You can’t give someone something that you don’t have. I don’t have the capacity to be in a relationship. To be with someone and give them a piece of you. Carly took half of me with her, and I have worked hard to bury the other half. I haven’t had a problem with the way I lived my life for the past six years. Then comes Jake and everything is changing. He makes me want things I swore off. Like sex. Never had it and I don’t plan to, that’s not to say I haven’t given myself orgasms. The difference is that sex is just too intimate, especially since it would be my first time. It requires sharing a part of you with someone. Screw that.

His hands release me, and my body feels so good I don’t dare move. “You fall asleep?” I shake my head. Another knock at the door sounds and Jake gets up to answer it. He’s answering my door now? This thing is snowballing. I would get up and beat him to the punch, but there is no way I’d make it there fast enough.

When I see him walk by me with bags, I’m confused. “What’s that?”

“I knew you girls wouldn’t be able to move tonight, so I ordered food for the three of us.” He begins to unpack different containers.

“How did you know I would let you in?”

“Call it intuition. I can read you like a book, Sparky.” That’s what scares me.

I groan as I force myself up from the floor although my muscles do feel a little better. I text Tina from my phone not willing to take the extra steps to knock on her door. “Thanks for dinner, again.”

He smiles at me. “Get used to it. As much as you may try, you aren’t getting rid of me.”

He takes his plate into the living room as I begin to make mine. Not getting rid of him. I wish I didn’t have to. I can’t give him any kind of normalcy. I’m so screwed up, and I would only bring him down with me. I need to change his mind.

I need to make him hate me.

Chapter Seven

Nina

I wake up with a clear head and it is evident that Jake isn’t backing off. I also know that if I let things continue on this course that I will give in to him sooner or later. After we ate last night, he hung out with Tina and me. We watched a movie and talked about random things. He is worming his way into my everyday activities. I have one option left, and that’s to completely shut him out. No more coming over. No more text messages. Nothing.

Step one is that I block his number in my phone. Step two is to make sure that Tina understands I’m serious and not to go behind my back. “I need you to promise me, T.”

She shakes her head. “Why are you sabotaging yourself? He might be good for you. You’ll never know if you just shut everyone out. It isn’t healthy. Just consider that giving him a chance might be a good idea.”

“A good idea? I bet the people on the Titanic thought that taking a cruise would be a good idea. Didn't seem to work out for them, though.” I throw my hands up in frustration that she doesn’t get it.

“You did not just compare yourself to a Titanic victim. You need a damn reality check, girl. The only person hurting you right now is yourself. That boy has been chasing you around and been putting himself out there for days even after constant rejection. If he were some asshole who didn’t care, he would be long gone by now.” Her voice is tight, and I can tell she is frustrated with me.

She doesn’t get it, though. I’m not scared that he doesn’t care; I’m scared that he does. “I have to go to work. Please back me up on this?”

“Whatever, psycho, it’s your life.” She gives me a dismissive wave before walking away. On the drive to work, I can’t help but wonder how he will react. Will he finally give up? A sick part of me hopes he doesn’t.

As I pass Kelly, she hands me another box. I take it knowing exactly who it’s from. Once I get into my room, I place it on the counter watching it like it might explode. This box is much smaller than the others and square. I notice a card and pick it up.

Maybe this will help improve your mood.

He doesn’t sign his name but he doesn’t need to. I open the box and can’t help but smile. It’s a Starbucks gift card, the actual card is multicolored with the phrase “Coffee makes you smile” on it. He really is a great guy. I hope he moves on and finds someone who is worthy of his feelings.

My day drags by as my head is jumbled with thoughts of Jake and memories of my sister. I buried that stuff long ago but since I met him I have been thinking of her more and more. My guilt over losing her is so consuming that at times I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s my fault she’s gone. I could have stopped her. I was selfish. I was too worried about going out, having fun, dating. My own ignorance cost my sister her life. This is why a relationship with Jake would never work. I can’t love someone else when I hate myself.

When my shift finally ends I sit in my car forever. I don’t want to go home. I know he’ll be there, and if he isn’t, I know Tina will grill me. She doesn’t know anything about Carly or my life before I moved here. My phone rings and I see that it’s Sam. Samantha Chase is one of the biggest pop stars in the US. I was her hair stylist and the two of us became really close. When she decided to leave LA and move here she convinced me to come with her. I had avoided this town for so long, because there are so many memories of Carly here. I agreed to move with her before I figured out that the place she was going was my hometown, that’s my luck though.

“Hey.” My voice is quieter than normal. I’m hoping she doesn’t notice.

“Hey, girl, what’s been going on? I’m coming home in two days, so I thought we could get together for dinner.” Her voice is cheery as usual.

“Sure, hey, my other line is beeping. Can I call you back?”

“Yeah, no problem! Talk to you soon.” I end the call without saying another word. My head falls into my hands, and I decide to go to the one place that feels like home.

As I walk up to her headstone, my stomach drops. My hand traces the script engraved in the stone. It’s been so long since the night I lost her, but it still feels like yesterday.

I bounce into Carly’s room and see that she’s sleeping, again. All she ever wants to do anymore is sleep. I swear these past few months I don’t even know her anymore. “Car, you going to come to homecoming tonight? Riley texted me and said that he can’t wait to see me! I need to pick out the perfect thing to wear.”

She doesn’t open her eyes.

“I know you hear me! You have got to stop sulking! You’re so depressing, it isn’t funny. Where the hell did my fun twin go?”

Still no response. I’m starting to get pissed off.

I pick up one of her stuffed animals on the floor and chuck it at her face. It simply bounces off of her and knocks over something on the end table. I bend down and notice it’s her Ambien pills; the doctor gave them to her because she was having trouble sleeping at night. The bottle is empty, though, and mom just sent me to pick these up yesterday. A chill runs up my spine.

NO!

I clasp her face. “Carly! Carly, wake up!” Her skin is cold to the touch, and she isn’t responding. “Car, please! I’m sorry for being a bitch these past couple months! Please wake up!”  I lay my head on her chest trying to listen for her heartbeat, but deafening silence surrounds me. “Mom!” I shriek as I collapse on top of my sister.

It’s my fault.

I’m so sorry, Carly.

I’ll never forgive myself.

I sit down on the grass and pull my knees to my chest, laying my head on the cold stone. “I miss you so much. If you were here, everything would be so different. When you died, a part of me did too. You were my sister, my other half. Nothing has felt right since the day I lost you. I should have been there for you. I saw how depressed you were. I just thought that it was you being moody. I should have forced you to talk to me. I shouldn’t have accepted you telling me it was nothing.” Tears stream down my face. “You deserved better. If I cared more, if I wasn’t so self-centered, I could have stopped you. I could have helped you, and we could have fought your demons together.”