missing.