We head out to a beautiful French restaurant where Danny listens to me tell him about the trip, wincing occasionally when I mention my feelings toward Max, and when I admit that I slept beside him on the couch. He doesn’t get upset though. His face remains relaxed through most of my confession, expressing his patience.

“If you’re willing to try this, Harper, I’m in. I understand that you loved him, and that a part of you still does, but I think as time goes on, you’ll realize that I can love you more. I’ll make you forget him and all the pain he’s caused you.”

I want to explain that most of my pain has been self-inflicted, but hold my words, crediting that at least I’m able to acknowledge the fact.

“We can start slow. There’s no pressure. We’ll go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.”

I reach forward and close my hand around his, and he brings it to his lips and places a soft kiss on the back of my hand before squeezing my fingers gently in his.

Things fall into a comfortable routine. Fitz accompanies me to pick out some living room furniture, a kitchen table, and even a new mattress and box spring. I order pictures to be enlarged and find a few prints to decorate my walls with. It’s still fairly scarce, but it’s improvement.

Kitty has started an aggressive diet that she complained mercilessly about for the first two weeks when I’d visit her each afternoon, prodding me with questions about what I ate, as she reluctantly swallowed more of the food that her husband, Jeff, shoved in front of her. However, a month later, things are improving slightly. The tumor hasn’t grown, and in fact shrank slightly, and she’s admitted to feeling less lethargic.

I’ve notified Mather’s Science and Technology that I won’t continue my work there after the end of this semester. Although science is something I will always love, I know that pursuing this avenue of science will never lead me to a feeling of fulfillment because it will never be able to bring me more days with my father and that the attempt to beat what killed him may very likely beat me in turn because I won’t be able to stop. Thus leading me to changing my major. Initially, I consider going into grief counseling because after the year that I’ve experienced, and my time with Kitty, I now realize how life changing they are, but I also know that I don’t have the right personality for it. I would love to help others overcome their sadness, but I know that I would likely drown in it myself.

Instead, I decide to stay in medicine and study where life begins. I want to become an obstetrician and celebrate life. I know that there will be difficult moments and times where things will occur like what Sarah experienced, but I feel more prepared for those moments and know that regardless of what happens, I will come out of it knowing that the world can be cruel, but it’s also filled with possibility and miracles.

I think that’s what drew me to Danny. I knew after dating Max, I’d never be able to date the Erics of the world again. Everyone was right. I had been dating the wrong type. I need someone that doesn’t seek out order or overthink every detail of life, because I already do that too much.

“It will be nice,” I agree, smiling as the front of his body brushes against my back. I lift the spoon from the pot and wait for the steam to dissipate as Danny takes a deep breath and groans.

“That smells so good.”

“Want to try it?”

“I’m dying to try it.”

I lift the spoon closer to him and the right side of his lips curl into a devious expression. He takes my free hand and swipes my index finger over the back of the spoon and then focuses his icy blue eyes on mine. They’re bright, dancing with excitement and lust, as he raises my finger and slides it into his mouth. A soft moan leaves his throat that has my heart racing.

His hand tightens on my waist and brings me closer to him and then his lips release my finger and fall to mine. I drop the spoon into the pot and trace my hands along his forearms, up to his biceps, where I clutch his shoulders and angle myself so I can deepen the kiss.

Danny moves me back a few awkward steps that has me nearly stumbling before he chuckles and pulls back for a moment to scoop an arm beneath my legs and another behind my shoulders. He carries me up the stairs to his bedroom.

Things have gradually gone farther and farther between us, and I can tell by Danny’s intense kiss and searching hands that grip my skin with desperation that if I want to stop things, I’ll need to do it soon. But his weight feels good against my body, and his fingers roaming over my skin make me question if I want him to stop.

His fingers slowly brush against my bare flesh and the rough calluses that cover his fingers and palms make goose bumps rise across my body with the familiarity that the feeling brings, but the touch is different. Where Danny’s is soft and gentle, like he’s almost afraid he’ll hurt me, Max’s was intense and desperate, like he needed to touch every last inch of my body, memorizing each and every detail of me as his hands had pressed into my skin and traced every last line.

My breathing turns broken as I try to focus my attention on something else. I reach my hands around Danny’s back and work his shirt up so I can peel it off. He pulls away with a grin and allows me to slide it off without helping. His skin is warm and smooth, wrapped around his taut muscles below my fingers that seem permanently cold here in Delaware, even now that it’s summer.

Danny’s lips glide along my jaw, down to my neck, missing the back of my ear, a spot Max used to focus on because he knew the effect it had on me. I open my eyes as the mental image of Max invades my thoughts and notice a bird sitting on a branch outside the window. It stares at me, cocking its head to the side. I can almost hear it asking me why I’m paying attention to it rather than the guy that’s just unlatched my bra.

I turn my head from the window and the judgmental bird and close my eyes again, focusing on the slight hint of desire racing through my limbs as Danny places a trail of kisses below my ribs.

Then I hear the rip of a motorcycle and with it I suddenly feel my arms wrapped around Max’s waist, the warmth of the sun on my bare arms from when we rode to the park together and feel his thumb brushing mine as we sat next to each other and finally professed our feelings. My thoughts move to the sight of him following me to my apartment on his motorcycle with the street lamps along the interstate dancing over him, as if they too were anxious to touch him and disappointed to let him go.

My eyes open again and Danny’s propped up on his arms on either side of my shoulders, staring down at me.

“Where’d you go, H?”

Before I can respond, tears cloud my eyes and I close them in defeat.

“Babe, it’s okay. What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to hurt you,” I whisper. “I’ve already hurt you.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give.”

“I don’t have anything left to give.” I take a deep breath. “You deserve everything. You deserve someone that is going to give you every single ounce of themself to you. Every smile, every laugh, every thought, every hope, and every tear, because you’re worth every piece.”

Danny places his forehead to mine, and we quietly breathe each other’s air.

“I wish I had met you first.”

My throat constricts as more tears run hot trails down my temples. I nod silently, wishing he had too in a way. I wish I could love Danny as completely and consuming as I had Max, but I also know that if I hadn’t met Max first, there’s a chance I never would have had the strength to survive this year because he helped me learn so much about myself before I even realized it.