“I think it might be best if you left,” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

“Jordy—”

“Please.” I turned my back on them.

I heard the door close behind them.

I wandered back into my bedroom and looked at the clock. I had to be at the house in two hours.

I grabbed my cell phone and started to call Chad.

Contact with brothers was forbidden before tonight.

Why would they lie to me? Why would they tell me all that stuff if it weren’t true?

Why hadn’t anyone fed me? All week?

It was St. Bernard all over again.

No one likes me. No one cares about me. No one wants me to be a Beta Kappa. My big brother hates me, and Chad—

No, I wouldn’t believe that.

Chad did care about me.

Chad loved me.

But he’s never really touched you, has he, other than a sexless hug or kiss on the cheek?

I started shaking. I sat down on the bed.

They know him better than you do. There’s no reason for them to lie to you. Jeff and Blair have been nothing but kind to you since the day you met them. If they’d known about you and Chad, they would have said all of this to you long before today. And you’ve blown off Roger how many times? For Chad? You chose Chad over your big brother—and if what they said was true, can you blame Roger for not wanting to be your friend?

“It’s not true,” I whispered, willing myself to believe. “Chad really does care about me. He knows I’m a virgin. He knows I don’t have a lot of experience. He just doesn’t want to rush me into something I’m not ready for.”

How many times had someone really hot hit on Chad at Fusions, only to be turned down? How many times had Chad just shook his head and said, “No, thank you, I’m here with Jordy” as he slipped his arm around my shoulders?

That had to mean something. It had to.

By the time I was standing in the parking lot lined up with my pledge brothers I was a complete emotional wreck. I couldn’t even think about what might be in store for us as Eric Matthews walked across the parking lot to greet us at precisely six p.m. Once we were inside and they ordered us to change back into our Hell Week clothes, screaming and yelling at us as we fumbled out of our dress clothes and put on the filthy, nasty clothes we’d worn every moment we’d been in the house all week, I was disconnected. Chad wasn’t in the crowd of brothers screaming at us. Chad wasn’t there as they blindfolded us and the final, most horrible night of our pledge semester began.

The night seemed endless. The blindfolds never came off, as we were led around the house and screamed at almost constantly. At some point I just went numb. I just didn’t care anymore. I spent most of the night sitting on the floor while weird music that sounded like whales fucking blared in my ears. And my interview with the national examiner, who would make the final decision as to whether I would be a Beta Kappa or not, was horrible. He called me names. He asked me if I thought I could buy my way into the brotherhood because I was rich. He called me lazy, stupid, and mean. He accused me of blowing off my big brother.

My God, everyone in the house has noticed.

“Get this spoiled brat out of my sight!” He spat the words at me, and someone helped me to my feet and took me out of the room. I was returned to the room with the loud music and seated on the floor.

It was all I could do not to cry.

On and on the night dragged.

And then, someone was whispering in my ear. “Stand up and come with me.” I didn’t recognize the voice. I just wanted to get away from the horrible room I was in with the horrendous loud noise that sounded like a cross between whale song and the screaming of an animal being slaughtered. I heard a door shut behind me, and I sensed I was in a room full of people.

“Take off your blindfold.”

I did. I was in the Chapter Room, facing a room full of the brothers. Roger stood directly in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Jordy. We tried everything. But the national examiner just doesn’t think you’re Beta Kappa material.”

I couldn’t look him or any of the others in the face. I looked down at the floor.

“But we like you, Jordy.” Roger’s voice shook. “We think you are Beta Kappa material. We want you to come back and pledge again next semester. Will you do it?”

I looked up into Roger’s face. I looked around the room at the faces of the other brothers. They all looked sad.

I wanted to scream no and walk out of the house for good.

But I looked at Roger. There were tears in his eyes. And I thought about how shitty I’d been to him, how I’d blown him off over and over again to hang out with Chad, and how he didn’t deserve that. Not after everything Chad had already put him through. And I knew the national examiner was right.

I didn’t deserve to be a Beta Kappa yet. And I would do it all over again—only this time, I would do it right.

“Yes,” I said, my eyes filling with tears.

Roger threw his arms around me as the entire room cheered. “Congratulations, you passed the final test,” Roger whispered in my ear.

I was too dumbfounded, too shocked, to say anything as Roger pulled me through the crowd of brothers who were slapping me on the back, saying congratulations, and grinning. When we reached the door to the storeroom in the back, Roger whispered, “Get back in there and be quiet. We have a few more pledges to get through.” He opened the door and I walked through.

Jacob was standing there, his face streaked with tears. He was holding a bottle of champagne, and handed me one. He was about halfway done with his bottle. “Dude, we made it!” He grinned, weaving a little bit.

I popped the cork on mine and took a swallow. We were alone. I steeled my courage. It was now or never. “Jacob, what happened with you and your big brother?”

“Chad?” He made a face and took another drink. His face darkened. “We’re not supposed to say bad things about brothers.”

“It’s just me,” I whispered. By the sudden increase in volume of that horrible music, I knew they’d just brought in another one of my pledge brothers. “I won’t say anything, Jacob, I promise.”

“He only picked me to be his little brother because he wanted me to fuck him,” Jacob whispered back, winking at me. “I thought he wanted me to be his boyfriend, but all he wanted was to get fucked.” He shrugged. “Whatever. He has a nice, tight ass, so I’ll fuck him whenever he wants me to.”

My heart sank. “I saw you two through his window on Big Brother Night.”

Jacob hiccuped. “I shouldn’t have done it anymore after that night.” He swayed again, and I grabbed him before he could topple over. “I want a boyfriend. I want to be in love.” He winked at me. “But he’s a good fuck, and he was a brother so I couldn’t say no.” He giggled. “The last time was last night. He took me to his room and he fed me, and I fucked him. But that’s the last time ’cuz now I’m a brother.”

A loud cheer from the Chapter Room let me know another pledge had passed the final test, and before I knew it Phil Shea had joined us. I gave him a hug, but my mind was elsewhere.

All along Chad had been getting fucked by Jacob. And he FED him during Hell Week.

My mind was reeling. I alternated between anger and pain, hurt and rage, even as I put on a good face for each of my pledge brothers as they passed the final test. I knew I should be more excited about finally making it into the brotherhood, but all I could think about was Chad.

What game had he been playing with me?

And even as the brothers led us out to the parking lot to burn those nasty T-shirts, I couldn’t help but look for Chad. I was drunk, half of my bottle of champagne downed in toasts with my brothers in the storage closet. We sang the alma mater as our shirts burned, as brothers hugged us and congratulated us, called us “Brother” for the first time. I kept looking for Chad, but there was no sign of him anywhere.