I wish I knew what to say. I'm not surprised that his parents are avoiding everyone and everything right now. They just buried their son. No parent should ever outlive their child. That's not the way it's supposed to be.
"I have to go see my parents for dinner this week so I'll stop over and check on them."
"Thanks, Reagan. I'd appreciate that. Elliot would too." James' voice catches in his throat when he says Elliot's name. I wonder how he's really dealing with all of this right now.
I think about the fact that I'm an only child. When I go, my parents will be all alone. The Evans have two children that will be a constant reminder of the one they lost. I can't decide what's worse. Losing your only child or staring at your living children and being constantly reminded of the one you lost.
I let James go so that I can check on Felicity. She's sound asleep when I peek my head in her room. She probably won't get back up tonight. I know she's been looking forward to sleeping in her own bed. It probably feels amazing compared to the hospital bed she's spent the last week cooped up in.
I try calling Luke one more time and it goes straight to voicemail. The stress of today is killing me. I need to clear my head. I change into shorts and a tank. That first step on the beach is the hardest. The silence allows my thoughts to creep in. On a normal day, I would welcome the time to think things through. Today, I would prefer my brain to shut down.
Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out.
I replay my conversations with Luke over the last few days. I replay my conversations with Felicity too. I remind myself to clean up the puke when I get back to the house. I think of Elliot. I focus on all the good times we had together over the years.
I laugh out loud when I remember the frat party he took me to. The look on that frat boys face when I told him that Elliot and I were dating still makes me giggle. The idea of dating Elliot makes me giggle. He was the greatest person I ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. He was a perfect match for Felicity.
My steps falter when I pass Will's house. The lights are on. I try not to look, but I can't help myself. I see movement in his kitchen. It’s Will. He's shirtless, staring out the window. It makes me wonder if he's watching for me. My running patterns have been mixed lately.
I slow down and eventually come to a stop. He hasn't moved. He's still staring and even though I'm sure he can't see me it feels as if he's staring straight at me. I want to lift my hand and wave, but I can't. If he is watching me, if he can see me, waving would only confuse him further.
I turn toward home, cutting my run short. I've lost my ambition. I suddenly crave the warmth and comfort of my bed. I want to pull the covers up to my chin and hibernate like the Evans.
The sorrow creeps in. In the last week, I've lost my best friend and the love of my life. I let him leave when I should have begged him to stay. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will call him and beg him to come back.
I crawl under the covers and pull Luke's letters out of my night stand. I need to feel his love right now. What better way than to read his words. The words he wrote to me, for me.
March 19, 2007
Reagan,
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I signed up for another four years. I know you'll ask me why one day and you'll want the truth so here it is.
I asked Elliot about you. He blew up at me. He told me about your boyfriend. I'm glad you're happy. The fact that you have someone in your life makes me happy for you. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone figured out how wonderful you were and held onto you. I hope he treats you well.
I figured if you had moved on, there's no reason for me to come home. I don't want to interfere. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I always imagined that it would be me that made you happy, but since I'm not there it couldn't be.
I ran from you, Reagan. I was scared. The thought of ruining your life scared me. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I was stronger right now. If I were, I wouldn't have signed that contract. Instead, I would be on the next flight to New Haven. We would be together like we were meant to be.
You may not be mine anymore, but you will always own me. I love you, Reagan. I always will. Please do not ever doubt that.
Always in my heart,
Luke
November 15, 2008
Reagan,
Wow! Japan is a beautiful place. I'm starting a list of places that I want to take you. This is at the top of the list right now. I haven't made it off the base yet, but the view alone is worth seeing. Mount Fuji is miles away from us yet it looks so close. I should take a picture and send it to you. Maybe with the next letter.
I'm going to be over here for at least six months. We're in a safe area so you don't need to worry about me. I have no idea where they're sending me after this. There have been rumors, but nothing has been confirmed. I'll let you know if my next destination needs to be added to the list or if we can skip it.
Elliot and I had an actual conversation before I left the other day. We didn't argue at all. I think he was kissing my ass because I was leaving the country. I know he worries even if he won't say it. If the situation were reversed I would worry about him too. Do me a favor and pop up and see him if you get time. He sounds like me needs a friend.
My shift starts in ten minutes so I have to get going. Night watch. It's supposed to storm like crazy tonight so I hope they don't have me walking the perimeter. That would suck.
Always in my heart,
Luke
April 21, 2009
Reagan,
They're sending me to Germany for a month. Nothing to worry about over there right now so another safe destination. I'm actually excited about heading there. The weather here in Japan is awful. It seems like every time I'm on patrol it rains. Last time I could have sworn a typhoon blew through.
I wish I had the courage to send one of these letters. I want to know how you're doing. I've thought about asking Elliot, but I can't get up the courage. We've been getting along so well lately that I don't want to mess that up. I wish he understood.
Screw it. I'm going to ask him next time I talk to him. I plan on calling him when I get to Germany now that I know I'm headed somewhere that won't freak him or my parents out. I try to only send home good news. No need to worry them. I've been lucky so far. My luck will run out eventually.
I hope your well. I hope school is going well.
Always in my heart,
Luke
July 17, 2009
Reagan,
I knew they would eventually call my number. I don't want you to freak out, but they're sending us into the Middle East. I don't know where exactly. I do know it'll be dangerous. In case things don't turn out like I hope, I've written you a letter (not this one) that I carry with me. If something happens to me, you'll get that letter. I hope it never reaches you.
There are two things that you need to know in case something does happen and the letter doesn't reach you.
1. I love you. With all my heart. I always will. I carry you everywhere with me. I don't need a picture to remember the look on your face when I first kissed you. That memory is ingrained in my brain for life. It was the most remarkable expression I have ever seen. I put that look on your face.
2. That look... I plan on giving it to you again. I will come home, Reagan. I will do everything I can to hold on and come back to you. The next time I kiss you will not be like last time. Next time, I won't stop kissing you.