Trey

By the time I get out of work two days after she ripped my life away, my mind is a blur, and I’m exhausted from two nights of no sleep. I check my phone and there are no texts or missed calls. Briefly, I debate if I should call her again. She has to come around eventually, she’s just grieving. Right? This has been the wedge in our relationship from the beginning. I’ve constantly had to fight against some image in her head of what my life should be. It’s my life and my choices. To be honest, I still imagined myself drinking and partying at this age. Not my now usual routine of putting the kids to bed and then crashing with Kailey on the couch to watch some dumbass reality show about millionaires who can’t find love. But that vision shifted as soon as Kailey sat down next to me on that airplane. I just need to get her to believe that.

The parking lot of the funeral home is packed. Finding a spot in the back of the lot, I take a deep breath before opening the door. This is my time. She can’t run or dodge my calls. She’ll have to face me here and allow me to comfort her and show her that we’ll weather this storm together.

I step through the doorway and people are milling about. Most I don’t recognize, except maybe some of Caden’s faculty friends from the university. When I step in the room, my heart plummets to the ground. The sight of side-by-side caskets with bouquets of flowers fill the front of the room. It’s hard to express that it’s almost peaceful that they went together. God knows I can’t imagine continuing my life without Kailey. Caden kept to himself mostly, but he showed the deep love he had in his own way. It wasn’t unusual for me to find him crying in his car, downstairs late at night, or just the sporadic tears that would overflow his eyes when Jen would be throwing up all night or admitted into the hospital. I sign the guest the book and wait my turn to give my condolences. My heart clenches, my mouth goes dry, and I fight to keep my feet planted to the ground. As much as I want to run to her and wisp her away from this whole scenario like some prince from the fairytales I read to Chloe and Tara, I don’t because this is reality not only for her but me too. Her body shifts, and her gaze concentrates on the floor in front of her while she waits for guests to hug her and whisper their sympathizes in her ear. Her aversion to looking up reveals she knows I’m here. How could she not? I felt her in the parking lot. That undeniable connection Kailey and I have had since I laid eyes on her that day.

People inch forward, and my time draws closer. She won’t be able to escape me. She’ll have to face me. I keep my eyes on her because there’s good chance I’ll be chasing her at some point.

The closed casket is lined with pictures of him, Jen, and the kids with an enormous bouquet of flowers. A small red sash, reading ‘Loving Husband and Father’ peeps out. Caden’s parents flew in the day after the accident, finally willing to help out. It’s the only reason I’ve given her the distance; otherwise, I’d be sleeping on that damn couch until she comes back to her senses. They give me their sympathies back. Caden had become a good friend over the past months, and I can’t help but sense his parents and he had a strained relationship. They’ve been upfront and honest that due to their age and location, they can’t take responsibility for the kids, not that Kailey would want or allow it. I place my hand on the casket and say a silent prayer for a funny, straight-forward man, who’s up in heaven with his lovely wife. No one could have predicted that they would leave this earth together.

Instantly, my mind takes me back seventy-two hours ago. Mr. Troutdale’s deep gravelly voice rings in my head. “There’s been an accident...the ambulance was hit...it rolled several times...Mr. Campbell wasn’t strapped in...only the driver survived.” Kailey’s sobs were the next noise to fill the room. Her repeated ‘I don’t understands’ has me begging every last person in heaven to take this pain away from her. Send Caden and Jen back down, make this nightmare go away, make my girl happy again.

Kailey stays strong through her tears, even going down to identify the bodies after constant pleas from me not to. The police are willing to let me go by myself, but Kailey says she needs to see them to believe it.

She never even fully loses it when we go home. Deciding on how we’re going to tell the girls, Kailey decides to tell them together. Brady, Sadie, and Dex take Drew to the park while we sit Chloe and Tara down. Tara on Kailey’s lap and Chloe on mine, we tell them there was an accident, and that their parents wouldn’t be coming home. Of course, neither fully understands.

Later that day, Tara passes out from crying in a fit asking for her mom and dad, and Chloe sits in her room playing by herself. I knock softly, and she turns my way. The redness in her eyes evidence she’s more upset than she’s letting on. My feet carry me across the plush carpet, and I sit beside her, crossing my legs. Her collection of Barbies is strewn across the floor. “Do you want to talk?” I ask her.

“No.” She picks up the red-haired doll and changes her into a fancy dress.

“Are you sure?”

She continues to play quietly, ignoring my existence. “Where are they?” Her voice is soft and vulnerable.

“Remember how we’ve talked about this? In Heaven,” I remind her of the conversations I had with her a few weeks ago when she cornered me at the park. Asking questions about her mom being sick and what did dying mean. I worried it wasn’t my place, but I figured I should be straight with the kid. She had legitimate questions.

“With the pretty angels,” she recalls. Picking up a doll-sized brush she starts combing the red hair over and over again.

“Yeah, she’ll watch over you now. Her and your dad. They’re never far away from you.” My best attempt to understand something I’ve never had to fathom. Everything inside of me breaks for not only this little girl, but her siblings as well.

“Will I see them?” My shoulders fall and my eyes close, willing myself to come up with anything in order to leave this girl with some hope.

“One day, you’ll meet them in Heaven. But right now, just know they’re looking over you.” Her eyes meet mine, and she studies my face for a few breath-starving minutes.

“I miss them,” she says straight-faced no emotion.

“I know.” I hold out my hand, and she clasps it tightly.

We sit for a while in the silence filled room until Dex knocks softly saying they had pizza downstairs. Chloe lets go of my hand and walks out of the room. Dex clasps my shoulder when I pass him. “You okay, man?”

“Yeah, eventually we will be,” I say.

That day I realize I would be a father to these children. Kailey and I would be their guardians. The scariest part of the whole realization was...it wasn’t. Thoughts of my days with Kailey and these three kids don’t frighten me. No anxiety or panic wash over me. Of course, I wish they could have their parents and vice versa. It’s the ultimate devastation to a family, one I would reverse in a second if I had the power. But I couldn’t, I was powerless except for the fact I could be there for them. Give them a life filled with love and laughter. I just have to convince Kailey first.

Her back is turned to me when I approach, but she knows I’m here. The urge to touch her is too great to ignore. My hand steadies on her hip, and my feet bring me closer to the warmth of her body. Leaning into her, her apple scent has me breathing deeper. It’s been two long days without her, the longest I’ve been away from her since we confessed our love for one another.

“Kailey,” I plea, begging her to let me love her, love all of them. Give me the chance to prove this is what I want, instead of her deciding for me. Her head drops, and her shoulders shudder making my hands automatically pull her toward me. Entrapping her in my arms, I hurry her out of the room while whispers swirl around us. We barge into the room I spotted on my way in. Luckily, it’s empty, and I lock the door.