Before that day I’d thought I’d moved on from my ‘school-girl’ infatuation. When I’d seen Ben having sex with Sonya two years ago and then subsequently kissed Rhett Morgan by the dumpsters, something inside me had changed. Maybe it was a punch to the face of reality or possibly a little loss of innocence, or maybe just the empowerment I felt from kissing someone else…ever since that moment, my feelings for Ben had subsided. In the time since, I’d even kissed a couple different boys and been on a handful of awkward dates. Nothing life-changing, of course, or even worth reminiscing over. But I couldn’t deny it, when I walked into that classroom and spotted Ben—it brought me right back to where I’d been prior to seeing him with Sonya.

All those dulled feelings started burning red-hot again. Because this time one little important detail had changed. Ben no longer was with Sonya. Their breakup had been ‘heard round the school,’ so to speak, and it was common knowledge that they were over. That fact opened my eyes to possibility once more, and I took a chance the old me wouldn’t have dared. I sat down in the seat next to his.

“Hi, Sydney,” he’d whispered. “Glad I know at least one other person in here.”

“Same,” I’d responded.

And that was the start of our friendship.

The real Ben wasn’t exactly as I’d assumed. In the days following that first day, I’d really gotten to know him. Previously I thought I knew him pretty well. But it turned out that I’d been wrong. Sure, I knew facts about him, like the fact that when he wore the color blue his eyes would make my knees feel wobbly, and when he spoke he could draw the attention of an entire room. But I quickly learned that studying a person from afar didn’t mean you actually knew anything about them.

There was a sadness inside Ben—this heaviness that weighed him down. It was something I noticed immediately. The class we shared was a calculus class and it was over my head. I’d always been good at math, but this was harder than I’d expected. Ben had the opposite problem. If anything the class was too easy for him. Almost immediately he recognized that it was difficult for me and he helped me in every way he could. He was kind and patient, staying after class to explain lessons when I didn’t pick things up as fast as he had. Ben had an altruistic side to him and it was his most attractive quality.

But that sadness. At first I attributed it to his breakup with Sonya. He never spoke of her, but I could see it in his eyes. Something was killing him so I figured that must be it. Sure, we’d talk about movies and laugh about the ridiculous outfits our professor wore, but there was more going on with Ben—more that I wished I could ask him about. Until one day—minutes before our last class and our final exam, we were sitting on a bench outside the classroom flipping through our notes in a final study session before the big test, and that was when Ben let me in.

“I’m joining the Coast Guard,” Ben confessed.

I froze. I’d been gnawing on the end of my pencil, anxious as all hell, because of our impending exam and because this was my last day with Ben. In the past few weeks we’d become friends. But I wanted more than a friendship…I wanted a relationship. I wanted to tell him how my heart always beat harder whenever he was near or how special he could make me feel with just a single look. If I didn’t tell him this today, I feared I would never get another chance. That was a lot of pressure to put on myself, especially when I had no idea where to begin or if Ben even felt a fraction of what I felt. But I had to try. Except, now he was dropping this bomb on me and it made me reconsider everything I had planned to say.

“That’s why I’ve been taking these classes,” he continued. “After today I’ll have enough credits to graduate early and skip senior year. I’m getting out of this town. I’ve already been talking with a recruiter. No one else knows, but I’m doing this. I have to…for my own sanity.”

Carefully breathing in and out, I attempted to process his words. My already frantic mind grew even more so. He wanted to skip senior year and leave? What? I could feel my opportunity to tell him how I felt slipping through my fingers. “Wow,” I whispered, trying not to sound disappointed. “That’s…unexpected.”

“Yeah. I know.” Ben’s pretty blue eyes focused on his notebook as his disheveled dark hair fell over his forehead and covered those eyes. He sighed, tugging his fingers through his locks. And it occurred to me as he did this—Ben was nervous. Or scared as hell. I couldn’t decide which. Either way, I wanted to erase whatever it was that seemed to be crippling him. To do that I knew I had to push aside my own feelings and tell him what he needed to hear.

“It’s unexpected, but also pretty badass,” I said, feigning some enthusiasm.

“What?” He looked up at me. Surprise and sincerity flooded his face. He was probably stunned by the fact that I—good girl Sydney Michaels—just used the word ‘badass.’

“Yes,” I answered, unable to stop myself now that I’d started. “You heard me correctly. It’s badass. Your leaving would be a giant ‘fuck-you’ to this town. I think that’s what you’re really going for.” I grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “Whatever your reason, you should do what makes you happy.”

The heaviness that hit my heart as I said this was crushing. The last thing I wanted was for him to leave, but I genuinely wanted him to be happy and the reward that came next made all my lies worthwhile.

Ben wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and held onto me like a life preserver. “Thanks,” he whispered. “You have no idea how badly I need someone to support me on this.”

“No problem,” I mumbled into his shoulder—his very warm, muscular, heavenly shoulder.

After a moment, he broke his embrace. “Can I email you while I’m away?” he asked, clearing his throat and gathering up his math book and binder.

The blood that was racing through my veins sped even harder. “Yes.”

“Good. My decision to leave isn’t a ‘fuck-you’ to the town or to a certain someone. I’m leaving because some mistakes can’t be fixed. But know that…that I will miss you, Sydney.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

That conversation took place exactly six months and four days ago. It would forever be cemented in my brain. We exchanged many emails and several phone calls in those six months. And yet, there was never a clear definition as to what our relationship was—friends? More than friends? Perhaps a little of both. In the end I suppose it didn’t make a difference. Ben died when he fell overboard on a rescue mission off the coast of California. It happened at night, he was in full gear, and there was suspicion that the floatation device he was using wasn’t fully inflated. They waited forty-eight hours before officially declaring him dead, and his body was never recovered.

And today…today would be Ben’s funeral. Today his family and the world would bury an empty casket, saying goodbye, and forever killing the ‘what if’ I had dreamed about for the past four years of my life.

It felt like I was stuck in a nightmare from which I couldn’t wake up. Alive but not fully alive. Aware but not fully aware. Breathing but only just barely—each breath more difficult to manage than the one before it.

Today was also my eighteenth birthday. And the only reason I knew the date was because my brother John had once again made pancakes for breakfast, something that had become sort of an annual tradition. But I didn’t care what day it was or how old I was or what was for breakfast. Because Ben was dead. Nothing else mattered now.

“Sydney, wear this,” Mom told me as she unzipped her dress bag. She’d driven straight through the night and had arrived only ten minutes ago from Florida. She hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours—the proof in the four empty cans of Red Bull she’d chucked in the trash after walking in the door. But she was here and she looked more determined to be my mother than ever before. That was the thing about my mom—ninety percent of the time she wasn’t around, but when it mattered most I could count on her to show up, even if showing up meant driving through the night when she couldn’t get a flight.