Jesus, he won’t give up. Three weeks. Three weeks of guilt is worse than two weeks. I should just give up and reply to at least one of them, but something is still holding me back

“Bell Johnson, you better not be ignoring me, woman.” I turn at my name and watch Holly stand from a waiting chair and step forward.

“Holly?”

Just finishing a twelve-hour shift, the last person I ever expect sitting here waiting for me would be Holly.

“Don’t Holly me. I’ve been trying to call you the last three days. What’s your deal?” Her hands move to her waist as she levels her best pissed-off look at me.

“Sorry, I’ve just been really busy with moving.” I cringe, watching her eyes narrow further.

“You moved? What the hell? Girl, you have some explaining to do.” She steps forward, takes my hand, and starts moving me forward in the direction I was heading.

“You’re here alone, right?” I look around, quickly checking my surroundings.

“Of course I am.” She shakes her head.

“Where are we going?” I ask when we make it outside. The sun has only just set, and my hopes of a quiet night in are dashed when she answers.

“You and I are going for dinner. I think a good chat is in order, don’t you?” I want to argue, tell her I’m not really up for company tonight, but I know she’s not going to take no for an answer. So I keep quiet and follow her to her car.

“I can meet you there?” I offer, walking past the hospital’s employee parking lot, right past my car.

“And give you a chance to escape? No. Get in.” She clicks the key fob, unlocking her car. Holly is scary when she’s pissed so I do as I’m told, take a seat in the passenger’s side and buckle my seat belt.

“You want Fireside or Happy Chef?” She kindly offers me the choice of where to go.

“Happy Chef,” I answer. She nods, but doesn’t say anything. I’m not entirely sure why she’s angry. Yeah I’ve been keeping a low profile. Not taking calls, but it’s nothing personal. Between moving and work, I really haven’t had a chance to breathe.

“Holly—” I begin but get cut off.

“Wait till we get to Happy Chef. I’ve messaged Kelly and Kadence to meet us there,” she says, turning left onto the main road.

Shit. This is worse. Maybe I would have been able to handle Holly, but Kadence and Kelly…

I’m screwed.

“Why didn’t you call us?” Kadence asks twenty minutes later after we place our order with the waitress. The rest of the ride with Holly was quiet. We pulled up at the front of Happy Chef and made our way inside. Surprisingly enough Kelly and Kadence were all ready here waiting for us.

“It was just one of those things, guys,” I try to explain, but how do I?

“We’re family, Bell. You can’t just shut us out like this,” Kelly argues this time, making me feel worse.

“I just needed do this on my own. For once in my life, I needed to do something on my own.”

“We get that, we do. But not taking our calls, and pushing us out, how are we supposed to support you?” Kadence reaches for my hand. I don’t pull away, allowing her touch to comfort me.

“I just thought, with Jesse and I…” I trail off, not really sure what I thought. These women are Jesse’s family. I have no claim to them.

“We’re still your friends, Bell.” Holly sounds insulted but her smile throws me off. Is she pissed or not? “I’m offended you thought we would ditch you, just because that stupid idiot couldn’t sort his shit out.”

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head, realizing I’ve been stupid. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

“It’s fine, we get it.” Kadence releases my hand and moves back to her soda.

“Just don’t do it again,” Holly adds, throwing me off again.

“Are you okay?” I ask, picking up on her hot-and-cold mood.

“Ugggh, no. I’m a mess, but I needed to make sure you’re okay first before dumping it on you,” she spills, confirming my suspicions.

“I’m fine, guys, promise. Just dealing in my own way.” I direct my gaze to all of them, offering them a smile.

“Good, ‘cause we have a change of plans for the bachelorette party.”

“In Vegas?” I ask, remembering them talking about it last month. I know it was planned for next month, but I wrote that idea off when Jesse and I broke up.

“Yes, our Vegas bachelorette party turned into our Vegas wedding.” She squeals her excitement.

“You’re getting married in Vegas? What? Why?” The last time Holly and I spoke I was told they’d already settled on a venue here in Rushford.

“Sy doesn’t want to deal with a big wedding. I don’t blame him, but it’s just becoming too much of a hassle. We’re fighting over the stupidest shit. I just want it to be over with.”

“I can’t imagine,” I offer, not sure what to say. Sy’s a pretty relaxed person. I’m not sure what would have him so tense.

“I know. So we’ve bumped the date and are going next week.”

“Next week?” I repeat as the waitress brings our orders to the table. Holly doesn’t reply until the waitress leaves us.

“Yes, next week. So you need to sort whatever you need to sort out.”

“Holly, a week is barely enough time to get time off—” I begin, but her shaking head stops me.

“If you had answered your damn phone…” She has a point. A point that shuts me up.

“We booked you a room. We’re heading down next Friday.” Kadence smiles, digging me deeper into this mess. Not that I can get out of it anyway.

Shit Jesse

“And Jesse?” I ask, my pulse finding a rhythm I thought I had lost.

“He’s going to be there.” Holly shrugs and I swallow, wondering how I’m going to get through it.

“I don’t know,” I start to back track. God, the thought of seeing him a week from now has me panicking.

“You can bring your best friend, Lissy?” Holly offers, softening her stand.

Lissy, Jesse, and the Rebels in Vegas?

“I’m not sure if it’s the best idea or the worst idea,” I offer and watch the girls smile.

“So you’re in,” Holly pushes, bringing me back to the moment of truth.

“Do I have a choice?” I know I don’t. I have vacation time saved up at work anyway. Even if I didn’t, I’m sure Holly would find a way for me to be there.

“You’re a fast learner, Bell.” She laughs, moving back to her dinner.

I’m far from a fast learner, but I’m coming to realize it doesn’t matter when it comes to Holly. It was her way or no way.

Kind of like Jesse.

Oh, God, how am I going to handle Jesse?

Thirty-Seven JESSE

“It’s like two opposing forces. Grief and rage.” I look up for the first time and catch Conner’s eyes. “Truth is I’ve been angry a long time.” My hands shake at my side as I fight my flight response.

It’s taken me three weeks to stand up here today. Three weeks of listening to these men tell their stories and trying to encourage me to tell my story. Three weeks of hiding.

“Instead of being a burden to my family, the people I needed to let in, I shut them all out. I mean, it’s not like they could possibly understand that physically being home didn’t mean I really came home.” I get a few nods and grunts agreeing. Taking a deep breath, I fill my lungs and continue. “When I close my eyes at night, sometimes I still see myself picking up the body parts of my brothers. I still see myself holding them as they die in my arms on the battlefield. I still see the blood spattered all over my uniform as they take their last breaths.” My voice falters but I keep it together. It’s not like I prepared a speech ready for this moment.

“Do you wrestle with thinking you’re to blame?” Frank, the group session leader, asks, encouraging me to continue.