“See, Ashley, the break up is a good thing for you,” Dad says, glancing over to my mom with such an assured smile.

Of course he sees this win as proof he made the right decision. I think I might be sick right here. Then his eyes land on Casey.

“This is what you need, Ashley, a nice boy like Casey with similar interests, like swimming.” He squeezes Casey’s shoulders.

I nearly choke. I’m in such shock I’m speechless. Words literally will not come out.

If only my dad knew the truth...

The look Casey gives me is filled with questions, but there is anger there, too. He doesn’t say anything; instead, he turns back to my dad with a shit-eating grin.

“That’d be great, Mr. Taylor. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Ashley for a while now. Isn’t that right, Ashley?”

“Excuse me,” I say, pushing past everyone. I’m numb in a way I have never been before. I’m sure I’m going to be sick. I need to just keep walking. Say nothing and keep walking.

“Frank, stop.” My mom sounds appalled for me.

“What? That is what she needs to get over the break up.”

I hear my parents in the distance, but I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. I just need to keep walking.

By some miracle, I make it to my locker without making eye contact with anyone. I go through the motions of packing my bag. I just need to get my stuff and leave.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I hear his voice.

Casey doesn’t care that the room is packed or who can hear him. He’s at top volume.

I don’t say anything. I can’t. I just keep packing my bag. Don’t look at him. Don’t say anything.

He reaches in front of me and slams my locker shut, which snaps my attention to him, and my eyes lock with his. Damn.

“Are you really broken up?” he asks, a little softer this time.

“I can’t talk to you about this.”

“Why?”

“Because...” I take a deep breath, holding eye contact. “I still love him.” I have no idea if this is the right thing to say. All I know is that I need him to think we are broken up, or he will tell my parents. This is the truth; I’m just leaving out a small part of it.

The silence goes on forever, I guess I need to break it.

“That’s why,” I finally say.

“I’ll change your mind, Ashley Taylor.” His lips curl up into a smile. All traces of hurt are erased and replaced with a challenge. He’s a born competitor faced with a challenge, and he’s determined to win.

I just shake my head. I don’t even know what to say. I have no idea who to talk to about this, but I know I can’t tell Todd.

***

Ryan’s door is closed when I get home, which makes me second-guess my decision. Oh, screw it! He’s the only one who will understand.

I knock on his door incredibly lightly, subconsciously in hopes he won’t hear it and I can still back out, but by some miracle, he hears me. Maybe this is a sign.

“Yeah?” I hear his voice through the door.

“Ry, it’s me. Can I come in?” I can’t remember the last time I asked to come in his room.

He opens the door and my brother is standing there in boxers and a T-shirt.

“You heard?” he asks.

“Heard what?” I ask as a reflex and then quickly change from I-need-advice mode to I-need-information mode. I have to play it cool, or Ryan won’t tell me whatever it is he thinks I know.

When he looks down at the floor, I notice for the first time that he is off, that something is wrong. All of my thoughts instantly fly to Todd.

“What happened, Ryan?”

His eyes stay on the ground as he shakes his head.

“Is Todd okay?”

“Not sure,” Ryan says with a shrug, his eyes still locked on the carpet.

My heart starts to race. I know if Todd was really hurt, Ryan wouldn’t be here. He would be at the hospital … unless there was no reason to be at the hospital.

My eyes start to fill with tears. I don’t even know why. I don’t have any information, but I can’t handle even the thought of really losing him.

“Oh, my God. Ryan, what happened? You’re scaring me.”

His brown eyes come up to meet mine when he realizes the direction of my thoughts, but given the last few years, you can’t blame me.

“We lost. Todd missed the game winning kick. He never misses, Ash. This is his second miss ever.”

“How far?” I don’t know why this is the first question that flies out of my mouth.

“Thirty-eight yards. It was an easy kick.”

“Does this mean no state?”

“Yup. No state.” Ryan looks back down at the floor.

“How is he?”

“I don’t know. He wouldn’t talk to anyone.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. I tried, Brian tried, Mark, even Coach. No one.” He shakes his head again.

“What about his scholarship with Penn?”

“I’m sure it’s fine. I don’t know, though. He didn’t sign anything official yet. I mean, kickers miss; it’s just, Todd doesn’t.”

“He didn’t call or text me, either.”

“You should try to call him.”

“Me? He’s not even allowed to talk to me. His parents will hear.”

“He’s resourceful; he’ll figure it out. But wait, if you didn’t know what happened, why did you want to talk to me?”

“Something happened at the swim meet.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot. How’d it go?”

“The race was great. I got my best time.”

“Well, looks like the break up was good for one of you.” His lips turn up into a small smile.

I can’t help laughing, because I thought the same thing, but then I remember what my dad said.

“Yeah, Dad said that, too.”

My brother widens his eyes in shock.

“Wait, it gets better. He said it in front of Casey.”

“Shit.”

“And then he said to Casey that he’s the type of boy I need, someone with similar interests, like swimming, and that I should go out with him.”

“No, he didn’t?”

“Could I make this up? I mean, really?”

“Shit. Todd’s going to lose it if you go out with Casey.”

“I know. I don’t know what to do, Ry. I mean, I’m not going out with Casey.”

“What did Casey say?”

“He asked why I didn’t tell him about the break up.”

“Did you tell him the truth?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“I just said it was because I still love Todd. It’s half the truth. I just left out the part about us still being together.”

“Yeah, that’s good, Ash.” He runs his fingers through his hair as he always does when he’s stressed. “I’ll talk to Todd.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I have no idea what to say, but I’ll tell him. He’s gotta talk to me eventually. Or maybe we don’t tell him yet. He’s got enough to deal with right now.”

“Okay. That’s true, but maybe it should come from me. I really don’t know.”

“Yeah, but first we have to find him.”

TODD

I can’t even breath I’m so mad at myself. I cannot believe I missed that kick. I don’t know what is going on with me. Maybe my dad and Coach are right; maybe I do need to just concentrate on football and scholarships.

But I want to be with Ashley. I need her.

I couldn’t go home after the game—who wants to hear ‘I told you so’ for the thousandth time from my dad?—so I left my car in the school parking lot and started running. It’s the only time I can actually concentrate lately. School, football, colleges, scholarships—it’s all too much to handle. I just need to avoid it all, and running is the only way I can do that.

My legs took me here, to our field, as if they were on autopilot. I need to be here to think. Even as a kid, this was my go-to place when I needed to be alone.

I can’t catch my breath, although I don’t know if it’s because of my run or because I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Everyone keeps telling me to pull it together, but I don’t know how.

I have no idea how long I have been on this swing like a ten-year-old, but I can’t bring myself to stop pumping my legs. Flying through the air is exhilarating, feeling the breeze soar around me. While I keep pumping harder and going higher, I can see the lights of the town each time I float up. It’s breathtaking.