FOR THE FIRST Time in weeks, Felicity and I are having dinner at home, just the two of us. She and Elliot are celebrating one year this weekend. We have a party planned for tomorrow night here at the house. Felicity doesn't know it yet, but Elliot has big plans for their anniversary.

"Are things okay with you? You seem different." She's hesitant. Why is she hesitant?

"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?" I take another bite of my salad, picking around the tomatoes. I try not to make eye contact. She can read me like an open book and I don't want to give anything away.

"It just seems like you're going out a lot lately."

"Oh! So what?" That was a quick shift in the subject.

"Well-"

"Is my social life affecting you in some way that I'm not aware of?" I regret the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth. Felicity has never done anything other than support me when I've needed it the most. I need to dial back the anger in my voice.

"We're concerned about you, Reagan."

Great! Elliot is concerned too. He wasn't concerned the other night when he called to tell me about this weekend. He wasn't concerned when I talked to him at lunch this afternoon.

"About what? There's nothing to be concerned about. You two should just focus on yourselves."

"He's not coming home, Reagan."

My fork falls from my hand and crashes into the bowl. The world starts to spin around me as it sinks in. Her words strike deep. I knew it was a possibility, but I prayed that it wouldn't become my reality. I've held on to his return for so long now that I don't know if I can give up. My feelings for him won't change because of this. Nothing could ever change that.

"When did Elliot tell you?" I want answers. How long have they kept this from me? Why didn't Elliot tell me himself?

"I overheard him on the phone last night when I stopped by. He was planning on telling you this weekend. I wasn't supposed to tell you. I think he's trying to talk some sense into Luke. He wants him to come home as much as you do."

"I'm sure he does."

I have to get out of here. My mind is racing a mile a minute. I should call him. It's been a long time coming. I know how to pick up a phone. I can get his number from Elliot. If I could just get these feelings off my chest then maybe I will be able to move on. If he's not coming home, I have to.

I lace up my shoes and take off down the beach. I'm pushing myself too hard. The sun is almost down, darkness is surrounding me. I don't care. I keep running until I hit my mark and then I turn back. I'm halfway back to the house when my legs start to give out. I have to stop. As soon as I bend over my dinner comes up. I'm trying to catch my breath when I feel someone approach from behind.

"Water?" He asks. Leave it to him to be here at my weakest moment. I hate when people see me like this. I don't like looking vulnerable. I stand and turn to face him. I gratefully accept the water bottle he's extending towards me and drink it down.

Will takes a seat in the sand and I follow suit. My legs are trembling and my heart is still racing. I need to rest for a minute before I head back to the house. Looks like I have some company.

"What are you doing out here? I thought you only ran in the morning?"

"I needed to get out some frustrations."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." If I stay any longer he might get the idea that he can convince me to talk. Ready or not, I need to head back. "Thanks for the water. I'll see you around."

I toss Will his water bottle before jogging slowly back towards the house. I practically crawl up the steps of the porch and into the house. I start the shower and stand under the cold spray until my body is numb. I knock on Felicity's door before heading to bed, but she doesn't answer.

Tomorrow. I'll fix this tomorrow. It's not her fault that he's not coming home. It's not her fault that I'm in love with someone who is afraid to love me back. It's not her fault that I've spent the last nine years fantasizing about one man, planning my life around one moment. A moment that isn't going to happen.

My gift to Felicity for her anniversary is a day at the spa. It's also my chance to apologize to her for the way I've been acting. When she tried to talk to me about it last night, I blew up on her. I felt bad instantly but instead of admitting that I was being a bitch, I stormed out.

We ride to the spa in silence. I know what I need to say. I have the words, but they won't come out. I'm ashamed of how I reacted. I should have been preparing for the worst instead of expecting the best. I should have known that he wouldn't come home. Time to suck it up and ask for forgiveness.

"I'm really sorry, Felicity. I know it's not your fault and I shouldn't have been such a bitch to you." She doesn't respond right away. I turn my blinker on and pull up to the spa. The valet it as my door in seconds, but I hit the locks. We need a moment still.

"I'm not going to apologize for being worried about you, Reagan. I'm still worried about you. You’re self-destructive right now and the fact that Luke isn't coming home makes me even more concerned. I don't want you to do something that you'll regret the rest of your life."

"I won't. I promise. I'm attempting to come to terms with it, but I'm going to need time. I've waited so long, I don't know what to do right now." I don't know how else to put it. My head is still spinning and the only thing I can focus on is the fact that I may have wasted my life waiting for someone that I'll never have.

One kiss changed my fate. I let it happen. No. I made it happen. I based decisions off of the feelings that consumed me after that day in the woods. I led a life that has been self-destructive since that day. It's not a new development it's just enhanced over time.

I need to let my dreams go. I need to let Luke go. I just don't know how.

After a relaxing day at the spa, I take Felicity to Elliot's. I'll see them again in a few hours. He needs time alone with her, though. Felicity and I seem to be headed in the right direction. She's accepted my apology, but I can tell that something is still bothering her. Her day is only going to get better as it goes along. Elliot will make sure of that.

We walk in the front door and I holler for Elliot so he knows we're here.

"Out back." The voice is familiar, but it's not Elliot's.

I rush to the patio to find James standing, waiting to engulf me in a hug. What a fantastic surprise.

"Hey beautiful."

"What are you doing here?" I hug him again and squeeze a little tighter this time.

"I thought I would drop in for the weekend. When Elliot told me he was celebrating a year with Felicity, I had to see for myself." He lets go of me to give Felicity a hug. "I can't believe you stuck with him this long."

"Stop it, James. You make it sound like I should have my head examined."

Elliot's phone rings and he excuses himself. The look on his face tells me that it's a call he doesn't want to take. I can't imagine work is calling him on the weekend. When he doesn't return after a few minutes, I go in search of him.

I hear him in the kitchen, softly yelling. I stop before I enter when I hear what he's saying.

"You're an asshole. Why not? It's only a weekend, Luke." There's a long pause. I peek around the corner. His back is to me. His body is hunched over the counter, his fist is clenching and unclenching. "We want to see you, you know. You could at least-