Brooks sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and looked at me as though I had sprouted an additional head. “Did you seriously just tell me that you’re with Maxx again? The guy you got kicked out of the counseling program for? The guy who loved his drugs more than I love shitty movies? That Maxx?” he asked, his voice turning hard and brittle.

I sat down across from him at the table. I started to pick at my nails in nervousness, but promptly stopped.

“He’s trying to change,” I started, but Brooks’s disbelieving laughter stopped me.

“Oh my God! Will you listen to yourself ? I swear I feel like I’m stuck in a goddamned time warp! Or at least a really bad Lifetime movie. Weren’t we having this conversation only a couple of months ago? Seriously?” Brooks laughed again, but his eyes told me there was nothing funny about the situation.

“Look, I’m telling you because you’re my friend and after everything that happened before . . . I didn’t want to lie to you.”

“Oh wow! Don’t I feel special!” Brooks sneered. “Do you want me to give you a round of applause for jumping back into bed with the guy who ruined you once already? How about I pat you on the back and say Way to go for making the same mistake twice, buddy! ”

I started to fume. I couldn’t help it. Brooks’s condescending moral superiority had always pushed my buttons.

“Give me some fucking credit, Brooks! I’m not going into this blind! I know what it looks like to you! I know you think I’m a fool. But I’m not. I’m not going to pretend that he doesn’t have problems. Because he does . . . in spades. But so do I. I’m a damn mess! I’m a big ol’ jumbled pile of issues! Love isn’t conditional. Or at least the real kind isn’t. What kind of person would I be if I expected him to accept me for my faults but I won’t accept his? I know what happened before. I know what I’m putting on the line by loving him, but it is what it is. So either accept it or don’t, I don’t really give a shit!” I yelled, my anger taking over.

“You’re on academic suspension, Aubrey!” Brooks smacked the surface of the table with his palm, the sound echoing around the kitchen.

“I know! And I’ll tell Dr. Lowell, and we’ll see what happens. But maybe the counseling program’s not what I’m supposed to be doing,” I said with a shrug.

Brooks looked stunned. “What are you talking about? You’ve wanted to be an addictions counselor for as long as I’ve known you! Don’t you see how messed up it is that you’re thinking about throwing all of that away over some guy . . .”

“No, Brooks! This has nothing to do with Maxx! I came to LU thinking I could make things right after Jayme’s death. I think . . . maybe I went into my major for the wrong reasons.”

Brooks rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as though he had a headache. “I just don’t even know what to say to that.”

Well, this was going just about how I expected it to. Though I had hoped I’d be wrong.

Brooks dropped his hands and looked at me, his eyes sad. “What do you want from me, Aubrey?” he asked tiredly. “My blessing? Because I can’t do that. Not after I saw the way he hurt you. Not after watching you turn yourself inside out over him.”

He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. The physical contact shocked me. “I know you think this is what you want. That you have this amazing, epic love. But you don’t. What you have, what you’ve always had, is an unhealthy obsessive dependence. You feed off the worst of each other. You deserve so much more than that,” Brooks said, his words sounding more like a plea.

What he said had been true . . . once.

He painted a picture of the Maxx and Aubrey we had been months ago. Not the Maxx and Aubrey we were trying to be now.

But how could I fault him for calling it like he saw it?

“I understand that you can’t accept it, Brooks. I just hope you’ll still be my friend.” I was probably being incredibly selfish, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing him again.

“Why does it matter if you have me in your life when you have him?” Brooks spat out, rather immaturely.

I widened my eyes. “Because you’re my friend and I love you,” I told him.

Brooks shook his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. “You just don’t get it. I love you, too, Aubrey. So much,” he said, his voice cracking.

“I know you do, Brooks—”

“No, Aubrey, you don’t get it. I love you. I’m talking a give-you-a-kidney-if-you-needed-one kind of love here. It’s an elope-to-Vegas-tomorrow-and-love-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life kind of thing.” Brooks laughed, but he looked like he was in pain.

I thought I might throw up.

This is not how I pictured this conversation going at all. Though I should have guessed.

I remembered how desperately I had thrown myself at him only a month before. What had I expected him to feel after I had been playing with his emotions to make myself feel better?

Next time you kiss me, mean it, he had told me.

I was such a jerk.

“Brooks—” I started, but he held his hand up, stopping me.

“Yeah, so I never thought I’d be telling you this after you just finished telling me you were in love with another dude. It definitely sucks. But I just needed you to see you have options. That you have me.”

Brooks got to his feet and gathered his bags, leaving the food he had brought with him.

“Where are you going?” I asked, feeling a little panicky. I didn’t know where this whole I love you thing was going to leave us. This felt so much worse than when we had stopped talking the last time.

That had been done out of anger. This time he was leaving because of rejection.

My rejection.

Because I couldn’t return his sentiment, and he knew that.

“I’m thinking hanging out would be a little weird and I kind of have to process the fact that I just confessed to my best friend that I’m ridiculously in love with her.” Brooks gave me a sad half smile.

“You don’t have to go . . .” I began.

“Yes I do. Because you love Maxx. You’re with him. And I can’t be a silent, supportive friend about that right now. Maybe one day I can, but it will take me some time. Please be cool with that, Aubrey.”

I followed him to the door, wanting to reach out and stop him. But I couldn’t touch him. Not now. Not after his confession and my realization that I had brought this entire thing on myself by being completely inconsiderate of his feelings.

“Does this mean we’re not friends anymore?” I asked, sounding small.

Brooks turned around and looked at me, his eyes unreadable. And then he hugged me. A tight, chest-to-chest, folding-me-into-his-body hug. I could hear his heartbeat beneath my ear.

When he pulled away, I felt alone. “I’ll always be your friend, Aubrey. I love you too much to ever push you out of my life again. It hurts more to not talk to you than it does to have you love someone else. I just have to deal with the fact that I may have made a complete jackass of myself here tonight.” He laughed again, this time a little lighter.

“You’re not a jackass, Brooks. You’re amazing, and I have never deserved your loyalty,” I told him, meaning it.

Brooks mussed my hair in a platonic gesture. “Yes you do, Aubrey. You deserve the world.” He cleared his throat, and his smile was a bit more natural this time. “Save me some chicken korma. I’ll eat it next time I come over.”

“Okay,” I said quietly, watching him leave.

chapter

twenty-six

maxx

hitting rock bottom was easy.

It’s the climbing back up that I was finding to be near impossible.

My life had made so much sense back when I could take a few pills and pretend that the stuff that I really had to worry about—school, Landon, paying bills—didn’t matter.