34

UNDER THE WATER

Some places that seem like they might be erotic aren’t. Water does have a tendency to shrivel up the penis. Also, even if you manage to maintain a hard-on, the water will make it twice as difficult to enter the vagina. Water tends to tighten up the vagina and makes the entrance rather dry.

I once attended a nudist camp where the men would joke, “Oh look, the water is that cold,” and with their fingers they would measure from an average six inches to a tiny two or three. Of course, they were indicating how their cocks reacted to the cold water (shrinkage).

The next time you want to make it in the water, forget about the lake or sea. Instead try screwing her in the bathtub. With the aid of the warm water, some bath oil, and a good bar of soap, you shouldn’t have much trouble. You just have to be a bit of an acrobat to find the right position. She can always place herself on top of your penis while you lay back like a pasha.

Also try pleasuring her with a faucet and running water. There are many ways to masturbate using household items, and I’ve found that each different item produces a different type of orgasm, from the most intense to the most relaxing. My parents used to have an old washing machine that jumped around when it hit the spin-dry cycle. While I was still living at home, I used to turn it on when everyone was out of the house, and, if I leaned on it in just the right position, I could have a fantastic orgasm. I have also enjoyed many relaxing orgasms under the faucet, but for this I find it easiest to lie down in the bathtub while the shower is on. The position is more comfortable and the flow of water is lighter.

If you find the bathtub too difficult to negotiate for both of you, then get the shower going, or run some bath water, get out some toys, position her either on all fours or on her back, and tease her while she is in the tub and you are not. Use the scene as a starting point and you can make your way back to bed for the grand finale.

35

YOU “KNEAD” THAT VULVA

You might begin by massaging her thighs and nibbling gently on her nipples (actually, gently or not so gently, depending on where her edge of resistance lies), but none the less, don’t just dive for the clit. Don’t skip the preliminaries. Use words too . . . you might whisper in her ear that you want her to lie very still because you are about to explore her for real. You might position yourself sitting Indian style between her legs so you can use your hands, see her sacred portal, and see her face at the same time.

“The certain signs of a genuine female orgasm are twitching of the inside thigh muscles, flowing vaginal juices, and her nipples should be erect at the moment of orgasm.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, December 1987

Put the sides of your palms up against the sides of her two labia and smoosh them together gently, and then harder, finding her edge of resistance and responding to it as you must. Then release and repeat—if she responds favorably. Release and move on if she doesn’t. Taking your thumb and forefinger from each hand, spread open her lips, sliding your fingers in the groove between her clit and her vaginal lips. Whisper to her that she has a beautiful cunt and ask her again to lie still.

Don’t be afraid to massage the area, as the muscles are rather hardy. Remember that the clit is extremely sensitive and so licking and playing with the area around it is often enough a bit painful . . . many women will snap their legs together if you do a frontal assault on the clit before it is ready to be touched. And many women will orgasm without ever having their clit directly touched.

It’s much more of a turn on to a woman to have a man whispering to her during the act, or giving direction, than to hear grunting and groaning. There is an element of control, I suppose, that a woman is seeking, and though many women want to lose control and grunt and scream, they want a partner who is consistently in control of himself. Excessive moaning or grunting or shouting out “Oh baby, oh baby!” through the whole thing, is not a turn-on for most women.

36

TRY A STOMACH MASSAGE

If you have a reluctant sexual partner, try warming her up to a belly orgasm. Either while she is sitting on a chair in front of you and you behind her, or with her on the bed and you kneeling over her, place your hands in a triangle position over her abdomen, and begin to gently massage; again, whisper to her. Ask her to breathe deeply and be still. Continue the massage. A belly massage will titillate the ovaries and stimulate her sexual appetite. Move your hands along, smoothly up her body . . . gently squeeze and pinch her nipples, spread her legs and insert a finger to see if she is getting wet . . . touch, read, react, and start all over. Soon she will be begging you to let her get up and join you in bed.

37

USE YOUR FINGERS

By keeping together the pointer finger, the middle finger, and the ring finger while gently caressing the clit, you will be able to cover a lot of nerve endings at the same time. Linda Sussman calls this “the three finger caress”; I had one lover who could make me come very quickly by employing this technique, but I just called it “that clit teasing thing you do with your fingers.”

“Don’t be annoyed at women for faking orgasm. If for some reason we women fail to have an orgasm at the prescribed moment, it is so much easier to fake one that it is to deal with the series of ‘No, I didn’t, darling, but it wasn’t your fault ...’ and all the other ridiculous conversation that will inevitably follow.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, April 2001

Another favorite trick of mine is what Barbara Carrellas calls “The Twist and Shout.” Use two fingers and insert them in her vagina tips down and then while you have your hand inside of her, you flip your wrist and hand so the fingertips are facing upward, then repeat twisting right, repeat twisting left.

Most women will enjoy some form of either of these tricks. Remember that whether you are using your fingers or your penis, some women like hard thrusting and some women don’t. Most women will happily overlook a size-challenged penis if the man is good with his hands. Hands are important. What you do with them is important. Knowing specific tricks is less important than knowing how to explore, and how to read her so that you can pleasure her in a manner that is desirable for her.

38

HEAD TO TOE AND TOE TO HEAD

From the website howtohavegoodsex.com, comes this challenging position: instead of assuming the missionary position, where the couple is head-to-head and toe-to-toe, one person should reverse their position, so that the two of you will now be head-to-toe and toe-to-head. Each person has a view of the other person’s feet. The angle of entry is not what most couples are accustomed to and it requires the party on the bottom to arch the pelvis and requires the woman to be willing to guide your penis into her vagina. If you can’t make it work, don’t fret. You will probably get some much needed comic relief as your reward for putting in the effort—for trying something new.

P. S. While each of you is facing each other’s clean toes, why not have a nibble? If she doesn’t like it then you might want to try an alternate approach: use your hands and massage her feet.