“You realize she like never sees him. I mean, yeah they call whatever in the hell they have a relationship, but that’s not a relationship. He’s been here like once all month. Kendall swears Ace said she wants to break up with him.” Jameson had said these words to me before, but I was still waiting for you. I always wondered if my own dad left because of another woman, and that tainted me from ever messing around with a girl that had a boyfriend.

“Then I’ll wait for her to get her shit together and do it. Tonight, I’m going to go get my shit together. I’ll see you guys later.”

I programmed the address Felicia texted me into my GPS and headed to her apartment, still trying to sort out how I was going to tell you about things when I got home.

When I knocked on the door, she answered wearing a piece of lingerie. Don’t hate me for remembering this detail, the only reason it sticks to my mind is because it made me feel like an even bigger asshole because it was obvious she wanted me there for everything except to tell her I wasn’t going to sleep with her.

I followed her into the apartment, shocked to find the place looking like a nightmare I once had when I was still in Alaska, working on the Arctic Bull. Sarge had gotten after Smitty for leaving his smokes in the galley, still lit. He went on and on about how he was going to have the entire ship light up like a fireball. I dreamt the walls were ablaze and closing in on me, choking me with smoke. Every surface was covered in lit candles. Some of the flames were at least a few inches tall. Several of the candles were close to flammable objects, including the curtains, making me think her chances of being an engineer were shot.

My mouth felt dry as I turned my attention to Felicia, and tried to swallow. “Listen, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for you to do all of …” My eyes ran across the dancing flames again and then back to her. I knew she understood. The flicker of pain crossed her features, bringing her arms to wrap around her midsection. A lot of people have that same reaction when they’re hurt or embarrassed, like they feel like they’re shielding themselves from the harsh realities of the world. I hated the reminder it sent of you that day I kissed her in my garage. That’s when I knew for sure you cared about me. I felt like the World’s biggest dick for like a week. I hated that I had convinced myself you didn’t like me and had pushed it that far.

I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head to try and rid the image of you and continued. “You’re a really cool chick, Felicia, and I’d like to be friends but—”

“It’s her, isn’t it?” she demanded, her eyes narrowing. “I knew you liked Ace!”

I had wondered if Felicia knew I had feelings for you. The two times she had come around and you were there I was distracted and barely spoke as I checked my phone repeatedly, hoping you’d call or text, even though I knew you wouldn’t. I didn’t want her pissed at you though. I’d made the ugly mess with her, not you.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have led you to believe this was anything more than friendship.”

“So you want to be my friend, and her what? Boyfriend of the week? You’re going to get bored. I’ve heard she’s a real prude. And neither of you seem capable of being in a relationship over a month, except for this current guy she’s with. You know about him, right? She’s with someone.”

I think I winced, caught between fear and anger with her underlying accusations. I was still a little terrified at that point that I would only ever be a flavor of the week for you even though I’d learned at that point you weren’t easy. “It doesn’t matter. Even if I didn’t have feelings for her, this still wouldn’t work.”

“You’re such a bastard! It isn’t going to work. You can live in your own delusional world all you want, but you and her aren’t going to work. You’re like oil and vinegar. You can’t mix the two.”

“But they sure complement each other well.”

She shrieked, cueing it was time to leave. “I’m really sorry.”

“Save it. It doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head. “Just go!” She flicked her wrist at me and I silently sighed with relief as I edged closer to the door and headed out.

I’ll admit, babe, even though I felt like an asshat, I was relieved as all hell. I know you think Felicia was interested in me, and who knows, I guess there’s a small chance that she genuinely was, but in all honesty I think she was always more interested in my reputation than in me. The thing is, the guilt still made me feel pissed at myself. If a guy ever treated my mom like that, I’d be livid. Plus, I had felt like I’d grown a lot over the past couple of years from girls like Lacey and Felicia. Like the insecurities you were evoking were causing me to digress.

The night of Dante’s party I was restless. When I’d gotten home from breaking things off with Felicia, I saw Eric leaving your house, and it wasn’t a tear-filled goodbye. Instead, he looked like a ridiculous Smurf, wearing all blue with a grin that stretched from ear to fucking ear.

“So what kind of thing do I wear?” Jameson asked, earning him to be mocked and teased by Landon for a good fifteen minutes. I don’t know how it ended, eventually I left to shower.

When I came out, Jameson was growling to himself as he rifled through what used to be Billy’s closet. I stopped in the doorway, making his attention shift to me. “That guy you saw on her Facebook is dating her roommate.”

His eyes widened with hope and I nodded. You sent me a text confirming the fact that morning, and I sort of forgot to pass that bit of information on. I’d been to jazzed that you had reached out to talk to me about something other than running for the first time in a while.

Jameson’s smile broke out into an appreciative grin and he nodded a few times, his relief palpable.

I moved to head to my room when his words caught me. “I’m glad you and Ace are talking. Maybe tonight you should tell her.” He’d been trying to get me to tell you how I felt about you since before Felicia and I officially broke things off. You have no idea how annoying he became after.

When we arrived at Dante’s, the place was filled to the brim with people, most of which were already feeling good as they danced and laughed. Jameson’s eyes automatically set out to search for your sister, while Landon’s started surveying the room. You know how crowds and loud noises sort of set him off and make him a little edgy, I hadn’t even considered it when we agreed to come that it was the first party he’d ever gone to with us.

I caught his attention by cocking my head forward and led them to the kitchen where Dante religiously sets up his bar.

“Alright, so do we just make it obvious and go find them, or do you want to try waiting for them to come find us again, since that worked so well the last time?”

My eyes narrowed with Jameson’s sarcasm. “She’s still with him. I’m not getting in the middle of that shit,” I said before taking a long slug of beer.

“Oh come on. I know you heard the girls in the pool again. It’s just a matter of time before they break up.” Remember when you asked me if guys stalk women as much as women stalk men? The answer is yes. We do.

“I hate saying this, but Jameson’s right. She’s being stupid, but you should figure out why because she obviously likes you.” Landon’s words shocked me. He’d never pushed me to do or say anything when it came to you. I just figured he understood that I didn’t want to interfere, but apparently he got tired of trying to keep his mouth shut.

“Whatever, you go do your brooding thing, then. I’m going to go find them,” Jameson said, tossing his cup in the trashcan. He and Landon retreated back out to the living room, and I stubbornly remained in the kitchen. I can now admit to you that I scanned the entire room every two minutes, in case you came in.