“Grant? You are in it for the long haul, right?” Brady asks when I don’t respond.

“Yes, how could you ask that?” I counter defensively.

“Have you told her everything?” I’m starting to wish I would’ve just walked by Brady; I could have avoided this entire conversation.

“She knows about my mom.” I start poking the poles into the ground over and over again, looking down so he can’t see my eyes.

“Jesus, how are you going to have a future if you aren’t honest with her?” he asks, his voice angry.

“You’re one to talk. You kept everything from Sadie until she found out,” I shout back.

“Yeah, and it was a mistake. Learn from my mistakes, Grant, and tell her.” Brady skis off toward the lift and I follow shortly behind.

Doesn’t he understand that those secrets don’t have anything to do with my future with Jessa? What good would it do for her to know any of that, except cause her to realize how fucked up I really am?

Chapter 18

Jessa

Since the first night when I had my nightmare, my parents have allowed Grant to sleep in my room. Excitedly, I wheeled his suitcase into my room myself with Grant chuckling behind me. Although Grant is set on not doing anything under their roof, we have found places to release the built-up tension that exists anytime our bodies are in close proximity to one another. I might be biased but the ski lift was the best place, making me the winner of our bet, although I was happily surprised when he hijacked my massage to get a little action. Grant insists it’s not over yet, reminding me that he still has tomorrow. I find myself anticipating what could happen every time we’re together. I know he feels my excitement and suspect he’s enjoying torturing me until he finally takes me.

The dim light of my lamp is lit, and I watch as Grant reads some book regarding management. I’m not about to bother asking if it’s for school or pleasure, because most likely it’s the latter, which completely confuses me. I cuddle up to his chest, letting my fingers graze along his body. There’s something about him in glasses that turns me on. Maybe it’s that he looks so intellectual, and I’m having the whole professor fantasy every girl has. Shifting my leg between his, I start inching closer to his neck. He moves his eyes from the book down to me and I bat my eyelashes, trying to get him interested. “You know we can’t Jessa,” he tells me, turning his attention back to his book.

I begin to give him butterfly kisses across his chest, making my way up to his neck. “Grant,” I say, and he responds with an ‘uh-huh’ while keeping his eyes focused on the book. “Have you ever been in love before?” His body tenses under my touch and he slowly puts the book down on the nightstand. This thought has crossed my mind from time to time, ever since he told me he loved me. He’s never brought up previous girlfriends or any relationships prior to me.

“Why are you asking me?” He removes his arm from behind me and sits up in the bed. It’s obvious that I’ve hit on something and I’m suddenly overcome by curiosity.

“I’m just wondering. I’ve told you about Jason, but you’ve never said anything about anyone.” I follow his body language, sitting up and crossing my legs.

“Was there ever someone else besides Jason?” he asks and I shake my head.

“No. I had a few boyfriends, but Jason was the only one I thought I loved,” I admit.

“Thought?” he smirks, already assuming the answer.

“Yes, thought,” I confirm with a smile, playfully smacking him in the chest.

“Good, that’s what I want to hear,” he says happily, swinging his arms around me, pulling me closer.

“Grant?” I ask again and apprehension flows through me. Since it’s obvious he’s dodging my question, I fear I’m about to find out a hidden secret about him that I may not want to know.

“Jessa, I don’t really want to talk about the past,” he tells me, but he has to know at this point I’m not going to let him brush it aside.

I wiggle out of his arms and sit up, my knees resting along the side of his stomach. “You know I’m not going to stop asking, right?” I cock my eyebrow at him and he grins.

“Yeah, but it was worth a try.” He shrugs his shoulder, exhaling a deep breath. “Are you sure you want to know, Jessa?” he asks, peeking at me through his eyelashes. I nod and surprisingly, he immediately starts talking. “Just like you, I thought I was in love too. I met her my senior year of high school when she’d transferred in.”

“What was her name?” I interrupt him, and he releases an exasperated breath.

“Lizzy,” he reveals. “Anyway, I met her in chemistry class. We ended up being partners. Long story short, I assumed I loved her until…you.” He gives me a small smile, reaches over and kisses me.

“That’s it?” I question, fully aware he’s holding back from me.

“What else is there to say?”

“I don’t know, Grant, maybe, like what happened?” I sarcastically ask him, and he blows his breath out the side of his mouth.

“You want the whole story, don’t you?” he clarifies. I’m never one to take half the truth and wait patiently until the bomb drops on my doorstep. Although, judging by the expression on Grant’s face, I’m terrified that I’ve just walked into a mine field.

He takes a sip from of his water bottle, trying to delay the inevitable. I wait patiently for him to divulge more of his past, praying this is the last of Grant Bishop’s secrets. “Okay…like I said, we met senior year and started dating almost immediately. I think I told her I loved her within two weeks and she said she loved me. Looking back on it now, I guess I was desperate to find someone to love. Losing my mom made me crave love, especially the unconditional kind, and Lizzy gave me what I needed. She didn’t have much family either, just a drug-addicted father and a mother who worked more hours than she was home. We spent all our time together and even talked about marriage after college. Although I had planned on attending Western, she was going to go to community college first.”

He takes another sip of his water and my stomach clenches in anticipation of what he’s going to reveal next. But I’m the one who wanted to know, so I need to face the fact that another girl loved Grant once upon a time. “Her home life started getting bad when her mom got back together with her dad, making Lizzy’s life miserable. Not only was he passed out from being high most of the time, but strange men and women were always hanging around the house. I went over there on more than one occasion, sneaking her out of her bedroom, and we would walk around the block until the party either broke up or everyone passed out for the night.” He stops and stares at me, as though questioning if I’ll be okay once I hear the remaining part of the story.

I place my hand over his. “It’s alright, Grant. I can handle it,” I assure him and he nods.

“Come here,” he requests and I scoot up, letting him hold me. “It was not only the anniversary of my mother’s death, but it was also Super Bowl Sunday. Lizzy had been grounded, but I begged her to come with me to my mom’s gravesite. She was reluctant, but I pushed and prodded until I finally wore her down. I convinced her that her dad would pass out soon and not even notice she was gone. Sneaking her out of her bedroom window, I walked her to my car that was parked down the street. I took her to the gravesite to introduce her to my mom.” He rubs his hand along my shoulder, feeling how tense my body just became. I can’t help but think that he’s never taken me there. “We got back to her house and saw that the driveway was empty, so we thought we were in the clear. Lizzy was just going to go in to change and put a pillow under her comforter so we could go to my friend’s party. We only got half-way up the walkway when her dad stepped out. Lizzy stopped and starting walking backward to me. He was higher than I’d ever seen him, and Lizzy seemed scared. He screamed and yelled at both of us, because she wasn’t supposed to leave the house.” Grant shakes his head, as if reliving the memory, but wanting it to stop.