Nodding, I continued, “Then my dad basically knocked some sense into me. He enrolled me into therapy for my anger management and drinking problem. I hated it at first, but the same group also landed me my first job as a bus boy. I soon realized that putting all my restlessness into something productive was good for me. It wasn’t long until I became a workaholic and realized that positivity was all I needed to better myself. I needed good things in my life to prevent me from going bad again.”

“So that’s why you shut me out? Why you stopped calling me and stopped returning my calls to you? Because I wasn’t a good influence?” She shook her head in disbelief.

Shit. This was harder than I even thought it would be.

“No. I cut you off because I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d want to move back and be with you. I couldn’t move back. I couldn’t go back to the guy I once was. The angry guy. The reckless guy. I just couldn’t.”

There. I had ripped off the bandage. Now I had nothing to do but wait until I finished bleeding.

Rocky blinked incredulously. “So why come back now? After all these years? And why come to work at my store when you obviously could afford not to work in Bethel Falls at all.”

“You never really saw my mom.”

“Yeah, I have.”

I shook my head in shock. I couldn’t believe my mother had finally gotten to Rocky too. For years Rocky saw her as I did—a manipulative man handler. I couldn’t believe the woman pulled one over on such a smart woman.

“No. You saw her, but you didn’t see her. You only saw what she wanted you to see. Like today.”

“She was sick and she was lonely,” she griped.

“And she was showing her good side. When you’re not there you don’t hear her calling me an idiot, a mistake, or stupid every five minutes. You don’t hear her yelling at me and blaming me for being the reason why Dad never came back. She’s a master manipulator and she gets you to believe what she wants you to.”

It hurt. All of it. I couldn’t deny it any longer. My parents, no matter how great my dad finally acted, both fucked up my life. They fucked me up bad.

My voice was like an echo, rebounding to me after all words were spoken. I didn’t even know what the hell I was saying anymore. It was as if my mind and body were disconnected; my mouth moving on its own accord. Slowly, I began to regain consciousness just in the nick of time.

“That doesn’t answer anything about me. Why did you stop talking to me? If you wanted to show me that and tell me I still meant a lot to you, why did you even want to shut me out to begin with?” Rocky’s voice invaded my abyss and though accusatory, I was grateful for it.

“Because I was weak!” I let out a strained laugh. “Don’t you see that? I was always weak! From getting caught up with drinking at seventeen to allowing myself to hit rock bottom.” I looked down, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. “I was pathetic.”

“Of all the lame excuses…”

Seriously? After I just spilled my heart and soul?

I glanced up angrily. “No. Listen to me, please. Every time I called you I’d feel my resolve weaken. I’d want to pack my bags and whisk you away like I promised. The only thing stopping me was the fact that you were in Bethel Falls and I knew I owed it to myself and my dad not to go back. Then you went to college, which was…”

I watched the color fade from Rocky’s face. She blinked not just once, but twice before responding, “Out of town.”

“I knew I could visit you then, but I was afraid that somehow I’d drag us both down.”

“Why?”

I bit my lip so hard that my eyes began to water. “Promise you won’t get mad.”

“Why would I get mad?” Her voice shook ever so slightly.

Not knowing how else to describe the emotions that barreled through my body every time I was near her, I whispered, “You were like my trigger.”

“What?” Her nostrils flared angrily. “How can I be a trigger? I never made you do anything that you didn’t want to. In fact, I was always following you.”

I considered my answer for a moment. “Being around you does something to me. It reminds me of throwing everything out the window and just being reckless.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

And just like that, everything I’ve held inside of me…every layer of guilt, insecurity, and hope came spilling out. I knew she probably wouldn’t understand. Hell, sometimes I felt like I still didn’t. Yet there was no turning back now.

I shut my eyes and allowed the words to take free rein. “I know it doesn’t to you, but it does to me. You…you represented the good in a time that was so bad. You were like the reward when I did something wrong. It was a fucked up form of positive reinforcement, I guess. I was afraid that if I saw you again I’d revert back to the boy I was in Bethel Falls. Every time I spoke to you over the phone I felt the same rush I did whenever we were together. I had no idea what would happen if I actually saw you in person and that’s why I stopped calling you and answering your calls.”

“It can’t be possible,” she whispered.

“What was that?” My eyes peeled open. I stared at Rocky, praying that she had figured me out. I wanted to come right out and say it. I wanted to say I love you and I always have, but something was stopping me.

Fear?

Maybe.

Possibly the knowledge that even as a business owner and even as a grown man I did not measure up to what she deserved…

Or possibly that she feels the same way and I’d be willing to leave everything in Charleston for a shit life in Bethel Falls.

“Never mind,” she replied quickly.

I blinked in both disappointment and relief, feeling a heavy rush of air escape my lungs. Frowning, I watched her eyes brighten excitedly.

Gazing at me shyly, she remarked, “I don’t think the rush you felt had anything to do with being bad.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do, because…” She shook her head and changed the subject, leaving me with whiplash. “If you were planning on hiring a nurse for your mother all along, why even come back for so long? Better yet, why did you take a job with us? Unless you’re uncomfortable.” Even I wasn’t dense enough not to catch the sarcastic venom dripping from her tone.

“My dad told me that to be a better man you sometimes have to do things you don’t want to.

As much as it pained me to face my mom again, I knew I had to do it. I also thought that because more than enough time had passed, past triggers wouldn’t affect me as much. I’d grown enough as a man to be able to stand my ground and remain the person I became. I was finally brave enough to face my fears.”

Who was I kidding? I was still afraid of one thing and I was looking right at her.

“Okay…” She shook her head in doubt.

I peeled away the final protective layer. It was both therapeutic and painful. “That included seeing you, of course. I wanted to see you so much but how could I? Like you said, I cut you off completely. Why would you even want to see me again? I couldn’t help but go over the same questions in my mind, over and over again. Would you be angry? Would you want to see me? Would you remember me?”

“Of course I’d remember you, dummy.”

I had to chuckle at that. “Yeah, right. Either way I knew I needed to stop being a pussy and be what I kept convincing myself I was—a man. I needed to see you but I wasn’t sure how to approach it. Then as luck would have it I ran into your dad at the pharmacy. He did a double take of course and had the reaction I expected.”

“Shit.”

Same old Rocky, still deathly afraid that I cared whether or not her parents liked me. Sure, it’d be nice if they did, but the most important person I cared about was sitting right across from me. “But then I explained to him why I was in town. I told him how much I changed and…”

“And what?”

“He asked if I needed a job. I guess he felt sorry enough for me to lift that ban he had against me seeing his daughter, right?”