Chapter 9

I pick up the glass of lemonade and take a sip, looking at Aiden through the dim light. He’s checked his phone five times since we sat down in this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. It’s forty-five minutes from my house in the opposite direction of Billings. I almost feel guilty when we sit down. Almost. Aiden’s cockiness turns me off enough to not really care, though. This place is a dump. I can’t be sure it’s up to code, and if the health department somehow finds it out here in the backwoods, my guess is they’d shut it down.

Mom and I came here from time to time. It was the halfway point between her barn and another rescue. We’d met here before with horses. Mom took the more serious ones, the ones that other rescue wasn’t equipped to handle. How Mom did it all on her own was beyond me. She had a gentleness to her, and the horses could sense it. Just being around her calmed them, and they knew they were in good hands.

I order my food, knowing there is something seriously wrong with me. Who turns down the chance to go to a fancy restaurant with someone famous? Other than worrying about how I’d look when the paparazzi snapped my picture, I should have eaten it up, right? Pretty much every female on the planet would give their left ovary to be wined and dined by Aiden Shepherd.

But not me, because there is something wrong with me. I don’t want to smile and be told I’m so lucky I got to go out with Aiden. I don’t want girls to look at me with envy.  I don’t even want any of my old friends from high school to whisper and wonder if Aiden and I are sleeping together. I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to feel special.

Because I’m not special.

“If I get food poisoning,” Aiden says. “I’m blaming you.”

His voice—oh god, that accent—warms me. “We ordered the same thing, so we’d both get it. And fine. Blame me.” I smile. “I’ve been here a few times before and never got food poisoning, if that makes you feel any better.”

He makes a face. “It kind of does.” I twist my straw wrapper between my fingers. We are sitting in the back, and only a few other tables are occupied. “Have you lived here your whole life?”

“Yeah. I like it,” I say, because I know that’s his next question. Not everyone understands the appeal.

“It’s definitely different from what I’m used to. Living in London and then L.A. and then coming here. It’s almost like culture shock all over again.” He inhales. “It’s weird how it’s so big, how spaced apart things are, yet everything has a sense of community. I feel like an outsider, to be honest.”

His remark strikes me. I didn’t think he was capable of feeling like anything but the shining star. Maybe he does pay attention to things around him and he’s not the center of his own world all the time.

“I can see that. It’s a different world, that’s for sure.”

“It’s probably good for you, though, with the horses I mean. There’s lot of room.”

“Yeah, there is, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t own it.” Mom was saving to buy a ten-acre lot across the street from our property. It had an aging pole barn that with a little work could house eight more stalls and was within walking distance from our house. It would allow her to take in more horses. Thinking of Mom, the pole barn, and being here, in this crappy restaurant without her, sends a spike into my chest. I’m hit with dizziness and suddenly I can’t breathe. Smoke swirls around me and crackling flames rise up on the walls.

Aiden’s face fades from my sight. He says something, but the words are lost under the terrified cries of dying horses. I need to get out of here. I need to find Mom and save her—like I didn’t before. I saved myself and I saved Phoenix, but I didn’t save Mom.

“Haley?” Aiden asks. I can’t see him, can hardly hear him. “Are you all right?”

My hands start to shake and my eyes fill with tears from the smoke. I’m choking and I can’t move. The heat hurts and I realize I’m on fire.

“Haley!” A hand lands on mine and I jolt forward. The flames retreat. I blink a few times and look at Aiden. I’m disoriented; my ears ring, and I’m swaying in my seat. Aiden gets up, dark eyes full of fear. He slides into the booth next to me, one hand resting on my waist, right on top of a patch of scar tissue that still feels like it’s on fire. I jump back, wincing in pain.

“Sorry,” he says and takes his hand off me. “I won’t touch you.”

“No,” I pant and close my eyes. This was a mistake. “You can.” I take another breath, lungs feelings like they are filled with smoke. Trembling, I reach for him, my hand sliding on top of his. “Just not there.” I put his hand on my hip.

“Uh, okay,” he says and moves closer. “Haley, are you…no, you’re not okay. What’s going on?”

He pushes my hair out of my face. I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Aiden. I just can’t. I told you that you wouldn’t want to go out with me, that you’d regret it.” He’s blocking me in the booth. I twist and stand. “I…I need some air.” He stands, stricken, and lets me pass. I hurry through the restaurant, almost running into a waitress on my way out. I don’t stop until gravel crunches under my feet. I double over, gasping for breath.

You will not cry, you will not cry. My hands cover my face, and my entire body trembles. My scars hurt so bad, but the physical pain is nothing compared to what I’m feeling inside.

I saved a horse over my own mother. I took Phoenix outside instead of grabbing Mom’s arm and pulling her out with me. I assumed she was behind us. I assumed she was safe. My assumptions cost her life. I move my hands to my mouth, keeping the sob inside of me. I rock back, and tears roll down my cheeks.

“Haley?” Aiden says softly. “Are you okay? You’re, uh, freaking me out.”

Great, just fucking great. On top of everything, I’m not only ruining Aiden’s night, but I’m freaking him out. I push my shoulders back and shake my head, unable to speak without crying. He keeps walking until he’s by my side. I can feel his eyes on me, but his stare isn’t judgmental. He’s concerned. Slowly, he slips his hand into mine and leads me to the grass next to the parking lot. We sit, and I’m doing everything I can not to break down.

“I got our food to go,” he says as he picks a strand of grass, twisting it around his finger. “I’ll go in and get it. I wasn’t sure if you’d still want to eat or not, but I assumed you didn’t want to go back.”

I nod and steal a quick glance at him. He’s got my purse too. A few minutes pass and he’s still there, still next to me. Finally, I control myself enough to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “You can go if you want. I’ll find a way home, don’t worry.”

He looks at me like I’m as crazy as I feel. “I’m not going to leave you when something is going on. I know what it’s—I can tell you’re really upset.”

I pull my lips around my teeth. The panic and guilt start to turn into embarrassment. “I am, and I’m kind of mortified.”

“Don’t be,” he says, nudging me softly. “Haley, what’s going on?”

I shake my head and close my eyes, barricading the tears. “I can’t.”

“I know,” he says slowly. “About the fire.”

My eyes fly open and I lean away. “How?” I rasp.

He looks ashamed. “I Googled your name after we met. I, uh, wanted to know more about you.”

He cared enough to search the Internet for me? “Oh.” I shrug. Maybe famous people didn’t realize how normal that was. I’d spent hours Googling pictures of him before.

“Is that what upset you?”

“Kind of,” I start. “Well, yes, it’s that completely, but it’s gotten…” I trail off. I haven’t told anyone about the visions, not even Lori. I press my hands to the ground to try and stop the shaking. What the hell is wrong with me?