“Yes….I have to go home and arrange things…I’m the only one….” In that moment I realized that I had to find my brother, Joe. He had been gone too long and it was time for him to return. Nessa threw her arms around my neck, but it didn’t console me. “I need to pack, Nessa,” I said patting her hand. She released me and I stood up. I felt spacey as I made my way to my room to pack. I also realized that I wasn’t fitting all my new clothes into my old duffle bag. With nothing to look forward to but a funeral in Thunder Bay, I realized that once things were taken care of I would return to New York. Luc and Bryce were here, and now even Nessa was staying here. I grabbed a small backpack I had in the closet and filled it with as many clothes as possible. I figured I still had some clothes back home in my closet, so I would make do.

Before leaving my room, I checked my phone again to see if Luc had replied to my text message. There was still no response and I didn’t know what it meant. It was very unlike him not to get back to me. I wanted to drop by his apartment anyway to pick up some of my toiletries. If he didn’t respond by then I would call. As I walked back into the main room Nessa was still seated on the couch, twiddling her fingers and looking lost and sad. The smell of something burning immediately invaded my senses, and I quickly ran to the source of the smell to see what was wrong. “Shit, Nessa, you charcoaled the pancakes,” I said, quickly lifting the pan from the gas stove. Even the handle was burning hot and I dumped it into the sink. “Nessa,” I snapped again and she lifted her head and jumped to her feet.

“Sorry, Vick, you really threw me off. I think I should go back to Thunder Bay with you,” she offered looking pale and distant.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to, I will manage. I guess I usually do. You just started working at the deli, I don’t want you to jeopardize your job.”

“I could always find another one if you need me.”

“Thanks, Ness, I appreciate it but it’s okay. Bryce is flying me back to Thunder Bay on his jet. I will just grab my backpack and head up to Luc’s to grab a few things, and then I will leave. I should be back in New York right after the funeral.” I gave Nessa a hug and she squeezed me a little too hard. “I will keep you posted.” I patted her back hoping that she would release me from her vice grip. She looked as lost as I felt, and I knew why we were quite a pair.

“I can’t believe you are flying home on a personal jet. I want to squeal right now, but I know this isn’t the right time….oh…bye, Vick,” she waved as I walked out of the apartment. I hadn’t been living there long, but the place had begun to grow on me. For the first time in a long time, I was on a good routine away from my self-destructive days.

As I entered the elevator I sent a text message to the driver that I would be down in ten minutes. He replied that the jet was ready. As I walked toward Luc’s door I noticed it was open a crack. I wondered if he was rushing this morning and forgot to lock-up. It seemed unlike him to do something like that. He always checked the locks and made sure everything was secure at night. As I stepped into his apartment all the lights were off but the sun shone through the blinds providing enough light for me to see where I was walking. I made my way up the stairs quickly. When I reached the top step, I stopped dead in my tracks. Luc was sitting on an armchair in the hallway, he was leaning far off to the side, holding a tumbler with amber liquid. Beside the armchair was an old fashioned marble table with a large bottle of the same amber liquid floating inside. The bottle looked half empty.

“Holy shit, Luc, you scared the crap out of me, what’s going on?” I asked, knowing something was off if he was drinking alcohol. He hadn’t touched a drink in two years, his life had been about control and making amends. Something bad must have happened to him today for me to find him in this state.

“Get out of here,” he slurred. “Get out of here now, Vicky,” he screamed, his tone full of warning.

“Luc, you are drunk, what happened?” I asked, feeling like my nervous stomach was being tied into knots. This day kept getting worse.

“Vicky, get out of here, I am drunk and dangerous. I don’t want to hurt you,” he said through huffed breaths. His face had reddened and his green eyes were bloodshot. He was angry but it looked like he was trying to maintain his self-control.

“Luc, please talk to me, I’m not scared of you, what is going on?” I urged him to speak as panic enveloped me. Was he relapsing? I didn’t understand.

“Dammit it, you stubborn woman,” he said with a raised voice. Then he took the tumbler and smashed it into the wall behind me. The tumbler shattered into a million pieces of broken glass and I flinched taking a step backward.

His bloodshot eyes looked angry and consumed by a darkness I didn’t understand. I knew he threw the tumbler to scare me away but I wanted to show him that I wasn’t scared, that he wasn’t dangerous.

“Cut it out, Luc, tell me what the hell happened to you,” I demanded. I wasn’t his ex-wife; I knew him and I thought I knew him from the inside out. He said he became a monster when he was drunk. I could see that the alcohol had a negative effect on him, but I wasn’t going to turn my back on him.

“Vicky, leave, I don’t want you here,” he said, pointing his finger at the staircase.

I placed my hand on his arm, to show him I cared, to show him I wasn’t going anywhere but he whipped his arm back violently throwing my arm off. “What the hell has gotten into you?” I asked drawing my brows together. I now felt insulted by him.

“You, Vicky, you have gotten into me and now I need you to leave. I don’t want to be with you,” he said huffing into my face. At that point the blood drained from my face, and I felt like I couldn’t take his shit right now, not today and not ever. This is why I didn’t want to try to be with him, because I knew at the end of the day, I would be the one hurt. I would be the one left alone and today that realization hurt more than anything.

As Luc stood towering over me accentuating how big and bad he was, I relented. “Bye, Luc,” I said looking him squarely in the eyes. When he didn’t respond. I went into his bedroom tiptoeing over the shards of glass and got my things. When I stepped back out of his room he was still sitting in the same place throwing back more amber liquid and looking straight ahead so we wouldn’t make eye contact. Walking down the stairs I felt grim, like I was leaving a part of me behind with each step. I finally opened the front door and left his apartment. By the time I made it back down to the SUV I was a shaky mess. My entire life was crashing down before me, and I didn’t think I would be strong enough to handle the fall out.

“The jet is waiting,” Derek said smiling through his rearview mirror.

“Thank you,” I replied solemnly. As the SUV made its way through the stuffy traffic in New York, I tried to think back to my morning with Luc, but nothing stood out to me as a warning signal. He was so gung-ho about our relationship. He was willing to risk his heart and he was giving me everything he had to offer, which was himself open and true. Things were real and good. I know I wasn’t imagining it.

I sent Joe a text message about Papa and then I put my head back on the headrest and took a few long breaths. My chest felt so tight that it felt like I had forgotten to breathe. As we entered the airport, the SUV got on a side road and then turned onto what looked like a tarmac as it finally came to a stop in front of a gleaming white jet that said Tyson on the side. My mind was saying 'holy crap' on repeat. This was real. As crazy as my life had become, this was definitely an adventure I had never anticipated. I was grateful to Bryce, knowing I would be home to take care of things soon. I would also be forced to face my reality once again. Working at Tyson and riding on a jet, it all felt like an escape to me and it was so welcome.