A lonely feeling settles within me at the thought of the two of them having only each other, and it makes me want to create more for them, build a family together. The thought hits me like a sledgehammer; it’s not the typical Vivian line of thinking, and I can’t explain my ease. In that moment, I’m not scared of the idea of creating a family with Brooks and our children, but I know that if I let my mind settle with the notion, guilt will no doubt creep in and squash my content.

We pass by Grace’s room, which is completely decked out in hot pink and zebra print. It looks like Barbie and Joan Jett had a paint war. It melts my heart to see a girly room filled with dolls and Barbie cars in this masculine house. We then deposit each of the kids in their own guest room to let them get settled, allowing Brooks time to show me to my room. I’m a little surprised that he doesn’t bring me to his room; I can’t deny that I’m not a little disappointed.

Brooks lays my bag on the queen-sized bed and grabs me to sit on his lap on the edge of it. With one arm coiling around my waist, he uses the other to push my hair away from my neck. “You have the room across the hall from mine. I figured you might want your things in here for appearances for the kids, but I have no intention of letting you sleep in here,” he whispers into my ear.

His breath tickles my neck and I giggle, attempting to turn away from his mouth. Scooting around to face him, I kiss his cheek, and then glide my tongue across his jaw to nibble on his earlobe. I feel him shiver under me. Brooks is not the type to relinquish control, and I certainly look forward to handing it over to him; in this moment, it is exciting to make this strong man squirm.

“That’s good to hear,” I mumble against his neck. “I may have brought some special pajamas I think you’ll enjoy.”

He throws his head back, and I take the opportunity to attack his neck, lathering it with soft kisses. “Fuck, Red, I’m not sure I can wait until tonight. Would it be bad to send all the kids to the movies with Katie, instead of staying here?”

“Yeah, I don’t think that would fly,” I answer, grinding into him and earning a muted groan.

“Can we maybe spike their juice with Benadryl to ensure they fall asleep early and stay out for the night?”

I pull away from his neck, “Did you just ask me to drug our children?” I laugh. “Yeah, I don’t think that will work either.”

“I’m kidding, but, Vivian, be prepared. I know you brought something special to wear tonight, but you have me so worked up that by the time I have you really alone, I don’t think it will be on long enough to appreciate it.”

“Noted, now let’s go find everyone and get this show on the road,” I say, giving him one last kiss before climbing off his lap.

“Why don’t you get everyone unpacked, and I’ll go get dinner going and wait for Grace.” Brooks stands to leave, but slaps me on the ass as he passes. I yelp at the hard smack.

“See you downstairs, baby.” He laughs as he exits the room.

Shaking my head at his lightheartedness, I immediately unzip my bag and hang my clothes that are prone to wrinkles. I work on unpacking my suitcase and let my mind reflect on the evening ahead of me, and the man that I can’t help but think I’m betraying.

As I unfold the lingerie I bought, I think about my expectations for the evening. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure what to expect from tonight or even if I truly want anything to happen. Either way, my nerves have reappeared full-force. I’m overwhelmed with the guilty feeling that I’m cheating on Will. I know he’s gone, and I know that he would want me to move on, but I fear that things with Brooks are moving too fast. The heart that I finally found again feels like it is being torn in two. I want Brooks–with every breath I want him–but I feel like I’m being disloyal to Will for even considering it.

It hasn’t even been a year since Will’s accident, and I’m not sure any amount of time will completely take that hurt away. More than anything, though, I want Brooks to take that pain away. I’m desperately trying to ignore the guilt that consumes me every time I let myself think about Will. I wonder if he would be okay with Brooks and me being together, and letting him be a part of our children’s lives. I can’t help but feel like I’m disappointing him, but if I listen to my heart, I realize I don’t want to let Brooks go again. Wrong or not, I want to fight for him, for us.

Closing the last drawer, I hear Blake’s laughter down the hall. I take a cleansing breath, straighten my dark blue jeans, and smooth out the soft flowing pink shirt I have layered over a white tank top. I take one last look in the mirror, and then head in the direction of the other guestrooms.

Brooks

As soon as I close Vivian’s door, I hustle down the stairs to get everything ready for everyone. I figure I would let the kids decide on dinner, but I want to lay out the options for them to pick. I want this evening to be perfect for her, and for the kids to be completely comfortable.

I don’t think I would be able to wipe the grin off my face even if I tried. Vivian, my Clover, staying in my house–and by her own free will I might add–is a freaking miracle. I’m not sure how many karmic good deeds I need to do to show my thankfulness, but it would be worth the trouble.

Just as I reach the landing of the stairs, Katie and Grace come through the door. Katie is loaded down with grocery bags, and of course, Grace is toting her favorite stuffed elephant and her purse that she insists she carry everywhere. She races to me, crashing into my knees and wrapping her arms around them.

“Well, hello there, baby girl,” I say before bending down to kiss her forehead. She looks up to greet me with a smile before she takes off past me and up the stairs.

I then rush to Katie and grab some of the bags she has begun dragging into the living room. “My God, Katie, I asked you to pick up a few groceries. I’m not stockpiling for the zombie apocalypse or anything.”

She swings a bag at me in response to my verbal jab; preparing for the blow, it faintly collides with my stomach. “Very funny. Grace said you had a date tonight, so I picked up some extra things for her and me.”

We make it into the kitchen, and she flings her bags onto the counter with an exaggerated huff and begins to put things away. “You know it would have been nice to know that I was babysitting tonight. What if I had plans?”

I try to interrupt, but she continues with her unnecessary rant. “I realize that I don’t have much of a social life, but seriously, finding out from a four year-old that my Friday night has been booked-–that’s not cool, Brooks. Besides, what is this new girl, flavor of the month, week, or just sprinkles for the evening?”

She slams the refrigerator shut and stands there, waiting for my response. Very few people would ever get away with talking to me the way Katie just did. She has been the closest thing to a female confidant that I’ve had since Grace was born, and I value her opinion. Not only is she a loyal employee, she is a friend, someone whom I can always trust to call me on my shit when others are afraid to stand up to me. So I look past her mini-tantrum.

“So, first of all, I do have a date tonight, but she and her children are here. I won’t be going anywhere.” Katie’s hands that were resting on her hips slide down to her sides, and her mouth hangs open in disbelief. Yes, this is the first time I’ve ever had a woman over to my house, and she is very aware of that fact.

“Second, while I appreciate that you are willing to give up your Friday night for Grace and me, it would never be relayed through her; I think a whole hell of a lot more of you than that, Katie. And finally, Vivian is not just some flavor of the week; she is the whole damn sundae that I would feel lucky to have every day for the rest of my life.”