Picking up the plate of fruit I’ve just chopped up for Indi, I head back into the lounge room where she’s snuggled up on the sofa with LJ. Her gaze moves away from the television and locks with mine when I enter the room. I plaster a smile on my face to try and mask the inner turmoil that rages inside me. Thankfully she returns the smile. I’ve done a good job of hiding my worry and uncertainty from her all day.

Indi hasn’t been that bad today. It’s one of the rare good ones. She slept for a few hours after we arrived home from the hospital, but she’s been awake ever since. She even managed to eat all her lunch and keep it down, which pleases me to no end.

“Here you go, beautiful,” I say when I kneel down in front of her and place the plate on her lap. “Is there anything else I can get you before I leave?”

“Nope, but thank you,” she replies as her shaky hand reaches out to caress my face.

“I’m gonna have to get going. Mum’s appointment is at three. Your dad just called and he’s on his way home. He’s gonna sit with you until I get back.”

“I don’t need babysitting, Carter. I’ll be fine until you get back,” she says with an eye roll. I love her sass.

“I know, but I’d feel better knowing you’re not alone.” I lean forward and gently place my lips on hers. Ross knows where we’re going, but I’ve asked him not to tell Indiana. He needed to know because with mum and I both being away, someone had to be here for Indi just in case. I was also interested to hear his take on this. Unlike me, he thinks this meeting is a good idea. It’s easy for him to say, because he doesn’t know what went down all those years ago. “I love you,” I say as I stand.

“I love you too. I hope your mum’s appointment goes well.” So do I. I smile down at her as my stomach starts to churn again at the thought of what I’m about to face.

“Look after our girl,” I tell LJ as I reach down and run my hand over his fur.

••••

No words are spoken on the drive to the house. My mum’s leg has been bouncing with nervous anticipation most of the way. The huge smile planted on her face tells me she’s excited for this reunion. Although I wish it wasn’t taking place, I find myself hoping, for her sake, that everything goes okay.

I actually feel like I’m gonna be sick when we drive down the long circular driveway and come to a stop outside the house. It’s funny, after all these years I still remember what it looks like. I guess it was a poignant moment in my life, so I’m not surprised it stuck with me all this time. It’s the day my life changed forever. The day that cocksucker ruined me. I don’t want to go anywhere near that house. I’m regretting agreeing to come here, but on the other hand, I don’t want my mum to face this alone.

When I turn off the ignition I have a sudden moment of panic. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Would you mind if I stayed in the car?” I say, turning my head to look at her.

“What? No. Please, Carter. After what happened last time when we were here, I can understand that you’re apprehensive,” she replies reaching for my hand. “Do you really think I’d bring you back if I thought we’d get the same reception? That day still haunts me too. Don’t you think I saw how much you changed after that day? I’m your mother, Carter. Mother’s notice things like that. Not a moment has passed that I haven’t regretted putting you through that. I promise you things will be different this time. My mum is nothing like my father. She’s really looking forward to meeting you.” I exhale a large defeated breath.

Why can’t I ever say no to this woman?

She needs this, so I have to put all my shit aside and do it for her. She gave up everything when she found out she was pregnant with me. She could’ve aborted me and continued on with her life, with her family in this house. But she didn’t. If I can help her get a piece of her old self back, then I’d be a selfish fucker if I didn’t do this for her.

Hesitantly, I get out of the car and walk around to open my mum’s door. I count the same five motherfucking steps in my head, just like I did when I was a kid. Instead of the excitement that consumed me all those years ago, I’m filled with dread.

My stomach is churning when we stand in front of the big yellow door, except this time it doesn’t look so big. It’s just a regular door, and I fucking hate it. Hate it, and everything that lies behind it with a passion. So much so, I have to fight the urge to kick the living shit out of it. How can a person hate a damn door so much?

Because it’s haunted my fucking dreams for the past nineteen years, that’s why.

My mum’s hand rises in the air before her knuckles connect with the wood. She knocks twice. Her hand reaches for mine before giving it a comforting squeeze, except this time it’s anything but. Just like the previous time we were here, her head turns in my direction as she looks up at me and smiles. I’m no longer five, so now I tower over her tiny frame. This is déjà vu at its motherfucking worst. Christ, I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

Both our hands are trembling as we await our fate. We don’t have to wait long. A minute later the door swings open. A frail, older version of my mum stands before us. I hold my breath as my heart pounds rapidly against my ribcage. I exhale when she briefly makes eye contact with my mum before launching herself into her arms.

“My baby,” she cries. “I’ve waited way too long to see your beautiful face again.” She starts to sob as my mum engulfs her in her arms and starts to cry as well. A lump forms in my throat as I stand here and watch them together. Although I still wish I wasn’t here, my heart sings for my mum. This is the kind of reunion I guess she’d hope for when we came here all those years ago.

Why I’m still expecting this meeting to turn sour when my grandmother notices me, I’m not sure. A few minutes later they release each other, and my grandmother takes a step back, cupping my mum’s face in her frail hands. “Let me look at you,” she says smiling widely. I notice she has kind eyes. They’re nothing like the mean ones my grandfather had. “You’re still as beautiful as I remember. I’ve missed you so much, Lizzy.” She leans forward and peppers tiny kisses all over her face.

“I’ve missed you too Mumma,” my mum whispers as she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. “This is Carter,” she adds, and my grandmother’s gaze moves to me. “Your grandson.” I swear my heart stops beating when she tears her eyes away from my mum and looks up at me. Instead of the angry scowl my grandfather gave me when I was last here, she smiles a beautiful smile before wrapping her arms around my waist. I just stand there, unmoving. My arms are still planted by my side. I’m frozen.

“I’ve been waiting twenty-four years to meet you,” she cries softly into my chest. “I’ve prayed for this day for so long. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about you—haven’t loved you.” The lump in my throat grows, and I have to fight back the tears that threaten to fall. She loves me.

Although this is the kind of reunion I’d hoped for, no, dreamt about, for some reason I’m still sceptical. I’m still waiting for everything to turn ugly. “Let me look at you,” she says stepping back. “Look how handsome you are,” she smiles as her hand reaches up and gently caresses the side of my face. My mum was right … she’s nothing like my grandfather.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Indiana

Once I eat as much fruit as I can stomach, I head to the bathroom to have a shower while my dad makes a start on dinner. I hate that I can’t help, but my stupid body is so weak from the treatment. It’s a struggle to stand on my feet for too long. I can’t wait until this is over and I can get back to normal. On a positive note, my headaches seem to have lessened, so it gives me hope that the treatment is working. I pray it is, because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.