“No, no,” I said. “It’s all screwed up. Like everything’s all….” I stopped. I didn’t know what was happening. Nothing made sense, and it was making my head and heart and stomach all hurt. I just wanted to crawl into one of those wormholes Finn had told me about in seventh grade. I wanted to get back to that other universe where I didn’t kiss Jake and didn’t see him look at me like I was something special. I wanted everything to be normal.

“It’s all screwed up,” I said again. I blew my nose.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Bianca raised her palms like she was trying to stop an angry goat from charging. “What happened?”

I stared at her. Did she not hear me the first time? “I told you. I kissed Jake.”

She bit her lip as if she was trying to keep from laughing. “Yeah, I got that much. But what happened?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not rehashing anything. It’s bad enough it happened the first time.” I bent over so my head was almost touching my knees. “It’s all messed up. This whole thing. It’s a disaster.”

“Okay, let’s back up a second.” Bianca put her arm around me and helped me sit up straight. “What happened when you kissed him? Did he freak out? Did he push you away or—”

“He kissed me back.”

“Well, of course he did,” she said with a sigh.

Was that relief in her voice? I couldn’t tell. I reached for another tissue and blew my nose again.

“You know, Tim was asking about you guys the other day,” she said. “He said he’d bet money that Jake’s been into you for, like, ever.”

That was probably supposed to make me feel better, but it only made the hole in my chest grow bigger. I let out a whimper before I covered my face and hunched over again.

“Wait,” Bianca said. “I’m missing something. How is this a bad thing?”

I sat up straight and scooted back so I could pull my knees up to my chest. I hugged them tightly. “He’s one of my best friends.”

She smiled. “I know. That’s why this is so great.”

“No!” She blinked and leaned away, and I immediately felt bad for snapping at her. “Sorry,” I said, keeping my voice even, “but no. That’s why it’s so bad.”

Bianca chewed on her pinkie nail. “Promise not to get mad?”

“No.”

“I think it would be great if you and Jake ended up together.”

I stared at her, my eyes wide with horror. “What? Why?”

“You do a ton of stuff together, and, I don’t know. It’s like you get each other better than anyone else.” She cocked her head to the side. “Does that make sense?”

“No.”

She looked skeptical. “Really? Because a lot of times, it’s like you trust him more with whatever’s going on with you than you trust Ally or me.”

“I don’t trust Ally with anything.”

“That’s probably a good policy,” she said with a grin. “But even before I started going out with Tim, you’d still go to Jake if you had any problems before you’d come to me.”

I let out a noncommittal grunt and hugged my knees tighter, guilt seeping into my core again because I knew she was right. Jake was easy for me to turn to because I never had to explain anything. He just knew. And I knew he’d never betray my trust.

“Okay, remember when I was going out with Dante and you freaked out about it after Halloween?”

“Yeah, because he slapped you.”

Her cheeks reddened. “Right. And I wasn’t listening to you, and you were being all—”

“Passive-aggressive,” I finished for her. “I know.”

“I was going for something a little harsher,” she said with a smirk, “but I guess that works. Anyway, the thing is, you ran to Jake like it was the most normal thing in the world.”

“Because it is.” I frowned. “Was.” I covered my face with both hands. “It’s just wrong on so many levels. I’ve completely weirdified everything.”

I waited for her to say something, but she remained silent. I peered at her and found her looking at me, like she was waiting for me to explain myself. And I wasn’t sure how it happened, but I started rambling, spewing stuff about stupid fairy tales with their unrealistic happy endings, how relationships were dumb because they never lasted, how love was a stupid myth perpetuated by florists and the diamond industry. And all the while, Bianca sat there, listening to me talk, not saying a word. Even after I’d finished my rant, she just watched me, waiting to make sure I was done.

Finally, she spoke.

“Tim’s graduating in about five months,” Bianca said quietly. “Four and a half, really. I try not to think about it, but it’s always there.”

I bit my lip and lowered my head. She probably understood better than anyone how much of a lie “happily ever after” was. I mean, she was with this great guy who might as well be going to the other side of the world once he left for college, but they were so happy together, it was easy to forget.

“We both know it’s coming, but….” She sighed. “I guess we’re enjoying what we’ve got while we can.”

I wasn’t sure how, but that made my chest ache even more, like a rhinoceros was pressing against it, ready to skewer me onto its horn. I silently took back all the resentment I’d harbored over the amount of time she’d spent with him the past few weeks and promised to be a lot less needy, at least for the rest of the school year.

“Do you—” I stopped to let my brain properly form the question. “Do you think you’d still, I mean, if you guys break up…?” I grimaced and stifled a groan. Why was it so hard to talk all of a sudden? I took a deep breath and tried again. “Dr. Griffin says it’s totally normal for my mom to be this miserable, soggy mess over my dad,” I said. “I don’t get it.”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I guess it makes sense.” She pressed her lips together in a thoughtful frown. “I don’t want to think about Tim and me ever breaking up or anything—”

“Brady would kill him if he ever dumped you.”

“Probably,” she said with a chuckle. “But seriously, if we do ever have to break up, I kind of hope he’ll always care about me. I mean, isn’t that what happens when you really love someone?”

Love.

What did I know about love? It was an intangible concept I didn’t understand, loose and fleeting, like hope or happiness. Love was an abstract. It couldn’t be measured, collected, or taken to the bank. And if Romeo and Juliet was any indication, love caused nothing but misery and grief.

I wanted nothing to do with love.

Love was a waste of time.

Chapter Twenty-Two

It was just after nine o’clock when I trudged up the stairs to my bedroom. I’d driven around for about half an hour after I left Bianca’s house. I didn’t have a destination in mind. I just needed to be alone.

At the top of the steps, I looked to the left at my mom’s closed door. I wondered if she was still crying or if Dr. Griffin had given her something to help her calm down. She may have even been sleeping. I wasn’t sure which I would have preferred, but I wanted to make sure she was okay. I tapped on the door a few times and waited.

“You’re home,” Dr. Griffin said when he opened the door. He was still wearing the same slacks and dress shirt he had on earlier that day. Dark, puffy circles under his eyes made him look older than he was. He was probably exhausted.

“I just got in,” I said, holding up my keys. “Is she okay?”

He nodded. “She’s asleep.”

“Okay.” I started for my room but stopped myself. I needed to say something more. “Thanks,” I said with a small smile, and I meant it. I wouldn’t have known how to deal with my mom acting like this if it was just the two of us, but Dr. Griffin made it look easy.

He stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m all right.” It came out sounding more like a question than a statement, but then again, it probably was.