Remember that.

Always in my heart,

Luke

January 5, 2010

Reagan,

I'm home safe. I thought you might want to know. It was scary over there. There are no other word to describe it. Of all the places that I hope to show you one day, that is not one of them. When we do decide to travel together, we will be skipping the Middle East. You're going to have to trust me on this.

I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to write to you more the last few months. It's been a little chaotic. My commanding officer asked me to re-enlist last week and I've been tossing the idea around. I called Elliot to ask his opinion. You can guess how that went over. He's still begging me to come home. He wants me to come visit.

It's not that I don't want to. I do. I miss my brothers. I miss my family. Most of all, I miss you. That's what scares me the most. I'm afraid to see you. Not because I think that things will be different. I know they will. I'm afraid to see the pain in your eyes. The pain that I've caused. I'm also afraid to see the love.

I'm afraid that if I see it, I won't be able to hide my feelings for you any longer. What terrifies me even more than seeing you and the love in your eyes? The idea that your love for me may have faded. That it won't be there the next time we're in the same room together.

I hope that's not true. More than anything.

Always in my heart,

Luke

READING LUKE'S LETTERS caused my heart to swell. Until the last one. Then I cried. What boyfriend? Did Elliot lie to him? I look at the date on the top and think back. Who was I dating at the time? Who did Elliot meet?

I know he met Preston, but that can't be who he was talking about. Is it?

It doesn't matter now. All that matters is where we decide to go from here. Where I decide I want to go from here. I know exactly where that is. Now, I need to talk to Luke.

No. I need to go see him. I can't leave right now. I have to go back to work on Monday and Felicity needs me. I promised her parents that I would take care of her when they left. I can't break my promise to them. They would never forgive me. Plus, I've already lost one of my best friends. I can't lose the other one.

Before the summer is over. I'll take the summer and spend it with Felicity. I'll help her recover and get back on her feet. When she goes back to work, I'll take a vacation east. I've never been to North Carolina. I think it's about time I check it out.

FELICITY IS RECOVERING well, but she's putting on weight too. I know she's not nearly as active as she use to be, but I've never seen her this hefty. She eats healthy and stays away from all caffeine, except coffee. Even that hasn't appealed to her lately.

She claims that she feels fine and insists on going back to work on Monday. I beg her to go to the doctor first to get checked out.

"I don't need to see another doctor, Reagan. Don't you think that if something was wrong with me, one of the ones I saw after the accident would have said something to me?" I hear how irritated she is, but I'm not giving up. I'm actually going to push her buttons and get her really pissed off in a minute.

"You hadn't put on this much weight last month. In fact, it's been in the last two weeks."

"So basically you want me to get checked out because I'm getting fat?" She tilts her head to the side, hand on her hip. She's obviously not happy with me. I'm getting that look. It's the same look I've been getting a lot recently. I call it her "you're not my mother" look. It's kind of cute.

"Hear me out. You have never been this heavy the entire time I've known you. You could eat like crap for months and not gain weight. You have to admit that something is wrong. Please, Felicity. Just let the doctors check you out." I lay it on thick. I stick my bottom lip out and give her my sad eyes. I really am concerned for her. I'm the spastic girl who searched her symptoms on the Internet last night. Bad idea.

"Fine but you owe me ice cream for letting you drag me to another doctor."

I do a little happy dance and grab my phone, dialing my physician before she can change her mind. He's able to squeeze her in this afternoon which works perfectly. My flight leaves tomorrow morning and I want to make sure that she's okay before I skip town for a few days.

"You're appointment is at two. Do you want ice cream before or after?"

"Have you called Luke yet?" Felicity asks, taking a seat at the counter.

"Nice subject change. Not yet. I think I want to surprise him." I've thought about calling him since I bought my ticket last week. I can't bring myself to do it.

"That should be interesting. What if he's not home?"

"Then I'll wait. Or I'll call. I'll probably just wait unless it takes him forever and then I'll have to call." I'm rambling. I'm sure she can hear how nervous I am. I can hear it. It's only been a few months, but so much can change in an instant, this is no different.

"Have you thought about asking James for help?"

"Where do you think I got his address? He offered to help, but I declined. I want to do this on my own. I need to."

Felicity smiles at me softly. I know she's happy for me, but right now she's thinking about Elliot. Her eyes betray her. Her smile doesn't light up the room and her eyes are sad. I called her out on it once and only once. She cried when I did. Now, I take it as a sign to change the subject.

I lost Luke once and I remember clearly how devastated I was. For years, he was all I thought about. My darkness will never compare to the hell that Felicity has been through. After she came home, she was sick all the time. They kept changing her meds and nothing helped. Finally, she stopped taking them all together and the vomiting ceased.

A few weeks after she came home she seemed to be in a better place. It didn't last long. The Evans sold Elliot's condo and called to ask Felicity if there was anything she wanted before they cleared it out. I volunteered to go over and get her things and a few things I thought she might like, but she insisted that she do it herself. Alone.

When she didn't come back for hours I got worried and went over there. I found her curled in a ball on his bed, sobbing. She was clutching one of Elliot's shirts for dear life. I had to call James to come and help me get her home. The shirt came with us, along with a handful of other ones I thought she might want later on. She sleeps in them most nights, but I've never seen a single one of them in the laundry pile. I'm assuming they still smell like him.

The last few weeks she's been coping better; helping her has helped me. I dream of Elliot from time to time but not as often. I miss our conversations, but I know that when he's not with me at night that he's comforting her. She needs him more than I do at this point.

We stop for ice cream on the way to the doctor’s office. Felicity orders a plain chocolate cone, Elliot's favorite. It's the little things I've noticed lately. She's clinging to things about him that I will never understand. His favorite ice cream. His favorite movies. The music they use to listen to together. She's trying to keep his memory alive the only way she knows how, the only way she can.

She goes into the room alone. I pull my phone out of my purse and contemplate calling Luke a hundred times before she comes back out. I talk myself out of it before I hit send. I really want to surprise him, but he's never been one to enjoy surprises. Hopefully, this will change his mind. This is meant to be a good surprise.