And as the fire flickered out and the party moved back inside the house, I saw the light in his room was on.

I left the others and went to his room.

I knocked on his door. “Come in,” he said from inside. When I opened the door, he smiled. “Hi, Jordy. Welcome to the brotherhood.”

“Thanks.” I took another swig from the champagne bottle. “Why weren’t you there?”

“After Jacob passed the test, I came back to my room.” He shrugged. “I did my part and was bored.”

“It would have meant a lot to me to have you there.”

“How sweet.” Chad shrugged. “But your big brother was there, wasn’t he?” When I nodded, he added, “I’m actually kind of glad you came by. We need to talk.”

“Really?” I swallowed, keeping my face neutral. I heard Jeff saying in my head, “He told him on Initiation Night.”

“I’m afraid you may have gotten the wrong impression.” Chad gave me a phony-looking smile. I’d seen it before, when someone Chad thought was gross hit on him at Fusions. “And I wanted to clear things up. I mean, I might be wrong.”

“Well, that’s good, right?” I replied. I was amazed at how level my voice sounded, because my heart was pounding. “It’s always better to clear things up, make sure we’re on the same page. What might you be wrong about?”

“About us, Jordy.” Chad sat down on his desk chair. “I hope you haven’t gotten the impression that we’re dating or anything, or that we could ever be more than friends.”

“And why is that?” I heard myself saying. My heart was pounding so loud I was surprised he couldn’t hear it.

“Well, you know, you’re funny and sweet and a lot of fun to be around, but you just aren’t my type, if you know what I mean.”

It felt like my soul was being pierced and shattering into a million pieces. My mind split. There was a part of it that was screaming in agony, in pain, but somehow the loud beating of my heart was drowning out the screams, shoving them behind a door in the back of my mind. Another part of me floated free, disconnected from my body, and floated up to the ceiling where I could watch and listen to what was going on.

“No, Chad, I don’t know what you mean.” My smile was frozen in place. “Could you be a little more clear?”

He sighed. “Oh, Jordy, why do you make me say this?” He shrugged. “I like guys who are in shape, have muscles—you know, who take care of themselves. Not like you.”

Each sentence was another punch in the jaw. I was being pummeled, thrown back into the ring corner and being worked over mercilessly. I heard myself laugh as I struggled to keep control of myself. No one at St. Bernard had ever seen me cry, no matter how cruel they’d been.

But their cruelty had never hurt this much.

He was not going to see me cry. He was never going to know how much this hurt.

“Well, I didn’t think that, Chad, so you don’t have anything to worry about,” I heard myself say. “I can’t think why you had that impression in the first place.” I watched his face as it relaxed into relief.

I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to kick him in the balls and stomp on him as he writhed on the floor in agony.

“Well, I wasn’t sure, so I wanted to be clear.” He mock-wiped his forehead. “Whew. I’m so sorry, Jordy. I didn’t want to seem mean or anything. I’m glad I was wrong, and now we’ve got that awkwardness out of the way. I really am glad we’re friends, Jordy.”

And I want to see you die in excruciating pain.

“Me too.” I forced a smile on my face. “You have no idea how happy I am we’re friends.” I had to get out of there. I was close to losing it completely, and he was never going to see me cry. As long as there was breath in my body, Chad York would never see me cry. “Well, I’m—I’m going back to the party.”

“I’ll be there in a sec.” He gave me a hug, a weird one where he leaned forward and barely touched me. He gave me a cool peck on the cheek and patted me on the back again.

Somehow I walked out of the room and shut the door behind me before my breath started coming in gasps. I couldn’t catch my breath, and my eyes began watering as I held on to the wall for support. I had to get out of there. I wanted to get to my car and just drive. I wanted to get as far away from Polk as I possibly could. I wanted to forget I’d ever come here, that this whole thing had been a huge mistake—

“Jordy?”

It was Roger.

“Leave me alone, Roger,” I said, my voice shaking as I struggled to control the sobs. I would not cry in front of him. “I want to go home.”

“You’re in no condition to drive,” he replied. “Come on into my room and tell me what’s wrong.” He peered at me in the dim light of the hallway. “It’s Chad, isn’t it?”

I nodded, and he put his arm around me, leading me down the hall to his room. He unlocked the door and pushed me inside. He shut the door behind us and I sat down on the bed. I started sobbing, and the story came pouring out of me. “I am repulsive to him. I am fat and ugly and gross.” I wiped at my face. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I must have been crazy to think someone like him would want me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Jordy,” Roger said softly as he rolled a joint. “You have to get that out of your head. Chad’s the one with the problem.”

“No, he was right.” I forced a weak smile on my face. “Look at me. Who in their right mind would want me?”

“You need to stop beating yourself up about this.” He lit the joint. “Trust me, I know.”

“And I’ve been so shitty to you.” I buried my face in my hands. “I wish I was dead.” I waved the joint away. “How could I have been so stupid?”

“I tried to warn you,” he said simply. “But I’ve never wished I’d been wrong more in my life.”

His words, his kindness, made me cry even harder. “He needs to pay for treating people like this,” I blubbered. “He can’t get away with this.”

“Forget about him,” Roger said, sitting down next to me and putting his arm around me. “You’re worth a hundred of him.”

I put my head down on his shoulder. “He needs to pay.”

Roger kissed me.

I kissed him back.

He pushed me gently back down on the bed and unbuttoned my shirt. He started kissing my chest, my stomach, and then undid my pants. I put my hands behind my head.

Stop him, don’t let him do this, you aren’t interested in him.

But I didn’t stop him, because it felt good. He put his mouth on my cock, and I closed my eyes. His mouth felt incredible on my cock. He started swirling his tongue around the head, and I started moaning. But even through the pleasure, no matter how good it felt as he sucked my cock, I couldn’t get Chad’s face out of my head.

You need to make him pay for this humiliation.

And as I came, my entire body going rigid with the incredible feeling of my first orgasm induced by someone else, the answer came to me.

Yes, I would make Chad pay. If the only thing wrong with me was my body, well, I could fix that. This ugly duckling would turn himself into a swan. And I would make Chad want me.

And as Roger fell asleep in my arms, a smile crossed my face.

No one will ever make me feel like this again. Ever. And I’ll make Chad want me. I’ll work on my body and make myself physically beautiful. And when he wants me, finally, I’ll have my chance.

I would make him pay.

Interregnum

“So, the very next day I went to work.” Jordy smiled a little sadly. “I was very determined. Once I make up my mind, there’s no stopping me.”

“So, you’re telling me you weren’t attractive,” Palladino replied dubiously. “No offense, but I find that a little hard to believe.” As soon as the words came out, he regretted them. Slow down there, cowboy, you’re letting the fact he’s good looking affect your professional judgment. But they were true. Sitting there looking at the handsome young man, it wasn’t possible to believe he had ever been unattractive. The face was so handsome, for example. You don’t change your face through diet and exercise.