Jessa and Grant stay and help us put the kids to bed. Jessa is trying to pick Kailey’s brain on every last detail to make sure she’s prepared. Obviously, she doesn’t remember who she’s married to. Grant probably has a list of everything he needs, like some damn Boy Scout. I bet he’s already read two parenting books.

After we get everyone down, I’m eager for them to leave, so I can have Kailey to myself. It’s one of the best times of my day. The house quiets, and I snuggle up with the woman I love, cherishing what we have. Thank god they take my subtle hint when I say, “Thanks for watching the kids, now get the fuck out.”

We say our goodbyes, and Kailey begins walking into the kitchen. I quickly step up behind and wrap my arms around her waist. Snuggling on the couch, she begins to fade fast until eventually succumbing to sleep. I watch her for a few moments, her chest rising and falling and the light stream of breath flowing from her mouth. She’s so beautiful, and she’s mine. A feeling of ownership and happiness flows through my body. I finally found where I belong.

I get up, turn off the television and carry my beautiful girlfriend up to our bedroom. She wakes up barely to get dressed in her pajamas, and I strip down to my boxers and curl up next to her. Her ass presses into me and it’s all I can do not to wake her up. But she needs her sleep, so I wait until my eyes eventually droop and close.

I’m awoken by the bed bouncing and loud squeals the next morning. All three kids are jumping around, laughing and falling all around Kailey and me. I reach up and grab Drew, pulling him down to the bed. He giggles in delight, and Kailey stretches awake displaying her flat stomach when her shirt rises up. “I guess it’s time to get up,” I say to her, pulling her close to me.

“Breakfast,” she announces, and they jump off our bed.

“I want pancakes,” Chloe says.

“Bacon,” Tara shouts.

“Me too,” Drew babbles.

“Well, go downstairs, we’ll be right there,” she instructs our small army, and they scurry out of the room.

I stand up to put on a pair of pajama pants and shirt. Kailey grabs my wrist and yanks me down on the bed. Placing her one arm around my head, she presses her lips to my cheek. “I love you,” she whispers. I imagine I’m displaying the cheesiest grin, but I could give a shit. My life is fucking great.

Epilogue

Dex

Pink and Purple balloons blow in the wind from their spots tied down in every corner of the yard. A giant Princess jumpy thing is anchored to the well-manicured lawn. For a guy who didn’t want the suburbia dream life, he sure has it now. Trey moved out the next day after finding out Chloe was the daughter he placed for adoption. Not that it was the deciding factor, I’m sure it would have happened regardless.

My ass has been sitting in this plastic chair for the past hour as kids run around me, screaming and crying. I love my little pseudo nieces and nephew, but all of these kids at once are a bit much for me. If all that wasn’t bad enough, their parents are here too. The youngest parent still has Kailey and Trey by at least six years. They’re all far removed from their college days, which leaves me to hang out with my friends. Which would be great if I wanted to hear about Jessa’s cervix and Sadie’s incessant wedding talk. Not like I don’t hear it enough around the house. Twenty-four fucking seven, she’s on the phone with her mom or Brady’s sister Maura. I can’t wait until they get married, so it all stops, but I’ll be long gone before then. No way will I live with a married couple. Rob and I have talked about getting a place of our own, so we’ll see.

Trey walks out, calling Chloe over to blow out her candles. If the kids, their parents, or my friends weren’t enough to drive me insane today the fact that Trey’s whole damn lot of living relatives fills the yard seals it for me. His mom won’t let it rest that I’m the only one here without a girl. Jessa looks at me, knowing Sam’s arriving in a few weeks when the baby comes.

I sigh thinking about Sam. No one believes us, but it truly is casual between us. She’s the girl version of me. She likes to get off, and I don’t mind being the one to do it. I went out to visit her once, and it was fun. We rented a hotel room and fucked all day and night. As far as talking or getting to know each other, nope. We watched a lot of Ridiculousness on MTV and laughed our asses off getting drunk. We have a good time together, and I’m eager to see her in a few weeks because man does she have some skills in the bedroom.

Chloe runs over and sits in her queen chair, ready to blow out the candles. After she makes her wish, all her friends fill the empty chairs while Trey and Kailey begin passing out the cake. Finding this as my time to escape, I sneak into the house. There’s barely an inch of wall space that isn’t occupied with a picture of someone. Jen, Caden, the girls, Drew. Everyone is up on display.

“Hey, man, how are you holding up?” Trey comes in searching the freezer.

“Fine. Shit, man. You’ve done a one-eighty,” I remind him, like I do every time I see him. I can’t help it, I miss my wingman.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should try it sometime.” He smirks my way. Brady and Grant follow inside next.

“Jesus, can you please tell her to stop mentioning how much she’s dilated and how exactly the doctor figures it out? Come on, man,” Brady sighs, shaking his head at Grant.

“No way, you tell her. She’s eight and half months pregnant, hormonal to the fucking max. She’s uncomfortable and cranky one minute and all lovey to me the next. I’m not telling her anything but yes until the baby pops out,” Grant says with the conviction of a man trying to stay alive on the battlefield, and we all laugh.

“Tell your girl to quiet down on the wedding talk. It isn’t the fucking royal wedding or something. Fifty billion people will not be watching it,” I say to Brady.

“You can tell her, but she thought Jessa was bad. If she only saw herself in the mirror.” Brady shrugs. “But the hell if I’ll say something.”

“You’re all pussy whipped. Let’s do a Vegas trip or something,” I try to rally them.

“Jessa’s due any day,” Grant says.

“We have the wedding expenses,” Brady adds.

“Look around, man, do you think I’m going anywhere?” Trey chimes in.

‘You all suck,” I say. “Where’s Rob? He’d have my back.” I pretend to look around the room.

“He said he couldn’t make it. Another car race.” Trey digs the ice cream out, and Kailey’s already there to grab it from his hands. “Thanks, babe,” he says and kisses her on the cheek.

“He’s really into that car shit lately,” Grant mentions. “Every time we’re over, he’s in the garage.”

“Yeah, it’s his second love, after himself,” Brady jokes, and we all laugh.

“Let’s at least go up there one night. Trey, you could race the Charger?” I try to gather them up again.

“Maybe I’ll go, but I’m not racing,” Trey sits down at the table, and we all pull out our own chairs and join him.

We continue to talk for a while. Trey gets up to say goodbye to the other kid’s parents and his family. Soon the girls find their way inside, luckily the talk of placentas and tulle have been replaced by music and television. Grant slides a beer to me from across the table, and I clink it with him before downing half of it.

Kailey and Trey join us after everyone has left. Chloe plays with her new dolls, sharing with Tara. Drew passed out on the floor. Trey’s mom scoops Drew up and disappears upstairs while his dad ushers the girls to take a bath.

“We have this guys. You go outside and enjoy yourselves,” Pete, Trey’s dad instructs us. Kailey and Trey don’t have to be told twice as they grab some more beers and rush outside. Trey lights the tiki torches, and Kailey unplugs the inflatable. We all sit around their porch table, and Trey pulls out a deck of cards. Now this is what I’m talking about.