“Yeah sure.” I grinned.

“McDicks?” He smirked devilishly.

My hand went flying up to my mouth, the thought of the Big Mac made me sick. “No way, maybe wonton soup,” I suggested.

“Huh?” he looked at me confused.

“The Chinese takeout place, we can grab some soup,” I reiterated.

“Ah… yeah sure, it’s on the way, so I guess that works. Besides, Marie said she would open up for the guests.”

“Yeah, thank goodness for Marie,” I sighed.

“You said it,” he replied looking out to the road with a far away look in his eyes. I wondered if he was thinking of Eva and Nelly.

After shoving wonton soup down my throat on the drive back home and enjoying every second of it, I needed some fresh air. I noticed Jamie’s Mustang idling in front of the house. When I got out of the Tracker, he cut his engine and stepped out of the car toward me.

“Hey, Joe, I will meet you inside soon.” I said, as Jamie made his way over to me with both hands in his front pockets.

He eyed Jamie in a way that said, ‘don’t mess with my sister,’ and Jamie tilted his chin to Joe and said, “Hey.”

I didn’t want to get into things with him, especially not today, but I understood that he was here to pay his respects. He had spent a lot of time with my family and both my parents loved him.

“I’ll see you inside, Vick,” Joe muttered, then made his way into the house. Jamie and I began to stroll down the street I grew up on. So much had changed, but now it seemed like everything had stayed the same, Jamie and I walking along the street, hanging out at the edge of the court with other friends. Walking with him reminded me of a time of innocence and purity; a time when I didn’t understand the cruelty of life. I hadn’t learned those lessons yet. “So how are you holding up?” he asked, tilting his head to look at me. He still kept his hands in his front pockets and his shoulders were slightly hunched. This was Jamie being nervous. The air around us crackled with uneasiness. We hadn’t spoken since the day I caught him cheating.

“You know, I’m taking it day by day,” I muttered.

We walked along to the edge of the court where there was a bench situated in the middle. “Do you want to sit for a minute?” he asked with hope in his eyes.

“Yeah sure,” I replied and took a seat on the bench. Jamie took a seat beside me but kept a comfortable distance from me.

“I’m sorry for what happened that day, Vick,” he began. I opened my mouth to say something but he lifted his hand to stop me. “Give me a minute, just hear me out.” I nodded in agreement. “You and I we had been so close for so long. I was in love with you, but I always worried that it wasn’t enough. I always worried that I wasn’t enough. You were brilliant. You went to university while I was working on cars. In the back of my head I always figured that the day would come when you would realize what I already knew. When my mother left me, it damaged me. There is no other way to look at. As an adult I understand that she left for her own selfish reasons, but as a kid I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. The reality is that, even today when I know better, I still have that insecurity inside me that makes me feel not good enough. Maybe that is the gift she left me with.” He shook his head. I couldn’t believe he was opening up this much. I had to admit that he was getting to me. There was a large part of me that broke because of what he did. “You have to know, Vick, I didn’t love Lily. That day at the shop was the first time I cheated. I know it’s not an excuse. She was easy and I took the opportunity, but I only did it because I was facing the inevitable.” He looked up to me with droopy eyes. I couldn’t say that I didn’t feel for him because I did. I felt sorry that his mother left the way she did. I knew he was living with that burden. I guess it gave me closure understanding that he cheated because he felt his own inadequacies and not from something that he didn’t like about me.

“I’m sorry you felt that way, Jamie,” I said finally, turning my head and really looking at him. He was very handsome and he was always good to me. Looking into his blue eyes reminded me of the good days. There was something about the first guy you had sex with that tugged at your heart. They may hold a special place, but it didn’t mean that they were your soul mate.

“Does this mean you will give me another chance?” he asked and extended his hand so it overlapped mine. Suddenly his touch startled me and felt wrong. I pulled my hand away.

“Jamie, thank you for explaining to me what was going through your mind that day. It makes me feel a little better about things, but you and I have been over for a long time. I think you are a great guy, and you treated me well. I don’t want you to think you weren’t good enough for me, because I think you are kind and loving and have a lot to offer. I just don’t think we are a good match anymore. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve changed.” I didn’t want to give him the 'it’s not you line it’s me,' but I had no choice. “I’m not the same person I was even two years ago. I appreciate your honesty, but I don’t know what I want these days. There may be a good chance I will go back to New York.”

Jamie’s lips tugged up at the corners but his eyes were sad, “I never pegged you for a small town girl, Vick. You should go and conquer the world.”

“Thanks, Jamie, I think you also have so much potential. You shouldn’t think less of yourself. I could have never built that roller coaster without you. You have real talent,” I said, reminding him of the hardship we took upon us when we built the roller coaster in my parent’s backyard, our senior year of high school. If it weren’t for Jamie, we would have never got the motor running.

“Thanks, Vick, I appreciate that,” he said standing up. He bent down and placed a soft kiss on my head. “Do you want to come back to the house?” he asked.

“Nah, I still think I need some air. I will hang out here a while longer,” I responded with a light smile. It was good to have this closure with him. I didn’t want to tell him that I already met the love of my life, and that I gave him my heart; only he took it and stomped on it, and now I didn’t think the damage was repairable. I watched as Jamie walked down the street toward his car with his head bowed. When he started up the Mustang, I heard its loud growl and then he drove off.

Memories began to flood my mind, I remembered all the times I rode my bike up and down the street. All the times I had fallen off my bike and scraped up my knees. As a teenager I remembered hanging out in the end of our court with my friends. I had a lot of good childhood memories and that’s when it hit me. I’d come full circle. When Mama died I felt abandoned. I didn’t know how to handle the abandonment, and after she died I went running off like the scared little girl I was. The drinking, the parties, it was me lashing out at the loneliness that gripped my heart. I didn’t only lose hope, I felt completely lost to myself and to the person I had become.

I stood up and began to walk around the court touching my stomach lightly. A part of me was almost afraid to acknowledge the baby inside me, and a part of me felt overwhelmed with love that I had the baby inside me.

Of course everything I think came back to my mama. I wondered how she felt coming home and realizing that she was pregnant. She was only eighteen. I was twenty-two, even though I felt like a child. She must have felt just as confused and alone as I did now. Yet she was the best mama ever. A vivid picture of her warm green eyes and dark hair entered my mind and warmed my heart. I felt like she was looking down on me smiling. How proud would she be to know that my baby doesn’t have a father? Of course my thoughts drifted to Papa, as angry as I was at him, I can’t be angry anymore knowing that he was gone. He loved her so much he couldn’t live without her. Who knew that coming home for a funeral would involve so much drama? Joe was a father and I was about to become a mother. The reality seemed fabricated. We were only children ourselves not long ago. We were forced to grow up too quickly. I can’t help but feel that this is what I needed.