She’s right, but then on the other hand, there are days I can’t stand to think about her. The only thing harder than moving on is letting go. I know it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not like I’m pining away for her every day. There’s no excuse for her childish behavior and pushing me away. I’ve tried and I don’t know how much more I can try. So that’s why moving back is the best thing to do.

Not wanting to continue the conversation, we finish our drinks and head to the dance floor.

By the time I’m home, it’s almost three in the morning. Luckily, Mandy wasn’t drunk and could drive. Everything is spinning and I can’t get my keys in my door.

The door opens and I see Bayleigh looking at me. “Tyler?”

“What are you doing in my house?” My words slur and she gives me a funny look. “Wait, is this my house?” Nope. I step back and look around, noticing our swing, memories coming flooding back. “Do you remember when we made love on this swing?” I walk to it, touching the chains down to the arm rest, “I’ll never forget that night.”

“Why that one night?” she whispers. I feel her behind me and I can’t turn around to look at her.

“I remember every moment with you. But that moment, I felt the world understood our love and nothing would tear us apart.”

“Come on.” She loops her arm through mine and pulls me inside. “Mandy gave me a heads up that she was dropping you off.”

“Oh, Mandy. She’s a good friend,” I laugh and follow her upstairs. “Are we going to share a bed?”

“Yes, Tyler. It’s late and you’re wasted.”

“Can I hold you?” She doesn’t answer. I follow her inside her bedroom and plop down on her bed. Bayleigh takes off my shoes and pushes me back to lay down, covering me with a blanket.

“What are you doing, Tyler?”

“I don’t know,” I answer, “I have no idea. I just fucking love you and miss you.”

“I know,” she strokes my face and kisses my forehead. “Sleep, okay?”

Closing my eyes, I feel her touch to my skin and it burns with ache and desire. All I want is her.

Waking up the next morning in his arms makes me feel safe and like nothing will hurt me. The arms I love, protecting me from the evil in the world, settles my heart from beating out of my chest. There’s no panic when we’re innocently lying like this, even though it’s the most intimate we’ve been in quite a while.

His protective arms hold me tight and when I turn my head to look at him, I see a slight smile on his face. When I’m in bed with Tyler, I don’t overthink or feel like someone’s going to come into my room and hurt me. It’s just the two of us and we’re in our own world.

I don’t want to open my eyes and get on with the day. I want to spend all of our time in bed and talking. No arguing or talking about why we’re not together; just talking about what we want from life, like a career, traveling or doing something adventurous.

Making circles around his hand, I watch the peaceful look on his face and memorize every line and every expression.

“I like the smile on your face,” he tells me in his deep, sleepy voice.

“Morning. Do you want me to make you breakfast?”

He nods, “Mmm that sounds good. I’m thinking chocolate chip pancakes with fruit,” he kisses my neck and cheek. My body freezes and I tell myself this isn’t Tony. This is Tyler.

Tyler. Tyler. Tyler.

“Hey I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I nod my head, “If this is too much please let me know. I don’t want you to feel panic of pain.”

“No this is okay. I feel safe with you. That night he invaded me and took a piece of me I’ll never get back. With you, it’s different. I want you here.”

Kissing my forehead he nods and helps me out of bed. We walk downstairs together and he watches me as I make breakfast and the kitchen is quiet. It gives me time to think and focus on what’s going to happen in a few days. I could get used to having him sleeping next to me, waking up in his arms, and sleeping without nightmares. So what am I supposed to do when he’s gone?

We sit at the table and my parents come down and look at us and then leave the kitchen. I see my mom turn her head and smile before going to my dad’s office.

“Thanks by the way,” he tells me.

“No problem.”

“Beach today?”

“Sure,” I smile and tell him to go before my dad kills him. I watch Tyler walk to his house and run back upstairs to send Mandy a death threat.

Me: Way to drop off a very drunk Tyler at my house . . . Asshole

Mandy: Hey you two needed to talk. Did anything happen?! Did he make your body squirm or cum a few times wink wink

Me: You know the answer to that. You know I can’t . . . But whatever you’re an asshole and I hate you

Mandy: I love you too . . . Missing you! We’re at the airport now. I’ll see your beautiful face in 7 days!

Me: Have fun!

Mandy: Oh I intend to *kissy face emoji*

I laugh at her text and put down my phone. It’s too early to be up, but I can’t fall asleep again. I didn’t have nightmares last night and I don’t want to admit that it’s because of Tyler. Having him in my life as my friend is the only thing I can do. We have our good and bad memories, and all I can do is hope he’ll decide to stay in my life. Just thinking about the possibility of him dropping me as a friend makes me nervous and anxious.

A few hours pass and I’m standing in the middle of my room getting ready for the day when I look out the window and see Tyler standing outside. He’s looking down and I know that look. He’s thinking. Last night is still on my mind and I’m not sure I should bring it up. There’s not much to talk about. He got drunk and spent the night. We cuddled and I woke up feeling better than I ever have. I’ll admit, being in his arms again felt good and waking up to a smile isn’t bad.

Pacing my room to try and find the right words to say, I figure I can’t stay up here forever. I walk out of my bedroom and slowly head downstairs. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I hesitate walking outside. An internal war is brewing. I love him, but I need him to find someone who isn’t broken or dirty.

Reaching for the doorknob and slowly twisting it, I make sure there’s a smile on my face so I don’t make him feel bad.

When the door opens, I walk out to find Tyler sitting on the porch swing, the same swing we’d sit on for hours and talk about everything, and sometimes even nothing. This swing represents Tyler and me. It’ll be here forever on the porch, but one day, maybe, it’ll hold us again. Looking at the swing, I smile. Sometimes we’d talk. Sometimes we’d sit in silence, enjoying each other’s company. I miss those days. I miss when things were simple and I wasn’t scared of my own shadow.

“Hey,” he smiles, getting up and walking towards me. At first he’s hesitant and then he leans in to kiss my cheek, his hand resting on my arm. My body heightens from his touch and I relish in the warmth of his hand. I feel my chest tighten when I look into his blue eyes. His eyes are my favorite part of who he is. He has the kind of eyes that make you feel safe and warm. When you look at him, and he’s looking back, everything makes sense. My whole world stops and my walls break down. I’m not scared anymore.

Yet I keep pushing him away.

“Hi,” I finally let out, “how are you feeling?”

“Better,” he whispers, stepping closer to me, pushing my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. His touch is soft and cautious. Without thinking, I throw my arms around him and rest my head against his chest. We stand like this for a while. I lose count for how long. I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he smells and I miss him. He lets me go and places his lips on my forehead.