We lie in silence until Danny stands up and I follow him, my head throbbing as I reach for his hand, knowing that this is the last time I’ll hold it. A strangled cry rips from my throat as I clutch tighter to him.

Danny seems to understand this too as he wraps his arm around my shoulders and presses me to him. Still holding my hand, he wraps his elbow around the back of my neck and holds me as I cry.

After a while, he walks me downstairs and outside, still seeming as reluctant as I am to let me go.

“I love you, Danny. I wish that was enough.”

“Me too,” he whispers against my lips before he presses his mouth to mine.

I try with every last ounce of effort to give my heart to him.

But I can’t.

I’m learning your mind can’t force your heart to love anyone, regardless of how perfect they are and how much you want to. Max taught me that before I even understood it, when my heart willingly gave itself to him.

“How are you feeling, Harper?”

“Drained.”

“Because you’re still feeling guilty about Danny?”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to give me emotions?”

Kitty gives me a half smile and sets her pen down.

“I’ve been wondering what my dad would say. What his advice to me would be.”

“What do you think he’d say?”

“I don’t know,” I admit in a whisper. “I think I’m forgetting him because I have no idea what he’d say.” I use my knuckle to wipe away a tear. “I’m forgetting him and it terrifies me.”

“Harper, you aren’t forgetting him. You’re living your life. That’s what he would have wanted, trust me. I know that I’m going to die, and when I do, I don’t want you, or my children, or Jeff to constantly focus on my memory, feeling guilty for living because I’m not. I want you to live. Even if you get one hundred years on this beautiful planet, it still goes too fast. You must live in the present, live for today and the future. Live because your dad can’t. You owe him that respect. Remember his love and carry that with you for the rest of your life, but let the guilt and the fear go, Harper, otherwise you’re not living; you’re merely surviving.”

Tears course down my cheeks and my nose runs as her words hit me.

“You need to open his letter and get some closure.”

“I think for a really long time I thought Max would wait for me. I know that’s selfish and probably even childish, but I guess I just hoped this would all get sorted out somehow and things would go back to normal.”

“There are very few things in this world that we can consider normal. Life is not one of them.”

“I just miss him. I still miss him.”

“Because you don’t feel that you can be yourself without him?”

“Because I feel like he brought out a better side of me. He introduced me to things I never would have ever done on my own.”

“The crazy situations?” she asks, brushing her skirt out as her legs cross.

“Yeah, I mean I did things with Max that I never would have done.”

“Harper, I want you to think about that story you told me about skinny dipping, TP’ing your neighbor’s house with Kendall, and moving out to Delaware. Those aren’t things many people would do because they’re scary. You have the strength to do crazy. You’ve had it all along. Max just helped you recognize it.”

I wake from another nightmare. They returned shortly after I returned to Delaware. I pad out to my living room and rather than sitting on my new couch, I sit on the floor beside a large box marked Dad and slowly open the flaps. I sift through things that elicit both tears and laughter.

I call Fitz when I pull out my letter. He’s sat through far too many of my tears over the last several weeks as I’ve worked to recover from losing Danny, but he willingly comes again when I call and ask him to help me read my letter because I’m finally ready.

My fingers tremble as I carefully open it so that I don’t tear it or create any creases. My chin quivers and my eyes fill with tears as the papers unfold. His hand writing feels like a sentiment, like he left a small piece of himself here with me.

Dear Ace,

Some years these letters are so difficult to write because there’s so much going on, I can’t even fathom not being around. It was your mother’s idea to begin writing to you girls each year with the unlikely chance that something ever happens to one or both of us and we’re not there to say goodbye. In your first letter I wrote an entire page on how that came to be, so if you’re actually reading this and want to know more, you’ll find all of your letters in your safe deposit box at the bank. Likely this letter will join the others at the end of the year, adding to the stack that one day, far, far in the future, I hope you’ll enjoy looking back and reminiscing all the good times we’ve shared.

On the rare instance something has indeed happened and you’re reading this letter, I’m sorry, Ace. I’m so sorry.

My eyes flood with so many tears I have to move the letter back so they can’t fall and obscure the ink. I let out a deep breath and feel Fitz’s hand travel across my shoulders with quiet assurance before my eyes continue.

Know that regardless of what happens, you will never be alone. Your sisters and your mom and I love you with every fiber of our beings. Not only will you always have the Bosse women to fall back on, but you have Kyle and Caulder, and now Max.

Chills break out across my skin and a small cry makes it hard for me to breathe.

This is one of those years that it’s so difficult for me to try and articulate everything I want to say because I’m so excited to see what will happen in the next couple of years. Watching you fall in love for the first time this last year has been one of my greatest joys. I’m thrilled to see what you’ll decide to study in school, and how you’re going to leave your mark on this world, because believe me, Ace, you already have, and it’s just going to continue to get bigger.

Previous years, I’ve always tried to fill these letters with my favorite memories from the last year, and so here it goes. My favorite memories of Ace at the end of 19 and beginning of 20:

Getting to see you complete your first year of college. I know it was hard for you to leave home and experience this journey, yet you never once voiced your concerns. You’re so strong and watching you grow and become so close with Abby made me realize that although you’ll always be my youngest, you certainly aren’t my baby anymore.

Going to France. True, this makes the list nearly every year, but I love sharing my history with you girls, and although it was only the three of us that went this year, I loved getting to spend extra time with both of you and seeing everything that we did. No matter how many times we go into Notre Dame, the significance never pales, and I always seem to find a newly magnificent piece when we visit the Louvre.

Watching you fall in love with Max. This was one of the hardest and best things for me; because I watched you struggle with your fears and trying to appease everyone. I had to fight not to tell you what you should be doing and allow you to come to the realization on your own. You did it perfectly, Ace. Every step of the way, you did it all perfectly, at your own pace, and at your own comfort level. You followed your heart. When did you get so wise?

Savannah having baby Sawyer on your birthday. I may be becoming a sap in my old age, but I swear, I saw visions of the future watching you and Max holding her.