“Oh. That’s kind of romantic, actually.”

“You think so?” Winnie questioned curiously.

“Well, yeah, staying together for love is better than staying together because of a piece of paper. The paper is the prison. Making the choice to stay with someone without the prison feels more like true love to me.”

Winnie grinned and gave me a perceptive look. “Your parents divorced, didn’t they?”

I only shrugged before I heard recognisable laughter from behind and turned to see Marina approaching. Her red hair was up in an intricate French twist, and she wore a long black dress that would have looked like Victorian mourning garb if it weren’t for the bustier and cleavage. On any other woman her age, I would have said the cleavage was excessive, but somehow it suited her.

“I knew there was a reason why I liked you,” she said as she came to stand beside me. I felt a little embarrassed to be caught talking about her, but I knew she didn’t mind after she squeezed my hand and gave me a wink. I caught a quick flash of Jack walking by, his eyes meeting mine for a fraction of a second before he was gone again. This was how things had been the past few days. Catching glimpses of him, but no real contact. He was keeping his distance, and I constantly felt like my lungs were burning.

I wanted to reach out to him, but feared being pushed away again. I’d been agonising over what he’d said, trying to figure out what it all meant, but I knew deep down he’d been purposefully vague. He didn’t want me to know the truth, whatever it was.

So tonight was all about celebrating. I decided I was going to force myself to have a good time, even though my heart had other ideas. The stupid thing wanted me lying in bed, agonising over Jack and his sudden distance. And no way was I letting that happen.

When I arrived back at the camper, I found Lola and Violet in the living area, doing each other’s hair and makeup. This whole attack thing had really brought them closer together. It was heart-warming to see their friendship evolving, and, let’s face it, my heart definitely needed a bit of warmth these days.

For the party, Lola talked me into wearing a tight little black dress she owned but never wore because it was too big for her. Surprise, surprise, it fit me perfectly, and I hardly recognised myself as I examined my appearance in our tiny bathroom mirror. Violet had done my makeup all smoky and dark, which made my blue-grey eyes look brighter somehow, and Lola curled my straight blonde hair into flowing waves.

“I have to say, we all look hot as fuck tonight,” Lola declared as we stood in the kitchen, passing around a small bottle of vodka and taking turns knocking it back. Violet and I both looked at each other and laughed. Our Lola was back, and it felt really good to see her being her old self again.

I knew choosing to wear heels was a bad decision when I stepped outside onto the grass and felt the vodka take hold. Thankfully, Lola linked her arm through mine for balance before I could stumble to my knees. When we arrived at the gazebo, I recognised some of the circus workers had formed a band; one guy played the accordion, one played an acoustic guitar, and the third beat his hands on a wooden barrel he was using as a drum. The music they played was loud and rhythmic, and it made me feel excited.

“Fucking show-offs,” I heard Violet mutter grumpily, and my eyes wandered in the direction she was looking. Just to the right of the gazebo was a tall tree, lit up in the dark by dozens of tea light candles nestled at its base. Its branches spread out like veins fifteen feet high in the air. From the branches hung three women in various poses, and I instantly recognised it was Julie and her sisters. They hung from the silk they usually used in their act, but unlike inside the Spiegeltent, none of them were moving.

It was certainly a striking scene, and though I wasn’t exactly fond of Julie, I thought that what she and her sisters had created was beautiful. Mary’s limbs were spread out like a starfish, while Molly wrapped her body around the silk, clinging to it like a koala. Julie’s pose was the pièce de resistance, as she hung elegantly in the middle, the silk holding her at the waist.

“Don’t be so cynical, Vi,” said Lola, nudging her with her elbow. “It’s performance art. I think it looks pretty.”

“It’s a pity none of them are pretty on the inside.”

“Okay, so Julie might be a bitch, but Mary and Molly are okay,” Lola conceded as she followed Violet over to a table of drinks and party food. I stood in place, still taking in the scene. They’d chosen the strongest three branches to hang from, and they were so still I began to wonder if they were even breathing. It was mesmerising, and I hated to admit it, but I’d give anything to have a couple of hours right now to paint them.

I felt rather than saw the movement to my left, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jack standing there. His eyes weren’t on the sisters, they were on me, and I felt positively violated as they wandered from my face to my chest and then all down my body and back up again. He was definitely noticing my more glamorous than usual appearance, and I so desperately wanted to know what he thought of it.

Did he like this me better than the everyday me?

Did glamour and makeup mean anything to him?

I got the distinct feeling that it didn’t. I mean, sometimes he wore eyeliner as part of his act, but that was all just for dramatics, to make him look as dark and mysterious as the art he performed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Marina had suggested it to him. I just couldn’t see Jack thinking to wear eyeliner on his own.

I felt suspended in time and space as I slowly turned to him and gave him a look of acknowledgement. It said, I know you’re there, and I know you’re not going to talk to me. I pulled myself away and went to find Violet and Lola. They were sitting with the Brazilian stuntmen, which was just fantastic, since I’d promised myself I’d keep my distance from Pedro. The place was crowded and there wasn’t anywhere else to sit, so I sighed and gave in, taking a spot across from him. He openly leered at me, his seedy gaze contradicting the fun-loving, carefree image he tried to present to everyone else.

He said something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch, but I got the distinct sense it wasn’t friendly. My hackles rose instantly, and I was about to give up on this party before it had even started when somebody slid onto the bench next to me, making it a very tight squeeze. His smell was so familiar, and the tension inside me loosened just to have Jack close.

How could he ever think he was a danger to me when he made me feel this safe?

I was frozen in place, felt too exposed to acknowledge him, but the outside of his thigh pressed up against mine and our shoulders were touching. Such sweet relief it was even to have this small, impersonal amount of contact.

“Her saviour arrives.” Pedro spat disdainfully before picking up his beer and taking a long swig.

Lola passed me a plastic cup with red wine and I took it gratefully, glad to have some small distraction from Jack’s closeness. I wanted to say something to him, even make polite small talk, but I couldn’t seem to find my voice.

My attention was distracted when people began cheering and clapping as Marina took to the makeshift stage where the band was playing. There was no microphone, but somehow her voice carried well around the space.

“As many of you who knew him will agree, Konrad was one of the best people the world ever thought to spit out. He was a marvellously twisted human being, and so perfect in his madness. That madness took him in the end, and, like many who came before him, he put out his own flame. But in his life he created all of this,” she said, spreading her arms out, “and so, on this day I will always think of him, and I will always thank him for leaving behind such beauty in my memories.” She stopped and brought a shot glass to her mouth, knocking it back in one go. “Here’s to the love of my life. May he wander between the worlds until we meet again.”