I cupped her cheek with one hand, rubbing my thumb under one beautiful eye. “Maybe not tonight, but he will be soon.” Zander was stronger than he knew and I wanted to help him deal with what must be a nightmare for him. “What were you thinking, honey? Why did you do this?” I was still trembling on the inside from how scared I’d been when I’d gotten that call from Noah.

Mieke’s chin trembled for a brief moment, her eyes continuing to travel down the hall to where her father was still throwing up. “I heard his voice when I talked to you this morning. I knew it was him, Mom. I just knew. Something inside of me needed to see him, to put a real person to the voice I’d heard. To the man you’ve told me so much about over the years. Don’t be mad. Please? I…I just needed to see him.”

I dropped my hand and closed my eyes. I’d never lied to her about who her father was. If she asked about him, I told her. She deserved the truth about the man who had helped me create her. I’d told her everything I remembered about him. Everything…except that he had destroyed me when he’d broken his promise to come back for me. But I knew she knew that. My girl was so special, she could practically feel the emotions in the air, and I knew she had known just how utterly broken I’d been when Zander had decided I wasn’t important enough. But I liked to lie to myself and pretended she didn’t know.

I stroked my fingers over her hair and asked the one question I was dying to know—although I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. “How did you know where he lived, Mieke?”

“It wasn’t hard to hack his email and bank accounts. I got his address off his bank statements. But I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she whispered. I blew out a frustrated breath through my nose. Damn it, she was too smart for her own good. It wasn’t the first time she’d ‘hacked’ someone to get the information she wanted. “I didn’t mean to upset him this much.”

“I know, honey. I know.” From down the hall I heard Zander groan, curse viciously, and then vomit again. “Sit down. I’m going to go check on your…dad.” It felt so strange saying that word, but once it was out it seemed so right that it made my heart ache all over again.

“Tell him I’m sorry,” she murmured as she sat. I didn’t answer her as I walked down the hall. She had nothing to be sorry for, but if she wanted him to know she was, then she could tell him herself.

Zander was on his knees in front of the guest bathroom toilet, his head in the bowl as he retched yet again. There wasn’t anything left in his stomach now and he was just dry-heaving. Seeing him like this gave me no pleasure and I was ashamed of myself for feeling it earlier. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, especially not him. This was just the beginning, too. How was he going to handle knowing everything?

Finding a washcloth, I dampened it with cool water in the bathroom sink and knelt down beside him, wiping it over his brow. He jerked when I touched him, his tortured eyes lifting to mine as tears spilled down his face. “I didn’t know,” he muttered.

I just nodded as I continued to wipe his face. I didn’t know what to say to him right then, so I remained quiet. He didn’t need words at the moment. Hell, I didn’t know what he needed. I knew nothing about this Zander.

“Knew I wasn’t good enough for you, Anna.” He let out a moan and closed his eyes as I wiped the cloth over his jaw. “I’m a fuck-up.”

I sighed and stood long enough to rewet the washcloth. Seventeen years ago, I would have argued with him, but I didn’t know how to defend him now. Maybe he had been a fuck-up back then and I’d just refused to believe him. Love was blind, and I’d loved him so much. When he’d left, I’d lost a part of myself that I doubted I’d ever get back.

I lifted the washcloth to his face again, but he grabbed my wrist, stopping me. “How much do you hate me, Anna?”

That question had me biting the inside of my cheek. Honestly, there had been times I’d thought I’d hated this man all the way to my core. And then I’d look at my daughter and realize that I couldn’t hate the man who had given her to me. Pulling my wrist free, I returned to wiping his brow. “Starting to feel better?” I kept my voice quiet, not wanting Mieke to overhear us.

“Don’t,” he muttered.

I frowned. “Don’t what?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face, pressing his thumb and index finger hard into his eyes. “Don’t be nice to me. Don’t take care of me. I don’t deserve it. I never did.”

“I can’t,” I whispered. Maybe he didn’t deserve it, but I couldn’t stop myself from helping him. I never had been able to. My heart would probably always be weak where this man was concerned.

“Mom?” Mieke called. “Is Dad okay?”

Zander flinched at the word ‘Dad’, jerking in pain like he’d been shot. “Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing his hand across his chest. “She’s killing me.”

I stared at him for the longest time, trying to decide how to explain Mieke to him. “We’ll be out in a minute, Mieke.”

“I like her name,” he said as he pushed up from his knees and sat on the edge of the tub. “How did you come up with it?”

I lowered my eyes to the cloth in my hand, concentrating on folding it perfectly so I didn’t have to meet his eyes. “It’s a Dutch variation of my middle name. Her full name is Mieke Zandria Cassidy.” I could feel his gaze drilling into the top of my head as I whispered her name. “She is part of me and you. I wanted her name to represent us both.”

“It’s a beautiful name, Anna.”

“I thought so too.” I looked up long enough to give him a brief, sad smile before turning my gaze back to the cloth. “She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, Z. I should tell you about her...”

“Does she have my OCD?” he asked, his face looking haunted.

I quickly shook my head, knowing that he’d always worried about passing his mental illness on to any child he might happen to have. I remembered him always telling Noah that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids when he was older, that he didn’t want to subject a poor kid with what he’d always had to live with. “She doesn’t have it.”

His body noticeably relaxed. “Thank fuck for that. Look, I want to hear everything about her. From both of you.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Give me a minute to clean myself up, babe. I can’t face her like this.”

Zander left me there and I watched him walk in the direction I could only assume was his bedroom. I set the damp cloth on the sink and went back to the living room. Mieke was sitting where I’d left her, but her face was full of anxiety. I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize… I’m sorry.”

I tucked her head under my chin and tightened my hold around her. “It’s okay, baby. You wanted to see him and I understand your need to. Everything will be okay. I swear.”

She let out a shuddery breath and we sat there in silence while we waited for Zander to come out of his bedroom. He was gone five minutes and when he sat down on the coffee table in front of us, he’d changed his clothes and his hair was damp from the shower. His face was still pale, but there was a new determination in his eyes. Eyes that weren’t all green anymore. There was more gold now and I was proud of him for grabbing hold of his control for his daughter.

Slowly, Mieke lifted her head and met her father’s gaze. She swallowed hard and gave him a tight smile. “I’m sorry I upset you. When I decided to come here I didn’t realize how hard it would be for you. I mean, I knew it was hard for me, but I didn’t know it would make you…” She broke off and sucked in another shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mieke. Ever. I was upset—am upset—but not at you, sweetheart.” He gave her a smile I remembered from our childhood; one I’d grown to rely on as we’d gotten older. It was full of so many different things that I knew our girl needed right then: reassurance, understanding…love.