“I don’t care about that, Brady. There are things about me you just don’t know and once you find out…” I continue to shake my head, putting my key in the door.

“I could give a shit about your past. Hell, we all have pasts, Sadie. I refuse to let you throw this away.”

I hold the door open with my back, my eyes fixed to the ground. “Goodbye, Brady,” I say to him, walking through the doors.

“No, Sadie.” He grabs my arms, pulling me to him. “Goodnight… not goodbye.” His lips brush across my cheek. “I won’t give up. If you’re not going to fight for this…I’ll do it for the both of us.” He releases me before letting the door shut between us.

I make my way up the stairs and open the door to an empty room. I walk over to the ladder of my bed, shedding my flats as I go. Crawling up to my bed I close my eyes, willing the tears that are escaping to stop. Why am I so fucked up?

Chapter 5

Jessa’s key turning in our lock wakes me. She stumbles in the doorway, wearing what she wore last night. The smile on her face is evidence of her good time with Rob. Staring over at my clock, I notice it’s ten in the morning.

My stomach is still full from the meal at the diner, which brings visions of Brady to mind. I sit up in the loft, watching her try to be quiet, tip-toeing around the room to change.

“So, where have you been?” I shout down and she jumps back.

“Jesus, Sadie. You scared the shit out of me,” she screeches, holding her hand over her heart.

“Please tell me how you go from wanting to get the hell away from him to coming home the next morning from his bed?” I climb down from the loft.

“I don’t know.” She appears to be contemplating something in her head. “I never told you this but…” She hesitates and I realize she is about to tell me her secret but I’m not ready to share mine.

“You don’t have to tell me, Jessa,” I declare, shaking my head.

“I want to,” she assures me. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to tell me yours, until you are ready,” her voice sympathetic. “Rob reminded me of my ex. To say we ended things on bad terms is an understatement. We were dating for a couple months when he asked to take pictures of me while we were having sex. I fully trusted him; he gave me no reason not to. We continued to date for about two weeks after that.” Her head is down, reliving the moment things went bad.

“We were out at a party,” she continues. “I saw an old boyfriend and was talking with him. Nothing big, just catching up with one another. What we had been up to in the years since we had seen one another. Jason, that was my ex’s name, became furious. He started busting tables and throwing things around until his friend took him outside to cool down. Honestly Sadie, it was an innocent conversation. I didn’t even hug him hello or good-bye.” She seems adamant that I believe her. “Anyway, he wouldn’t talk to me. Just kept calling me a whore. I was in tears, practically begging him to forgive me, for what now I have no idea, but at the time I just wanted him to stop being mad at me.” She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly before continuing.

“The next day when I woke up, my phone had fifteen missed calls and twenty texts from my friends. He posted the pictures online and had his friends send it to his friends and so on. Everyone from my childhood friends to my college friends saw the pictures.” A tear rolls down one of her cheeks, but she swipes it away quickly. “After that, all the guys thought I was easy and the girls thought I was a slut. I have never regretted anything more and the thing was, I couldn’t do anything to stop it. My parents were embarrassed in front of their friends and family, not being able to ignore what I had done. That was last January. I dropped out of school and ran away from everything I knew. My parents are the only ones who know where I am. They didn’t even tell my sister, afraid she would slip at some point.” The grief and distress is evident in her voice.

“I’m sorry, Jessa,” I say, knowing it’s not enough. I know first-hand that sorry isn’t enough.

“When Rob first sat down, it was all I could think of. But after the show started and I saw him up there, I was able to see the differences between him and Jason. My therapist has taught me many coping techniques to be able to start trusting people again. Of course, those two vodka tonics didn’t hurt,” she jokes, but her laugh is empty.

“Where is Jason now?” I ask her.

“Back home. Working as a mechanic, fixing up cars. Hopefully enrolled in a wonderful anger management class,” she jokes again, but it’s not her true laugh and there is a twinge of unsettled fear in her.

“What an asshole,” I confirm.

“Yep. Speaking of assholes, what is a wasp?” she asks.

“It’s a term to describe privileged white kids with money. The actual phrase is White Anglo Saxon Protestant. Jokes on him, I’m Catholic,” I laugh, mine as empty as hers.

“I don’t know what his problem is with you. I hope you aren’t mad I slept with him.” She puts her hand on my knee.

“No, I’ve handled worse than him.”

“Don’t worry. I think Brady was ready to pounce on him when he came home this morning.” Jessa goes to stand up. “When Rob was leaving to drive me home, Brady was pulling up in the driveway. He stuck his head in the window and told Rob to get the fuck back because they had to talk about last night.”

“Brady didn’t get home until this morning?” I swallow the large lump in my throat.

“Well… yeah. Wasn’t he with you?” She answers her own question when she notices the shocked expression on my face. “Oh…I’m sorry, Sadie. I just assumed,” she says. Her eyes display her empathy to my pain.

“It’s okay. I’m going to go take a shower,” I say, fumbling to grab my robe and shower caddy before I cry in front of Jessa. I should have known he was like all the others. I didn’t let him sleep with me last night so he found someone else, most likely that Kara girl from Aces.

After my shower, Brady is washed off my body. I will no longer let him fill my head with his words, or my heart with his songs. I have to admit he played me well. At least I never acted like I wanted more than their body when I only wanted sex from someone.

Jessa is asleep when I get back in the room. She is so much braver than me to share her story. She brought up going to a therapist and I wonder if that is what I should do. My parents said it would do us no good and we didn’t need to reveal our dirty secrets to strangers. I can’t help but think that me sleeping with every male at Drayton wasn’t exactly dealing with it.

I quietly get dressed and pull my wet hair back in a bun. I grab my messenger bag and sling it over my shoulder. I stop by the cafeteria to grab an apple and yogurt before heading to the library. As it’s Saturday, the library is vacant of people, making me hopeful that the sixth floor will be unoccupied today. I try to shrug off the memory of Brady when I get to the elevators.

When I get to the sixth floor, there is no one around except the librarian assistant down the hall, making me happy to have a quiet place to concentrate on my Algebra. I put my bag down and pull out my book. I take my ear buds out since I need all the attention I have to absorb this information.

Going back and forth between the problems I have to solve, I shove my notebook across the desk and rest my head on the table. This is beyond me and I feel like such a major idiot that I cannot understand it. I really should have investigated the different colleges to make sure a year of math wasn’t a mandatory requirement for Psychology majors.