—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, November 1988

Most women’s fantasies involve some danger. The danger makes it exciting. The excitement is what she is seeking. Studies show that the adrenaline rush and endorphins produced from being frightened add to lustiness. Watch a scary movie together, ride a roller coaster together. I have also known couples who have a great time scaring each other with creepy masks, by hiding, by telling frightening stories . . . and they live lustily ever after, so there must be something to this.

25

DO THINK LIKE A LESBIAN

OK, you figured out she likes boxers and you got some and are wearing them. You planned a play-date with a pirate theme and donned the cape and plume. Your dinner was delivered and was in-theme (somehow). The music on the stereo was mellow and, more importantly, to her taste. You are in bed now and it’s your turn up to bat with the body clit. Don’t dive for it . . . yet.

When you get in bed with your woman, try to think like a lesbian. If you’ve ever watched two women together, they have none of the urgency that usually accompanies male/female sex. They are happy to take a leisurely stroll through the gardens of the flesh and, as a man, you should try to get yourself in that mind set.

You must be willing to do a slow exploration of her body and you will find her erogenous zones. And even if you’ve been there and done that, do it again! And again, and again.

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.”

—Sharon Stone

Start your journey by caressing every part of her body and watch her—watch for what she reacts to and what she doesn’t. Include massaging the head and scalp as this is excellent pre-foreplay (a relaxant) for many women. Knead, nibble, and squeeze the parts of the arms, the legs, and especially the thighs. Kiss the feet and lick the toes and don’t forget to lightly, or not so lightly, spank the ass. Pay attention then, and, when you are through with your journey, you will be filled with wisdom that, applied correctly, will make you a very rich person.

26

DO WAKE HER FOR SEX

Wake her up for sex. If you haven’t woken your lover for sex in the middle of the night, then you are missing something, and so is she. Especially if you went at it earlier, a second round in the middle of the night is very erotic for most women, but choose your timing. She’s not going to be so receptive if her alarm clock is set for 6:00 A. M.

“Many people who are classified as ‘oversexed’ are so filled with love for the human race that a beautiful body—and in particular beautiful sexual organs of both sexes—thrill them beyond belief.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, August 1998

27

DON’T LET YOUR PARTNER BE TOO COMFORTABLE

People with a zest for life have zesty sex lives. Boring people generally have boring sex lives. It is sad, but it happens, that we start in a relationship with someone who indeed has a zesty approach to life, but one day wake up and find that he or she has become the latter—the boring person, with a boring sex life, and you find that you have been dragged along to that sad place. If what I said describes you and your partner, you must do something right away! Every day you live with that, you are accepting a second-class life.

A boyfriend of mine had a peach tree which he grew from seed. When the tree was about ten years old, it was beautiful, but had never produced fruit. He consulted his agricultural specialist, an old Spanish farmer, who said, “The tree is too comfortable. Make it feel insecure. Beat it.” My boyfriend took a six-foot lead galvanized iron pipe and beat the daylight out of the poor tree. The following season it produced an enormous crop of fruit and has continued for many years. Now, I’m not suggesting that you beat your lover, but there is a lesson here somewhere.

A man never looks so good to his wife as when another woman is noticing him. A woman never works so hard at her relationship (or more specifically, the sexual relationship), as she does when she suspects that her man might be getting bored with her. So, yes, too much comfort and safety can be a bad thing. On the other hand, you don’t want to put her on edge unless you are able to do it without threatening her heart clit. That’s not something to be messing with casually. You might take an extra long look at a passing woman, but you better come right around and comfort the heart clit of the one you are with, or the results could be disastrous. The heart clit is the consequential one. The others are much more forgiving.

28

DO STUDY HER BODY

Learn her body as if you intended to sculpt it from memory. Even if some pretend otherwise (or especially if they pretend otherwise), every woman enjoys being with a man who can’t get enough of her. Every woman wants to have a lover who is totally into her body. One way of demonstrating how “into” her body you are is by studying it, scrutinizing it—use a flashlight if you think it helps. Make her giggle, make her gasp, and she will protest, but, underneath it all, she will be terribly flattered and likely to reward you in big way.

Try sketching her in the nude. Even if you can’t draw well, you can be impressionistic, and flattering.

Use edible body paint for some lighthearted play. Make sure that you are in fact using the edible, washable kind. A woman I knew well was shipped a box of body paints by a friend of hers with a note that said, “Have fun, you two!” and, within a week, my friend arranged a date with her lover for the express purpose of trying out the paints. His daughter was away, her kids were away, and the two of them got naked and got out the paints. Since he is a camera buff, the first thing he wanted to do was to take a picture of her with his name painted across her body. He painted “Humphrey’s Property” across her right ass cheek and going down her right leg. He took the photo. They laughed, and he went to get the wash-cloth. Then they learned that it was not washable and the two laughed till they cried over the trick her friend played on them. It took weeks of scrubbing before she got the graffiti off her body. So painting can be fun; just make damned sure it’s washable, and, better yet, edible.

29

DO GET HER TO MASTURBATE FOR YOU

Some men feel very insecure about their masculinity when they see their wife or girlfriend masturbating. This is not the mentality of a great lover, however. The great lovers are thrilled and excited and would pull up a chair and say, “Please, let me watch.”

Understand that for the same reasons men like to masturbate secretly, most women don’t want to be watched pleasuring themselves. This process, however, can shortcut your learning curve and thus shortcut the time to “mind-blowing” sex.

“Saying ‘everybody does it’ is not the right way to persuade a woman to do anything.”

— Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, October 2001

So insist upon it, whether she likes it or not. Be very patient, tell her how happy it would make you, that you don’t like to pressure her, but that you won’t give up, and tell her that just the thought of her masturbating turns you on immensely. Negotiate with her, work on her, get her to the point where you have equal rights to her body, and, if you do it in such a way as to make the heart clit safe and the brain clit interested, she will comply.