“Are you ready to go?” I nod and he reaches for my hand. “Let’s go then. You look beautiful today,” he tells me, and walks me to his Jeep.

When we get to the beach, I smile and walk next to him. I look at the people around us laughing and smiling. There are couples all over, lying out on their towels, playing games and having a great time. I look up at Tyler through my sunglasses and see hurt on his face. Then realization hits me. He’s going to be here with his new girlfriend one day again. She’ll be the best thing that’s happened to him. She’ll get the man he is today and all I’ll have are the memories of the boy with shaggy dark brown hair who was inexperienced and learned with me.

This place holds so many memories for us. I’m holding onto those moments forever and trying to remember all of the happier times so the nightmare doesn’t win.

We walk along the shore, side by side, neither of us saying anything. I look down and see his hand. I want so badly to hold it and feel his touch again. But I pull away and stop myself. It feels nice being here with Tyler. There’s no arguing or talking about the whys of our lives. It’s just us, surrounded by the beauty of nature, and we’re soaking in every moment.

“Let’s put our feet in the water! I bet it’s nice and warm.” I tug his arm to the water and splash his face. This puts a big smile on his face and we run around the water, laughing and smiling. He lifts me up and twirls me around. For the first time in a while, I’m letting myself be happy.

“Tyler!” I squeal and hold onto his strong forearms. “Don’t let me go!”

“I’ll never let you go,” he whispers in my ear, still twirling me around.

We spend the rest of the day on the beach. I can tell there’s something weighing on his mind. I don’t push him to talk about it. I know when he’s ready, he’ll tell me what’s going on.

“Do you remember when we first moved into our apartment?”

I laugh a little, “Yeah. It was a mess. We had boxes everywhere and it took like three days to get our place tidy.”

“Yeah. I remember one night you couldn’t sleep, so you took out a sketch pad and started doodling. There was music playing in the background. I think you were listening to Backstreet Boys or something,” he laughs, an easy smile forming on his face. “I watched you sketching that night for hours. You never knew I was watching you.”

“Oh yeah? What was I drawing?”

“The beach.” His hand lies on his lap while the other rests on the steering wheel. His breathing is steady and there’s an overall calm between us. “The sun was setting and the colors you used, orange, red, pink and purple, showed the brightness in the sky. You used blues and greens to paint the water and yellow and orange for the sand.”

“You remember that?”

He nods. I suck in a quick breath and my body stiffens. Leaning in, I press a soft kiss to his cheek.

“How?”

“Anything that deals with you I remember. Whether it’s something small or big. It doesn’t matter. Everything you do plays in my head. I know it sounds fucked up as hell, but that’s what you do to me.”

Right here, at this very second, is my vision of perfection. Just two people who’ve known each other their entire lives, in a car, driving back after one of the best days. Even though we aren’t together, nothing can take away this day and the feelings in our hearts.

Tyler parks his car and opens the door for me.

“Do you want to stay over tonight? We can watch movies and eat popcorn.”

“Sure.”

Heading inside, we say hi to my parents and go to my bedroom. I pull out movies and he picks Sinister. I raise a brow and see him get comfortable on my bed.

“I hate you,” I seethe. I’m not a fan of scary movies. “You knew this was here. Why didn’t you take it home?” He puts his hands behind his head and gives me a playful grin. This is the Tyler I love and miss. We’re being silly and carefree. When we aren’t talking about getting back together and the past, we’re actually really good friends. Maybe that’s what needs to happen again. We need to build our friendship and learn how to love each other again. Learning how to love someone again doesn’t mean just loving them. It means learning their ticks and pet peeves. It means knowing what they’re thinking and knowing what they’re going to say. Love is more than a feeling. It’s knowing someone inside and out. We’ve both changed over the years and who knows if we’re still the same people.

I know I’m not.

After the movie and nearly dying from a heart attack, it’s my turn to pick a movie. I grab PS I Love You and see him shaking his head.

“Before you start the movie. Can we talk?” he asks, looking at me, waiting for an answer.

“Sure.”

He joins me on my bedroom floor, sitting across from me. “I’ve been offered a promotion at the firm. I have to leave Friday and I’ll be gone three weeks for training. After that I’ll be back, but it requires me to go to California one week a month,” he explains, stroking my arm. “I’m going to take the position and go. It’ll be good for my career and this is what I’ve been working for.”

A hollowness in my chest forms. The tears in my eyes build up. I tell myself to be strong and it’ll be okay. This is his moment and what I’ve wanted for him. I can’t ask him to stay and be with me. If I hold him back then nothing has been accomplished. “Congrats. I’m so proud of you, Ty.”

“Thank you. Your support means a lot to me. I guess I’m scared to go. I’ve been thinking about us and what we can do to find our way.” I sit and listen, trying so hard not to interrupt him. “We’re changing every day and I know I’m not the same man from before. I’m sure you’re not the same either.” I nod in agreement. “I do want us to be friends again. Like before. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Of course I do,” I smile. Finally we agree on something.

“I don’t want you to think that because I’m agreeing to be just friends for now means that I will give up on the idea of us as a couple.” He shoots me a playful wink. “I won’t give up until I’m back in your heart where I belong.” He takes my hand and presses it against his chest. “Because you’re in my heart where you belong. You’re my first and last love, Bay.”

Hearing him say these words breaks me into pieces. I’m a mess and here I am begging him with my eyes to never leave me. Completely broken and shocked. How can he still feel this way after all this time? I knew he still loved me, but I never thought his love ran so deep and was still this strong.

Removing myself from his space, I get up and walk around my room. His eyes follow me. I can’t look at him. He’s pouring his heart out to me and I’m at a loss for words. This is every girl’s dream come true. Yet for me, this is my nightmare. No matter what I do or say, he’ll stay and wait for me.

“I think that’s exactly what we need. Thank you for doing this. I know it’s hard on you.”

“I’ll admit it is and I’m trying to respect your wishes.”

That’s all I want from him. Hearing him tell me that he understands and wants to give me what I need is more than I can ask for. Part of me is hurt when I hear him tell me this. I want him to keep fighting on one hand, and on the other I want us to stay friends and be there for each other. The best type of relationships start out as friends.

“Movie time!” I grab the remote and get comfortable in his arms. “You sure you want to sit here with me?”

“Anywhere with you is perfect.” He kisses the top of my head and I press play on the remote.

I’m not sure when I fall asleep. Waking up, I feel his arms around me. Knowing he’s going to leave soon is burning a hole deep in my soul. If I ask him to stay, he’ll stay and what if he ends up regretting it and blames me for trapping him here?

It’s so hard to breathe. I want to cry and tell him that I want him back. I’m running short of breath and he’s holding the oxygen I need, but these demons and my fears makes it hard to love.