“How’s she doing?”

I shake my head. “The same.”

“She’s tough. She’ll get better. Look at me, it took me over a year for my nightmares to stop waking up the house.”

My chin falls level with the ground as I stare at him. We’ve never discussed his nightmares. Jameson and I have discussed with him what he saw over there in great detail, but we’ve never once told him that we heard him scream at night.

“You don’t think that shit woke me up too?”

I’m stunned into silence.

“I had to stop sleeping with a weapon under my pillow like we did in the desert after you guys moved in because I was terrified one of you would come in during the middle of one of my episodes, and I’d kill you. It took me a few days before I could actually go to sleep and not feel panicked about not being armed.”

His words are chilling, and I thank God my mom isn’t around to hear them because I don’t know that she’d be able to recover from those thoughts. I push them away and lean against my Jeep. “The first time we heard it, Jameson came in with a butcher knife.”

“Rookie. A butcher knife is not the weapon of choice you want in that situation. You have to stand way too close to inflict damage.”

My lips pull up into a grin. “Alright, GI Joe, maybe you can explain that to him later.”

Landon smiles and wipes his hands on his jeans. “She’s going to be okay. Just keep being there for her. You wouldn’t believe how much you and J helped me out after you moved in by just being there as a constant for me, distracting me from my own demons.”

“You should never have had those demons haunting you.”

“No, but none of us should, and yet that’s life.”

I had this pep talk with Landon today. I think the loss of your dad is awakening some demons in him. I know what you’d say to me if you weren’t fighting your own at this time, you’d tell me his demons are never gone. Each time there’s a loud noise, scream, or even a certain word that none of us seem to be aware of, we’re reminded of them when they pass across his face. This is different though. He doesn’t want to talk anymore than you do right now.

You’re going to be pissed when you hear this, but I ran into Felicia yesterday. If I wasn’t terrified by the idea of making you push further away from me, I’d say you’re a little to blame. I was at the store looking through ice cream flavors. Remember that time you told me that ice cream was life’s Band-Aid¸ and certain flavors offer more healing properties? I was trying to figure out which ones would be able to ease some of your pain. I don’t even need a full smile, I just need something, babe. Something more than the blank stares into your memories. I wanted in.

Chocolate chip espresso had not been the tourniquet I’d been hoping for. I had intended to get more, and was considering how many flavors I could stack in your freezer and at my mom’s when Felicia leaned on the glass freezer door beside me with her arms crossed against her chest and a smile that told me she felt like she’d won a bet.

“Hey, Max, are you back for the summer?” Those weren’t the words I was expecting to hear from her mouth. You see, I know we never really talked about Felicia and how that came to be. Honestly, I’m not quite sure how it happened. My mom says that before you, girls adopted me. That sounds sort of derogatory, but you know my Mom, she means you’re the first person I’ve chosen to be with. I would choose you every time, Ace.

Knowing you, you’d probably feel a little guilty if you knew how Felicia and I’s relationship ended. After all, you were my motivation.

You remember telling me how you wanted to break up with that douchebag, Eric, in person? Yeah, I know I rolled my eyes when you told me, but I understood. I felt the same responsibility when it came to defining my relationship with Felicia. She and I weren’t dating, but I still felt like I owed her an explanation because I could tell her feelings were wavering close to confusion … maybe I do walk a gray line?

This may surprise you, but I think she was actually a whole hell of a lot smarter than we thought in high school. She wanted to become an engineer. I’m not sure why she liked portraying that she was an air head. Have I ever told you, one of your hottest qualities is that you’re not afraid to be smart? Anyways, I set up a time to go meet at her house, not thinking of the repercussions of what she may have been thinking when I did. I know, I know, not my brightest move. I was distracted.

I needed to kill some time before I left because I was ready. I was so ready, Ace. I look back now and question how in the hell I managed to stay away from you for so long, but that hour seemed like it would kill me if I didn’t distract myself. Landon and Jameson were in the basement watching baseball.

“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Jameson asked. He likely sensed my anxiousness; I think my leg was bobbing even while I was standing.

“Clearing things up with Felicia.”

Landon turned to look at me and I could see the thoughts crossing his mind, though he remained silent.

“You’re finally going to tell Ace you like her?” Jameson wasn’t being a mocking asshole with his question. If anything, I think he was relieved. Our relationship and the ups and downs it had taken all summer caused my moods to shift like the tide.

My nerves for the impending “clarity” and wondering how I was going to tell you about it without coming across like a tool was still swimming around in my head and his question annoyed me. “I’ve told Ace that I like her.”

“No, you mentioned something to her and then let some asshole ruin your moment, and instead of getting back on track, you moped and ruined it.” He’s right. I still can’t believe how I let that asswipe, Emory, rattle me enough that I didn’t lay everything out that night. I had seen it on your face, you wanted me to tell you. I knew it even then. I flipped Jameson off though, because I didn’t want to hear the reminder. “I don’t know which one of you is more stubborn. She won’t dump fuckface and tell you she likes you, and you won’t toss your strange-ass girl to the side and admit you like her. You guys give me shit about not being straight with Kendall, but at least there aren’t two other people involved in our situation.” We’ll probably never agree on who was being more stubborn, but my God, for as stubborn as I was, you were ten times worse.

“Your situation is just as fucked-up as his,” I was slightly relieved to have Landon say that as he crumpled an empty chip bag in his fist. I was tired of having my failures be the sole focus. “Where in the hell is Kendall right now? Oh that’s right, Vegas. And don’t lie, I know you’ve been stalking her Facebook page and saw that dude that’s with them.”

“That guy looks like a douche,” Jameson muttered.

“A douche that’s in Sin City with your girlfriend because you were too big of a pussy to cancel your date with your ex-girlfriend.” I felt a little guilty for Jameson when Landon’s words lacked all tact. I knew he was struggling to remain calm and appear unaffected by her being gone. Hell, if you’d have gone, J and I probably would have ended up there.

“We’ll get shit sorted,” Jameson said, brushing him off.

“Yeah, because you’re going to ask Ace for help.”

“With these two, we need all the help we can get.” My tone was light as though I was joking, but that’s about the furthest thing from the truth. I was dead serious. I can’t tell you how many times I nearly cracked and asked Kendall to spell things out for me.

“So are you going to finally talk to her?” Landon ran a hand across his jaw, his eyes focused on me. He was reading me. I doubt he was even listening for my verbal reply.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m going to wait until she gets rid of her own excess baggage, but once she finally does I will.”