And I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I walked away.

I didn’t think I could cry anymore, and here I was sobbing again. It felt as if my heart had physically been ripped out of my chest. Knowing I would never feel his arms around me again, or have him hold me close and tell me everything would be okay…no.

I wasn’t ready. I would never be ready.

But I also wasn’t willing to turn my back on people I could help. I wasn’t willing to put my needs above others’. Marrying Derek for a few years was the only way to facilitate the merger, since all other avenues had been closed to me. So I would do the right thing, the heartbreaking thing, and give up Jackson.

Because if I was selfish and thought only of myself?

I’d be no better than my father.

Chapter 20

Jackson

I gripped my phone, staring out the window of my bedroom. It had been a week since I’d cut things off with Lilly through the door. A week of avoiding her, after witnessing her kissing Derek on the porch, and trying to be as emotionally dead as possible. But sometimes ripping off the Band-Aid meant the bleeding started. I didn’t think it would ever stop, and that was the pisser of it all.

I would never stop loving her….

Not even after she married another man.

For the rest of my life, I would always play “what if” about our last conversation. What if I had left the door unlocked? What if the sound of her sobs had driven me to open it? What if I hadn’t seen her kissing Derek before coming to my door? What if she had said yes, she’d call off the wedding? What if she said she loved me? For the rest of my life I would always wonder what would have happened if she chose me.

She hadn’t.

So it was time for me to go.

Resting my forehead on the glass, I watched her leave. Now that I was back to avoiding her, life was way too quiet. And too damn lonely. After just a week or so of living with her, I’d gotten used to having her around, chattering on about some nonsense or other. Like how her letters had calmed me back when I’d been overseas, her voice affected me the same way.

There would be no more letters, no more cheerful ramblings.

No more her.

Even though we lived in the same house, I made sure we were never alone. But a small, evil part of me thought, if given a chance, I would force her hand. Kiss her in front of a room full of people, or tell Walt we’ve been fucking behind his back. Something, anything, to get her out of this marriage.

But Lilly would never forgive me if I did that, and Walt probably wouldn’t even care, so long as the Thorntons never found out.

She walked up to Derek’s Ferrari and stood by the passenger door, fidgeting with her bag. What was in the bag? A change of clothes? If so, why did she have them? Were she and Preppy Prick finally taking the plunge into…well, each other? The mere thought made me want to rush down there and beat his ass all over again.

She was supposed to be mine.

Only, she wasn’t.

So I refused to leave my room until she pulled out of the driveway with Derek. I refused to share their space, watching Lilly look miserable, while he checked me out and ignored her. She deserved more. We both did.

This was surely the definition of an unhappy ending.

True love’s kiss wouldn’t fix this.

Just last night, I’d heard her talking on the phone as I passed her room. She sat on her bed and said something about a wedding dress fitting next week and how the florist was worried about not being able to get the right flowers for the centerpieces at the reception. She wanted pink and yellow ones. Just like the ones I’d gotten her. She didn’t say that, but we both knew it. They were wilted and drooping, but they still sat on our dining room table like some awful reminder of what had been.

And what we could have had.

For a second, just a damn second, I froze outside her open door. We watched one another, and I could see the panic in her face.

The pain.

How badly she didn’t want this.

It felt like another “what if” moment, like maybe she would beckon me in, but instead, she started talking about what other flowers would be in season, her voice as achingly hollow and resigned as her gaze had been.

So I walked away.

Later that night, when I came back up to go to bed, her door was shut, and her soft sobs came through the cracks. It took all my control not to go inside. Not to kiss away the sadness and the tears. Not to rescue her. Because she didn’t want to be rescued.

If she did, she would have said so.

Derek walked around to his side of the car, opening his door and sliding inside. That left Lilly to open her own door. He was such a prick. Before she slid in, though, she hefted her bag into the car on her own and glanced over her shoulder, up at my window. I stiffened, because she clearly saw me watching her.

For a second, we stared at one another.

I lifted my hand and waved.

Pressing her mouth into a tight line, she sat down and closed the door behind her without waving back. Derek didn’t even wait for her to buckle her seatbelt.

He drove off immediately, carrying Lilly away from me.

After pushing away from the window, I opened my suitcase and started tossing things inside it. I might not have heard back from my superior about Hawaii yet, but I knew one thing. When she got home tonight, I wouldn’t be living here anymore. The time had come to move on, and for that to happen…

I had to move out.

When someone knocked on the door, I almost didn’t answer it. After all, it shouldn’t be for me. But when I peered out the side window, it turned out it was. My mother stood there, holding a plastic-covered hanger with a tuxedo, so I opened it. “What do you want?”

“Remember that event we spoke about?” she asked, her voice tight as she glowered at my tattoos. “My one favor?”

I stiffened. “Yeah.”

“Well, it’s tonight. It’s for Lilly.” She shoved the tuxedo at me, and I took it out of reflex. “Show up. Wear this. And give her this.” She set down a wrapped present. “Then you’re free to go on with your life as you have been, destroying no one else’s in the process. Think you can manage that?”

I flexed my jaw. “Does Walt know I’m coming?”

“Yes. I informed him. But he doesn’t know you’ve been living here, or how long you’ve been here.” She pointed a finger. “And you’ll behave yourself.”

“Will he?” I asked, still holding the tux.

“He’s not the problem here, and you know it,” she said, sliding her glasses back into place. “Be at the Yardley Country Club at six.”

I didn’t reply. Just watched her go.

Once she pulled out of the driveway, I went upstairs, laid out the tuxedo, and resumed packing. A few hours later, I was showered and dressed, and everything was packed—minus the tux I wore and my outfit for afterward.

Come tomorrow morning, I would leave this place behind me and move on to the next chapter of my life—whatever that might be. I hadn’t told Lilly yet, but it didn’t matter. The sooner I left, the better, all things considered.

It’s not as if my leaving would change anything.

If anything, it would make it easier on her. Although maybe I overestimated my hold on her. Maybe she didn’t care where I did or didn’t live.

Carrying my overstuffed suitcase, I opened my door and went downstairs, tugging on my bow tie as my footsteps echoed in our silent home. I had no idea what this damn party was, but I knew it was the end of the road for me. After I made an appearance, I would come home, grab my bags, and wash my hands of the whole mess.