“I need to thank you,” I heard myself saying.

His smile faltered. “For what?”

“Sending that video to everyone in the house.” It was weird. It was like I’d left my body and had floated up to the ceiling, looking down and watching, with no power over what was said and done. “I always knew you were a bottom-feeding, backstabbing asshole, but now it’s pretty clear to everyone.”

He flinched and took a step back. “Fuck you, Jordy,” he said, but it was halfhearted.

And then I returned to my body, and everything was clear. “No, Bobby, you actually fucked yourself.” I crossed my arms, my smile never faltering, my voice remaining calm. Yes, that’s it, stay calm. Logic over emotion, Jordy, that’s the way you win. “I suppose you’re proud of yourself.”

His eyes narrowed. “Actually, I am,” he hissed at me. “I never liked you. I never thought you should have been allowed to join. So, yeah, when I saw that video, I was happy to send it around to everyone.”

“What did I ever do to you?” I asked. I was curious; I wanted to know why he’d never liked me. I’d never given it much of a thought before, had rarely interacted with him.

“You think you’re better than everyone else,” he snapped. “And it’s about time you were brought down a peg or two.”

“You’ve been listening to Chad.” I shook my head sadly. “But I do want to thank you for doing it. I’ve learned a valuable lesson, and I always appreciate learning.” I started to turn away, but I couldn’t resist one last shot. “By the way—I hope none of your term papers are due soon.”

He looked puzzled. “I have one due on Tuesday. Why?”

I started laughing. “Good luck finding them. I have this weird feeling you’re going to have to start over from scratch.”

All the blood drained out of his face. “What?”

“You really should shut your computer down when you aren’t working on it.” I winked at him. “Did you know that when you’re connected to a wireless network, anyone with the right software could hack into your hard drive? And delete things? Important things?” I shrugged. “I sure hope nothing like that happened to you.”

His mouth worked for a few moments, but nothing came out. His face reddened, and he spluttered, “You son of a bitch! I can’t wait to vote to expel you Monday!”

“There’s not going to be a hearing, Bobby, I hate to tell you.” I smiled. “All that effort, all that energy, to get me expelled from Beta Kappa, all for nothing.”

He turned and ran back to the stairs. “Have a nice life, Bobby!” I called after him. I heard his heavy footsteps as he ran up the stairs. I imagined the look on his porcine face as he tried to find his files and realized all his work was gone for good, would have to be re-created from scratch.

What a pity.

I started walking down the hall to the back door. This is the last time I’ll ever be inside this house, I thought as I walked. I was so happy here. For the first time in my life, I was happy. Even with all the Chad shit, I felt like I belonged here—I belonged somewhere. But it was all a charade. Beta Kappa wasn’t what I thought it was, so all that happiness, that feeling of belonging, was predicated on a falsehood, was based on something that never really existed outside of my own imagination. I’ll just walk out the door and be done with all of this. It’s just as well. I can just drop the whole thing and be free. I got Jay his job back, so that wrong was righted. As for Dante, oh, well. It could have been something, but I was going to leave for Harvard after next year, anyway. So it would have ended by then. So, I’ll just go there next semester. Let them expel me from the brotherhood. I don’t really care anymore. It’s not something I want to be a part of anymore, anyway. It’s spoiled, ruined for me. Even if I were to go to the hearing and survive it, things around here would never be the same for me.

I reached Roger’s door and stopped.

I shook my head. I can at least make peace with him, apologize and say good-bye. I only hesitated a second, and then knocked.

He opened the door and smiled. “Jordy—this is a pleasant surprise.”

I gave him a hesitant smile. “Really?” I noticed that his complexion had cleared up. “May I come in? I need—I need to talk to you.”

“Sure.” He stood aside and let me walk in. His room was clean, everything in order, and there was even a laundry basket filled with dirty clothes.

I whistled. “Your room looks nice.”

He shrugged. “I got tired of being a slob. Have a seat. I was just about to roll a joint.” He sat down on the edge of his bed and picked up a plate with a pile of weed on it. “You want some?”

“Sure.” I sat down on his desk chair. The desk was neat, everything organized. “I can’t get over the way your room looks.”

He started rolling the joint and grinned at me. “Well, I kind of owe it all to you.” He filled a paper with some weed and started putting it together. “After the semester started and I saw what you had done with yourself, it kind of inspired me.” He licked and lit it. He took a deep inhale and passed it to me. He blew the smoke out. “I started thinking about it, really. I was like, you know, all you do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Instead of that, why don’t you make some changes?”

“Cool.” I inhaled. I coughed out a cloud of smoke and took a swig from my water bottle.

He took the joint back. “So, I decided to sign up for a weight-lifting class.” He flexed his right arm. “And look—some muscles! I started eating better, and my skin cleared up. I decided it was past time I started taking some responsibility for myself and, you know, take better care of myself, and it didn’t really hurt me to keep my room in order, stay organized and all.” He waved the joint around. “So, thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” I replied, feeling like an even bigger louse than I had before. “You did all this yourself. I had nothing to do with it.”

“I also want to apologize to you.” He offered me the joint, and when I waved my hand he stubbed it out in an ashtray.

“For what?” I laughed. “Actually, the reason I came by was to apologize to you.” And say good-bye.

“You don’t need to apologize to me, Jordy.” He took a deep breath. “I was a shitty big brother to you, Jordy—”

“No.” I interrupted him. “I won’t let you say that, Roger. No.” I shook my head. “It was me, all me. I blew you off all the time to go hang out with Chad and his friends. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I have a lot to apologize for,” Roger said. “You see, I didn’t feed you during Hell Week on purpose. I was trying to punish you, get even because you liked Chad and his friends better than you did me. I’m so sorry—but in my own defense, I thought for sure they would feed you.”

I felt like I was getting smaller by the moment. Every word out of his mouth was making my soul shrink even further. “Jeff told me about you and Chad when you were pledges,” I said haltingly. “Roger, I’m so sorry. If I’d known—”

“I didn’t want to tell you about it because I was ashamed.” He hung his head. “I was so in love with him, Jordy, I really was.” He wiped at his eyes. “All through high school, you know, I was picked on. Well, it really started in junior high school. The first time someone called me a fairy I didn’t know what he meant. I thought they were calling me a ferry, you know, like a boat that carries cars?” He laughed. It sounded horrible. “I didn’t know what they were talking about. And it just kept on and on, and the whole time, year after year, once I knew I was really gay, and somehow they all knew it . . . well, I just hated myself. I really did. I wanted to kill myself.”

“That’s how I was at St. Bernard,” I said in a very low voice.

“It wasn’t until I got out of high school, out of that horrible little Podunk town, and came here—” He shook his head. “I decided to join a fraternity—well, actually it was my dad’s idea, because he thought it would make a man out of me.” He shrugged. “And then I came to Beta Kappa, and the minute I walked in, I knew I belonged here. They had openly gay brothers, and no one cared. For the first time I could be myself.”