She steps forward and presses her palms flat against the glass. Fuck, she knows. The devastation I see cross her features rips my fucking heart in two. I watch as a lone tear cascades down her cheek. What I wouldn’t give to hold her right now. Kiss her. Tell her I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her in my life.

Jumping out the window, I pick up my bag and start walking towards my car. I take one last look over my shoulder at the only other person on this earth, apart from my mum that I love. Yes, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts. Last night just confirmed it.

She’s the only person that has made me feel like I’m somebody. The only person that has accepted me for who I am—the real Carter Reynolds. The person I am on the inside. Not the illegitimate child. The bastard. The real me. She knows my story and still cares. Still wants me around.

I’m not used to people wanting me, so the fact that she does is something I’ll never forget. I’ll treasure the time I’ve spent with her. She’ll always have my heart. I know that for a fact.

As much as it kills me, I need to let her go. Although she may not think so, she deserves so much more than I can ever give. So much more. I was born a bastard and I’ll die a bastard. That’s never going to change. In time I know my doom and gloom will dull her sunshine. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s perfect just the way she is.

I open the trunk of my car and place my suitcase and backpack inside. My heart is so heavy as I move around to the driver’s door.

“Carter, please don’t go. Don’t leave me,” I hear her cry from behind me. Christ. She’s come outside. I don’t turn around. I can’t. I wish I could stay. Better still, I wish I could take her with me, but that’s not an option.

Ignoring her, I open the door and climb in. Tears cloud my eyes. I didn’t think this would be so hard. I turn the key in the ignition and back out of the driveway. My eyes betray me as I take one last look at the kid. The kid that stole my heart. The kid that managed to penetrate my darkness, and for the briefest of moments showed me what it was like to have light in my heart again. Fuck I’m going to miss her and her smart mouth.

She needs to forget me. I swear I literally feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as I watch her standing there. Her arms wrapped around her tiny body. Tears are streaming down her beautiful face. It takes every bit of strength I have not to go to her.

There’s so much I want to say to her. So much. So much I want to thank her for. But, instead I do what I need to do to help her forget me. To help her move on. I flip her off as I put my foot down and drive away. Drive away from the only two people who’ll ever hold a place in my heart …

PART

TWO

CHAPTER ONE

Five years later …

Carter

I’m jolted out of my sleep by our song; Let her go, by Passenger. Well technically it’s not our song, but it’s the one that reminds me of her. Of us. I heard it a few days after I left. For the first time in years I cried. Cried like a fucking baby. It’s been the ringtone on my phone ever since. I don’t know why I torture myself by keeping it. All it does is remind me of what I’ve lost. Of the one and only girl I’ve ever loved.

I reach for my phone on the bedside table just as the brunette beside me stirs. Fuck, is she still here? “What time is it?” she asks.

“Time you got dressed and left,” I answer looking at the clock. Shit. 4:30am. Who’d be calling me at this hour? It better be a life or fucking death situation or someone’s gonna get their arse kicked. When I see my mum’s number on the screen my heart drops.  Jumping out of bed, I turn to the chick that shouldn’t be here.

I can’t even remember her name. Is it Sarah … Samantha … Shona? Fuck me. I’m sure it starts with an ‘S’. Either way, I don’t do sleepovers. I’m always upfront with every girl I bring home. They know exactly what they’re getting into. I’m pretty sure I told her to leave last night after we fucked. I guess I fell asleep and she didn’t listen. I fucking hate it when they do that.

“Get your shit and go,” I snap.

“I want to go back to sleep,” she whines, pissing me off even more. Scooping her clothes off the floor, I toss them on the bed. It’s not like I didn’t make it perfectly clear last night. This was a hook-up and nothing more. The majority of them are pretty good, but occasionally you get one of those needy ones that think they can change me. Like they have some kind of magical pussy that’s gonna keep me coming back for more. Sorry, not happening. There’s only one girl on this earth that can do that for me—my Indi. Nobody will ever live up to her. Nobody.

“Go,” I say in a warning tone as I turn and walk out of the room so I can take this call. “Mum?”

“Carter,” she cries.

“Shit, Mum. What’s wrong?” I ask in a panic.

“It’s … It’s John.” Just hearing that fucker’s name has my blood pressure rising. If he’s hurt her in any way I’ll rip him apart. “He’s dead.” Well I wasn’t expecting her to say that.

“What? What do you mean he’s dead? What happened?” To be honest I don’t give a shit that he has died, my only concern is my mum. I’ve always hated him, but I need to remember my mother loved him. God only knows why.

“Carter,” she sobs. “I don’t know what happened. I rolled over in bed and put my arm around him. He was so cold. He …” She starts to cry uncontrollably. It breaks my fucking heart to hear her cry. “I need you to come home, please.” Can I go back there? I suppose I don’t really have a choice. This isn’t about me. She needs me. It only takes me a split second to make my decision.

“I’m coming, Mum. I’ll be home in a few hours. Will you be okay until I get there?”

“Yes,” she whispers.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” I assure her.

“Thank you, sweetie,” she sniffles. It kills me to hear her so upset. “I feel so alone.” Christ, I hate that she feels that way. I know all too well what alone feels like.

Going back there is the last thing I want to do. I’ve spent the last five years trying to forget. My mum needs me, though.

••••

After showering and packing a few things into a bag, I’m on the road by 5:00am. As soon as I hit the freeway I pull out my phone to call my mum. I’m living in Newcastle these days. It’s a two-hour drive, north of Sydney. There’s nothing I don’t love about this place. It’s my home now and I’ll never leave. The people are great, I love the pace of life, it’s not as hectic as Sydney, and the beaches are spectacular. Originally I moved up north to try to put some distance between Indi and I. I thought it would help, but even if I moved to the ends of the earth I know she’d still be on my mind and in my heart.

When I was working with Jax, I was only a half hour drive away. Sometimes the temptation to drive past her house was hard to ignore. Being up here hasn’t stopped that desire to see her, but over time I’ve managed to deal with it.

I hate that I’m so far away from my mum right now. She’s all alone and sounded so distressed when she called. Understandably, I suppose. I’m itching to get to her as soon as I can.

“Hello,” a male voice says. I recognise it straight away. I feel my lips curve into a smile. Thank fuck he’s with her. Relief washes over me.

“Ross. Hi, it’s Carter. Christ I’m glad you’re there with her.”

“Carter, my boy,” he says affectionately. I can tell by the tone in his voice he’s happy to hear from me. It’s the same reaction I’ve gotten whenever we’ve talked over the past five years. “As soon as I heard the call come into the station I came straight here.”