I allow her to walk a step or two before all of my fury bubbles to the surface, and I detonate. “Amber,” I spit out, turning to face her once again. I shake with rage as I step towards her; the heartache that settled into my stomach transforms into a giant ball of confidence and wrath. I ball my fist, and when she turns around, I push all of my weight forward, swinging as hard as I possibly can in the direction of her face. I’m not exactly aiming at any one spot; anywhere on her pretty little face is sufficient. My knuckles land on her nose; I can feel the bones crunch under the force of my hand. She flies backwards and stumbles to the floor with a squeal; blood begins to flow from her nose.

I move over her, and she flinches. “I’m glad you feel good about what you did this evening; it made it all the easier for me to show you how we take out the trash in the country, even rich, city trash,” I state simply before turning on my heel to walk to my room.

When I turn around, my roommates and Will are standing in my doorway watching my confrontation. Their mouths are hanging open, and their eyes are as wide as saucers. Well, except for Jen, she’s smiling, almost gloating. “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I tell them as I push through the group to get to my room. I’m humiliated and hurt; talking to anyone about what happened would only make this despair worse.

My body collapses onto my bed, and the gravity of the situation slaps me in the face. The pain of my pulsing bloody hand is nothing compared to the pain in my devastated heart. He promised not to break me and he did it anyway. I can barely suck in breaths between my cries. I bury my face in my pillow to muffle the sound because I don’t want to draw any more attention to myself than I already have. I’m mad at myself for letting my guard down and believing that Brooks could be different. He is a liar and a cheater. I make a promise to myself that I won’t make the same mistake twice.

Brooks

I hear the argument in the hallway and wait. I knew it would happen, just not like this. I thought of every possible way to end this, but this was the only way I could think of that would make it permanent. I listen until silence returns to the floor and begin my walk to Vivian’s room. I tried to prepare myself for the yelling, the crying, for all of the scenarios of her reaction when I set this up, but it still tore my heart out to do it.

I don’t get very far. Instead of Vivian, Will is waiting for me. On some level, I was expecting that, too.

“You have lost your fucking mind if you think I’m going to let you knock on this door,” Will growls at me. His arms are crossed over his chest, and his scowl is so deep, it looks like his eyebrows are touching. He looks intimidating as fuck, and if I didn’t need this to happen, I would consider running for my life. “I don’t care what strings your dad has to pull; I want you out of our room by the time we get back from break. Vivian shouldn’t have to see your sorry ass, and frankly, I don’t think I could stomach seeing you either.”

“I don’t need to talk to her, Will. She is never going to give me another chance, and I don’t want one. I came to talk to you.” His arms fall to his sides, and the ridge between his eyes flattens out as his eyebrows begin to climb into his hairline. I’ve been dreading this discussion because it would tear my heart from my body, but for once, I need to do the right thing. “Also, I already have new living arrangements; none of you guys will ever have to see me again.”

“Brooks, I came out here to kick your ass; what the fuck is going on here?” he asks me, and I ignore him. I need to get through this speech, and if a deviate, I may lose my nerve.

“Just listen, please,” I tell him. “I need you to promise that you will take care of her and that you’ll love her with your every breath every day, because it’s something I couldn’t do. I know that eventually she will love you, but I need to know that she will have everything that she deserves. If you can promise to do that, then you win, Will; you’re the better man.”

I stand back and let him think about what I’m saying. “Can I speak now?” he asks and I gesture for him to continue. “We need to get something straight. What you did tonight was beyond fucked up, especially because I’m getting the sense that you did it on purpose for the sole reason of chasing Vivian away. I don’t know why, and I really don’t give a damn. All that matters to me is that girl in there, who is heartbroken. You don’t need to ask how I would treat her, or if I can promise to love her. I don’t care if it takes every day of the rest of my life to put her shattered heart back together; I would be grateful just to have the chance. And I certainly wouldn’t throw it away for whatever dumbass reason that you have going on. I am completely and madly in love with her, and no slutty sorority girl in a tight skirt would change that. I’m not you, Brooks. I will always be the better man, and I don’t need you to say it for me to know it.”

When he finishes speaking, he walks back into the girls’ room and slams the door behind him, leaving me alone in the floor commons area. Every one of his words is true, but it doesn’t make them sting any less. They shred whatever bits of my heart I have left, and I stand there a wilted man. This was the right thing to do, and it hurts like hell. I only hope that the pain deadens over time, because now, it’s all I have–a forever without my Clover.

2012

Vivian

“Babe, have you seen Cricket’s shoes? We’ve looked everywhere and can’t find them,” Will shouts from Emma’s room. I finish brushing my hair into a messy bun, and head out the bathroom door to retrieve the missing shoes. They are at the front door, of course, along with all of the other shoes. I’m not sure why we still have to go through this daily scavenger hunt, when the shoes–surprise, surprise–never move unless the kids’ feet are in them.

I swing down, pick up her sparkly pink shoes, and travel toward the contagious laughter coming from her room. Leaning into the doorframe, I cradle her shoes and watch as Will rolls around on the ground with our daughter. She tries to get away from his grip, but he finds a leg or an arm and pulls her back into his continuous tickles. I’m glad I hadn’t fixed her hair yet, as the carpet static has taken hold and her hair is sticking up in all directions; her curls are now a giant ball of fuzz on top of her head. It warms my heart to see them like this, and a smile creeps across my face as I silently eavesdrop on them.

“Bombs away,” Blake screams, barreling past me and jumping on Will’s back. With the distraction, Emma is able to slip free from Will’s grasp and jumps on his back. Both kids are shouting, “Get Daddy, get Daddy!” I only laugh because I know the next move in the usual tickle game of theirs. Will reaches back and plucks them off one-by-one and pins them to the ground; he then alternates between the two, tickling them mercilessly. They both become breathless and beg for mercy, and that’s my cue to intervene.

“Okay, Daddy, I think you won,” I chuckle, stepping into the room. All three have collapsed onto the ground on their backs, recovering from their near-hyperventilation. I dangle Emma’s shoes over their heads, “Come on, guys. If we don’t hurry, we’re going to be late for the game.”

“See, guys? Nothing is actually lost unless Momma doesn’t know where it’s at,” Will says. Oh what a true statement that is. I love this man, but man, he is constantly losing things. All is lost, the world is ending, because Will has lost his keys, or wallet, or favorite Bronco hat…again. Usually it’s sitting in plain sight. There is no magic GPS app imbedded under my skin, but I’ll certainly let them all continue to believe in my super-human tracking powers.