I nodded, biting my lower lip.

“And then Chad . . . oh, God, Chad. I was so in love with him. And then I got Jeff as my big brother, and they were both so great, you know? They taught me, they showed me it was okay to be gay, to be myself.” He sighed. “Jeff was such a great big brother to me. . . .”

“Jeff thinks he failed you,” I replied.

“Seriously?” He stared at me. He shook his head again. “But—I guess I’ll have to talk to him.” He stood up and started pacing. “I let what Chad did to me make me bitter, Jordy. I don’t know why he hates me so much. It’s not like I ever did anything to him, you know—but I kind of figured the reason he co-opted you was because you were my little brother.” He barked out a laugh. “Talk about self-absorbed, right? Of course, it’s all about me. And I didn’t even try, you know, to make an effort with you after that, because I didn’t think I could compete with Chad. And then when I finally had the chance to be a big brother to you, on Hell Night . . . what did I do?” He wiped at his eyes. “I took advantage of you. You were upset, you were drunk, and . . .”

I felt like I was about the right size to fit into a thimble. “Forget about it, Roger, please.” I shook my head. “Seriously, just stop, okay?”

“But—”

“No more.” I took a deep breath. “Let’s just forget the past and start over again, okay?” This isn’t right, I told myself. You shouldn’t let him think he’s to blame. You’re being a coward and this isn’t the way to start over.

But even as the words flashed through my mind, I said nothing. I remained a coward.

And another voice sneered inside my head, Well, he DID take advantage of you. You never in a million years would have had sex with him if you hadn’t been drunk and so upset and felt so ugly and worthless—

I used him to make myself feel better.

What kind of person am I?

I forced a smile on my face, pushing the voices out of my head. “There’s nothing to forgive, Roger,” I tried again. “I—I actually came by to say good-bye.”

He stared at me. “Good-bye?”

“You saw the video, didn’t you?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I got Bobby’s shitty e-mail.” He laughed. “You should read my response. He’s such a shit-head.”

“Some of the brothers went to the Executive Council.” I shrugged. “They want to have a hearing at Monday night’s meeting. I’m supposed to tell the Exec Council my side of the story tomorrow, and they’ll decide if there’s going to be a hearing. But from the way people have been acting around me since I got here, I think it’s a foregone conclusion I’m going to be expelled from the brotherhood on Monday.” I took a deep breath. “And you need to forget about Hell Night, Roger. You didn’t take advantage of me. If anything, I used you to make myself feel better. I should apologize to you.”

“But—”

“If you think you failed me as a big brother, you can make it up to me by being the best big brother ever to Galen, okay?” I reached out and patted his hand. “I hope we can still be friends, Roger. I’d like that very much.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not going to fight this,” I replied. “I’m not allowed in the house until I talk to the Exec Council tomorrow. I’m banned from Big Brother Night—and I’m not going to fight it.” I took a deep breath. “When I get home I’m going to e-mail Chris my resignation from the brotherhood.”

“What?” He blinked at me. “Are you fucking kidding me?” His voice rose. “You’re just going to quit?”

“I didn’t sign up for this.” I grabbed his hands. “Roger, when Chris was talking to me just now, I realized that I don’t belong here. Everything I loved about Beta Kappa wasn’t real.” My voice sounded hollow. “I don’t want to be a part of a house that would put me through this without even listening to my side of things first. I don’t want to be a part of a house where everyone automatically assumes the worst about me and doesn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt.”

“You’re going to quit.” He lit the joint again. “You’re not who I thought you were.”

“I guess not.”

“When I met you at Rush,” he exhaled, “the reason I was drawn to you—the reason I liked you so much—was that I could see what a good person you were. I could see, even though you couldn’t see it yourself yet, that you were strong and had a lot to offer, and I knew you would never, ever quit. I was wrong.” He laughed. “You are a quitter. You’re going to let Chad York railroad you right out of this house without putting up a fight. Chad York, who made you feel like dirt. Chad York, who belittled you and mocked you and made fun of you behind your back while pretending to be your friend. You’re going to let him get away with it.” He shook his head again. “I’m so disappointed in you, Jordy. I don’t think we can be friends after all. I don’t want to be friends with someone like you.”

I sat there for a moment, stunned.

He was right.

I was giving up and letting Chad win.

Once again, I was letting emotion control my actions and make my decisions for me.

Remember, you have an ace in the hole and you haven’t played it yet.

“You’re right.” I stood up and gave him a hug. I kissed his cheek. “Don’t ever believe you aren’t a good big brother, Roger. You’re the best.”

He smiled at me. “You’re going to fight?”

“Oh, yes.” I opened his door. “And I’m going to win.”

I stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind me.

I felt like I could conquer the world and slay giants.

And there was one giant in particular who really needed to be slain.

I took the stairs two at a time. Chad’s door was open. He was lying on his bed wearing only a pair of shorts, reading an economics textbook. “Hey, Chad, do you have a minute?”

His eyes narrowed, but he smiled. “Always for you, Jordy.”

I shut the door behind me. “I’m just curious, Chad. I want to know why.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He gave a little shrug.

“Give me a break, Chad. I’m not Brandon or Rees. I have a brain,” I replied, folding my arms. “You put your little buddy Robby up to making that tape. You got Bobby to circulate it to the brothers. You got Jay fired from his job.” I clicked my tongue. “You really have no conscience, do you?”

“I didn’t have sex in my gym.” His eyes glittered. “You both knew the risk you were taking. Why should I feel bad about it?”

It was like I was seeing him for the first time. I no longer wanted him or felt any attraction to him. All I could see was his interior ugliness, disguised for so long underneath some pretty packaging. The ugliness radiated out through his eyes. I made excuses for his meanness, his pettiness, because sometimes he was kind, sometimes he was vulnerable, and I’d cared for him so damned much I let that outweigh everything I knew was true about him but had denied.

I’d been so fucking stupid.

I’d allowed my heart to trump my brain. Emotion, not logic. Fantasy, not truth.

“All I really want to know, Chad, is what did I ever do to you?” I shrugged. “I was never anything but nice to you—even though you were so hateful to me.”

“Please.” He waved his hand. “You didn’t want to be my friend. You wanted to fuck me.”

“So?” A few months earlier—hell, a few days earlier—I would have been horrified to realize he’d known how I felt. I no longer cared.

“It was so pathetic.” He kept smiling. “Really, you have no idea how pathetic you were. You know, I felt sorry for you. That’s why I took an interest in you. I thought I could help you.” He gestured at me. “And I did help you. Look at you now. You’d still be that pathetic, chubby schlub if not for me.”

“I’ll give you that,” I replied evenly. “Maybe that was how it all started, but now I do it for myself.”

“And how do you thank me? By going after my ex?” he hissed. “You don’t do that kind of shit, Jordy. And you just turned yourself into a shameless whore. It’s really disgusting. And I thought Dante had a right to know what he was getting himself into.” He laughed. “I’m not somebody you want to fuck with, Jordy—as I think you’re finding out.”