“I said to myself that if this was what love was all about, I didn’t want it. Now I realize how wrong I was. Love can break you, Luc, but it can also be the best part of you. I chose to focus on the darkness these last couple of years, but I forgot about the light. I forgot about all the good times we shared. As mad as I was at my father, I now understand that my mother was his life and without his life around him, he didn’t want to live. That is true love, Luc, that isn’t abandonment. It’s real and it’s worthy.” As I said the last words Luc climbed off the floor and crawled into bed beside me, snuggling me into him. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he was listening. “I know I have been scared to trust, but if I use my father as an example I know he was the most loyal man to my mother. He loved her so deeply.”

“I’m a loyal man too,” his husky voice brushed my ear and I quivered.

I closed my eyes, “I know.”

I let out a contented sigh, feeling like the world was a little lighter and feeling grateful to Luc for warming my heart back from its frozen state. Suddenly I realized that my purse was in the coat check. I usually read Mama’s letter every night before I closed my eyes, but I figured my stuff was safe downstairs and my anxiety subsided. Instead I closed my eyes. Luc thought I should fear him, what he didn’t realize was that I felt safe having this broken ogre beside me. I knew he would protect me if need be and something about that thought was fulfilling. I watched the light seep through the door of the master en-suite. I could still hear the thrum of music throughout the house and shadows passing by the door and despite everything, I felt peaceful. I knew if he opened up to me the way he did that he wanted to try to be with me for the long haul, and now I wanted the same thing. The revelation scared me and warmed me.

As sleep overtook me I dreamed of Mama, making her pizza and Joe as a little boy. I must have been asleep for a couple of hours when I heard a banging sound. The apartment was quiet. The music stopped and the sounds of lust and moving bodies ceased. It took me a minute to pull myself out of my dream and gauge my surroundings to see where the banging noise was coming from. As I opened my eyes, I saw Luc thrashing violently beside me; it looked like he was living in his own personal hell. I quietly called his name but he didn’t wake. I didn’t know which angle to nudge him at since his strong arms were flailing about, and I didn’t want him to accidentally knock into me, the guy was living with enough guilt as it was.

“Luc,” I shouted a little louder, but there was no response. “Luc,” I called out even louder, still no response. Whatever he was dreaming about was intense enough to pull him under. I leaned over to where his head was resting on the pillow and tried to tame down his muscular arms and stop his head from thrashing. As I caressed his forehead lightly I began to sing a lullaby my mama sang to me when I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad dream. Slowly he began to calm down and moments later his eyelids flicked open. Looking at him from this angle, I got to see how handsome he really was with thick eyelashes, a wide set jaw, and sharp nose. He was so masculine and perfect. As I caressed the stubble on his cheeks he looked up to me with a guilty grin.

“Was I having a nightmare?” he asked, as if he already knew the answer.

“Yes, you want to talk about it?” I smiled softly.

“Are you a therapist?” he grinned shyly.

“No, but I want to help you if I can.”

“You have the voice of an angel,” he sighed. “I dream about hurting Alexis. Because I don’t remember the night I hurt her, I dream of different scenarios where I lose control and beat her. Or I dream that Henri shoots her and not me,” he admitted shamefully. I felt guilty that maybe telling me his story dredged up the bad memories for him.

“Oh, Luc.” I wrapped my arms around him.

“Is this okay?” I asked not wanting to make him feel worse from the contact.

“Yes,” he sighed, “it’s more than okay,” I leaned in and put my head on his shoulder and he didn’t flinch.

“Is this okay?”

“It’s more than okay, Vicky, I don’t know how you walked into my life, probably at a time when I was feeling the most alone, but I am grateful to the stars above that you did,” he said, kissing the top of my head. His words penetrated me. Feeling needed by him makes me want to get even closer. Was I lacking love so much that I had turned into a cold shell of a person? I had locked my emotions down in fear of falling apart. I began to wonder if I had it all wrong, or maybe I was just waiting to meet him to understand my pain. Maybe I was waiting to meet him to begin living again. What I had been doing wasn’t really living; it was getting by day by day, the only way I knew how. I closed my eyes and drifted off to a peaceful sleep wrapped in warm caring arms.

Chapter 18

Vicky

The alarm on my cell phone went off. I needed to get ready for work. I slowly tried to squirm out of Luc’s arms and he began to wake up too. The room was pitch black and I would have liked nothing more than to fall back asleep. As much as I felt emotionally exhausted, I was also feeling a little lighter that morning.

He placed a chaste kiss on my forehead and stood up. That’s all I get? Really?

“You had your tongue shoved down that redhead's mouth. Didn’t that scare you?” I didn’t mean to come off as sounding irritated, but my sexual frustration was growing especially with sleeping in such close proximity to him. I couldn’t help but feel his morning boner pressing into my behind.

“Vicky this place was jam packed with people last night. If I lost control, there would have been enough men here to put me in my place. Besides I told you I was good,” he said with a cocky grin.

“So why don’t you show me how good you are?” I called out to him as he stretched out his arms. His shirt lifted up giving me a nice view of a happy trail, I’d like to see more.

“I will show you, you can count on it…but not yet. I won’t let you use this thing between us to numb your pain, or whatever it is that you do. I want you to see this as a deep connection, not a temporary fix. I refuse to be your temporary fix,” he said, walking off to the bathroom.

My lips turned down as he closed the bathroom door, I’m not used to being rejected. A moment later I heard the toilet flush then the sound of running water. He must be taking a shower.

I peeled myself out of bed and walked into his master en-suite bathroom. It was the size of my bedroom back home. Luckily the toilet had a private room and I stepped inside to relieve my bladder. When I was done I stepped out. Glass doors surrounded the shower and Luc had them all steamed up, preventing me from a clear view of his naked form. I pulled his large white t-shirt over my head and sauntered over to the shower door. Luc was facing the wall and was rinsing shampoo from his head. I stepped into the shower but his eyes were still closed. I closed the shower door quietly and hugged him from behind.

He flinched, “Shit, Vicky what are you doing?” he asked, swinging around and opening his eyes. I didn’t answer and as his eyes roamed over my body, the gold flecks in them turned to smoldering flames, as his large cock stood to attention. I’m hoping he would reach forward and claim my lips or maybe touch my breasts, but he did neither. Instead he brought me in by the shoulders and put me in front of the multiple shower jets. It felt like a delicious massage against my sore bones. Then he bent down and picked up the shampoo and began to build lather in my hair.

“You are going to wash my hair?” I asked with a shocked tone. That wasn’t what I was expecting him to do. Not with the raging hard on he had.