I sat there until the bus door opened, and the band walked in. I didn’t bother to glance up as I saw three sets of shoes stop in front of me. I knew exactly what they were going to say, and even though I knew I deserved it, I didn’t want to hear it.

“I hope it was worth it, Drake,” Jade snapped.

I knew it was bad when Jade was the one to jump on me first. We were all a family, but she always tried to keep her opinions to herself.

“Don’t, Jade. I know I fucked up. I don’t need to hear it from you.”

“Obviously, you do. You just let the best thing that ever happened to you walk away. How stupid are you? Are the drugs really worth losing her?” she asked.

“You know the answer to that! Of course they aren’t worth losing Chloe, but what do you expect me to do? She wants me to quit the tour and go into rehab. We can’t afford to cancel the rest of our shows, and I don’t need rehab to stop. I can handle this on my own!”

“Fuck the band, and fuck the drugs! This is your life, Drake, and you’re letting it walk away without even trying to save it.”

“Just stop!” I stood and glared at her. I stepped forward until we were mere inches apart. “It’s done, and there’s nothing I can do to change it!”

“Back the fuck off of Jade, Drake. It’s not her fault that you’re a fucking idiot,” Adam said as he pushed me back.

I snapped when he touched me. I drew my arm back and threw a punch that held every emotion I was feeling—pain, anger, regret, and most of all, loss. When my fist connected with his nose, he stumbled back.

“What the fuck?” he roared as his hands went to his face.

My eyes widened as I watched the blood pour from his nose. “Oh shit, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to.”

“Fuck you, asshole!” He threw a punch of his own.

I stumbled back with the impact. My nose instantly started bleeding, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

“What the fuck is so funny?” Adam asked.

My laughter turned to full-out howls at his words. “We’re punching each other and bleeding all over the place.”

The three of them stared at me like I’d lost my mind, and I had to admit that I was thinking the same thing.

I managed to stop laughing long enough to speak again. “I’m sorry, all right? I didn’t mean to hit you, Adam. And I’m sorry for what happened with Chloe, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I can’t go to rehab right now.”

“Why not?” Eric asked.

He had been silent through all of this, and I was surprised that it was him who spoke up.

“Because we need to finish this tour. After we’re done, I’ll go after her. Hell, maybe she will cave and come back to me.” I didn’t see the latter happening, but I could hope.

Chloe was a hard-ass, but I knew she loved me. I wasn’t being conceited about it. It was just something I could see. I knew the chances of her coming back were slim, but that hope would keep me going until I could stop using and find her.

And I swore to myself that I would stop using. As soon as we finished our shows, I would stop, and then she’d see just how wrong she had been by trying to force me into rehab. I’d hated it the first time, and I wasn’t about to go back. I was in control this time around, and I’d be damned if I let anyone, even Chloe, try to tell me different. I knew her heart was in the right place, but she had freaked-out for nothing.

“You’re insane, Drake. Chloe isn’t going to come back to you, especially if you don’t stop using. She’s a smart girl, and she knows that she needs to protect herself,” Eric said as he watched me closely.

“She doesn’t need protection from me. I would never purposely hurt her. You guys have to know that.”

“You’ve already hurt her, and you’ve broken her trust. You can’t just go back from something like that. If you have this under control, I want you to stop using right now. Finish the tour sober, and then find her. We’ll back you up if she doesn’t believe you. I love you both, and I don’t want to see either one of you hurting,” Jade said.

I walked around her and grabbed a few napkins off the table to wipe away my blood. “I’ll stop. I promise. Let’s get through these last few shows, and I’ll stop.”

“You’re seriously going to keep using even though we all know?” Eric asked incredulously.

“Chloe just walked out on me. Would you rather I found another way to deal with it?” I asked, hoping he would understand.

Jade’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t cheat on her, Drake. I know you better than that.”

“Chloe, drugs, and women are the only things I know. I can’t go without having at least one of them.”

Jade threw her hands up in the air. “You’re a sick fuck, Drake Allen. Enjoy your drugs and women because you just lost everything else that was important to you, including me.” She turned to stomp off the bus.

I watched as she walked down the stairs and slammed the door behind her. Great. Now, I’d not only pissed Chloe off but Jade as well. How many times could I fuck up in less than an hour? I looked up to see Adam and Eric watching me. “What?”

Adam shook his head. “I hope you get your shit together soon because I’m not going to sit here and watch you crash and burn.” He turned and followed Jade down the steps.

And now, I could add Adam to the hate train, too. I glanced at Eric. Maybe he didn’t hate my guts. “We cool?”

He shook his head. “We’re the furthest thing from cool you could ever possibly imagine. I don’t even know what to say to you. I knew something was going on with you, but I hoped that it wasn’t this.”

“I’m fine, Eric. Honest. Just give me some time to get my shit together, and everything will go back to normal. I’m not going to lose Chloe…at least not for forever.”

“You’re an idiot if you think that you haven’t already lost her. I saw her face, Drake. There’s no coming back from that.”

“She’ll be fine. Like I said, when we finish this tour, I’ll stop using, and I’ll find her. She loves me too much to let it all go.”

I was sure of it, but Eric looked far from convinced.

“You took everything bad about her childhood and threw it back at her. You know what she had to deal with, and it’s like you don’t care. I can’t even begin to understand your thought process right now.”

“Let me handle it, okay? Just focus on our band, and I’ll take care of my personal life.” I was starting to get pissed off again, and on top of that, my head was still killing me. I needed to escape before I did something stupid, like hit a band member in the face. Wait, I’d already accomplished that feat.

“It’s your life to live, and I’m not going to sit here and preach to you about it. I just hope you get your life together soon. If you keep it up, you’re going to be out of the band, too.”

His words shocked me. Never once had any of them mentioned kicking me out of the band. Sure, I knew I had been a dick lately, but I didn’t see how they could want to kick me out. I was the main attraction, and they’d tank without me.

“Whatever you say, but we both know you can’t get rid of me without the whole band going under.”

“We’ll survive. I don’t want to kick you out, but we can’t keep dealing with your shit.”

I ignored him as I reached down and picked up the cocaine bag from where it had landed earlier. I didn’t need this shit from any of them. I walked to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me before I pulled out my mirror. Fuck them all. I had this under control.

She never came back, and she never called, not even once. With each passing day, the reality of my situation sank in. I’d lost her. With that reality closing in on me from all sides, I started using more. Her leaving had the opposite effect of what she’d hoped for. Her absence was pushing me to use more.

I knew I was being a dick to everyone around me, but I didn’t care. The darkness surrounding me seeped into everything and everyone around me until the entire band was as down as I was. I made sure that I was ready for every show we had, so I could at least say I didn’t suck at that part of my life.