I pulled my black, leather jacket closer to my body, and fought the chill in the air as I expelled a smoky breath. I was cold, freezing, but it had less to do with the temperature and more with the chill inside me. I hadn’t spoken to Jade in days, since our confrontation at the hotel, and she’d ignored every attempt I’d made to get in touch. That only made my already frayed nerves over what I was going to do intensify. I knew things with Stella and I couldn’t stay the same – I was unhappy – but I had no idea how to judge where that left my relationship with Jade. We were supposed to be heading back to school tomorrow, and I decided to get this out the way before we were forced to see each other every day and pretend.

Wanting some kind of resolution was what led me to her front door.

I knocked, hoping someone would still be awake, and the moment I thought no one would answer, the door opened, revealing my very own girl-next-door.

“Reid?”

Jade’s hair was tied up, and hung loosely over one shoulder, and she wore a grey U of B hoodie – my grey hoodie -, light purple sleep shorts, and a pair of white knitted Ugg boots that I’d bought her for her birthday last year. I stood there, transfixed. She looked tired though, and while I was relieved that she’d answered, I was also worried about her.

“Hey,” I said, finding my words. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

Amidst the frigid winter temperature, the air between us still crackled, filling with my need to pull her to me and hold her close, and the unspoken words that could no longer remain unspoken.

“Can I come in?” I asked. I inhaled the cold air, and caught a whisper of Jade’s favorite perfume. It made my insides tingle in remembrance, knowing what her skin tasted like when mixed with that scent, and our sweat. It was both heady, and a punch to the gut, winding me all at once.

“It’s late,” she replied. “What are you doing here?”

Her voice was soft, but I caught the undercurrent of uncertainty lingering under her breath.

I shuffled on my feet, wiping my sweaty hands on the inside of my pockets, and cleared my throat. “You haven’t returned my texts or my calls,” I shivered, “We need to talk.”

She bit her lip, and hesitated slightly before swinging the door open, and stepping back so that I could walk in. The foyer was dark, but I saw light coming from the living room, and figured she must’ve been on the sofa when I knocked on the door.

“Why are you still up?” I asked. It was the first thing I could think of to ask to break the uncomfortable silence crashing around us.

“I was restless,” – she looked down, and folded her arms around herself – “I was just reading.”

Her teeth started to chatter, and I stepped forward with every intention of rubbing her arms to stave off the cold, but stopped myself when her head shot up.

“You’re not dressed warm enough,” I chided, taking notice of the bags under her brown eyes. Wasn’t she sleeping? Was she troubled?

“I’m fine, Reid,” she sighed. “You said you wanted to talk?”

Her impatience snapped me out of my inner monologue about her wellbeing, and I stood taller. I couldn’t afford to allow that part of me to override what I’d come here to do, and that was to talk, to clear the air, and figure out where we went from here.

“Yeah, I uh....” I scraped my hands though my hair, once against struggling to separate what I had to do with how I felt about the woman standing in front of me. “I need to know what happened with you and Stella.”

Jade’s eyes pierced mine, and the urge to pull away was strong. I didn’t want her to see the choices I’d made, or the regret colliding with indecision. She could read me like an open book, when the rest of the world didn’t even fucking bother looking past the surface. It was one of many reasons she’d been my best friend since, well, forever.

She walked past me, into the living room, and I followed, slipping my jacket off and placing it on the arm of the sofa. She took a seat, and looked up at me as if waiting for me, like she had an idea of what was going to be said.

“Might as well say it,” I twisted to face her, “You think whatever happened to Stella’s face is my doing.”

I frowned. “You know what happened, then?”

“Kennedy and Grady filled me in, yes, and I’m struggling to understand why you believe I did it.”

“I’m not sure what to believe,” I replied honestly. “But it was hard not to take her side when I saw her face, Jade.”

Jade looked away, hurt, and fiddled with her fingers. We’d never been so fidgety around each other, and it was a sad testament to how far apart we’d grown. She’d never been uncomfortable around me, and now it looked like she was ready to bolt.

“You know,” she swallowed, lifting her head to look at me, “I was hoping that knowing me all our lives would have entitled me to getting the benefit of the doubt, at least, but obviously I was expecting too much.”

“I saw her face Jade, what was I supposed to do? You’d already left by the time I wanted to talk to you.”

“You’d already made up your mind,” she snapped.

“Jesus,” I groaned. “I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“Then what are you doing here, if not to accuse me?”

“To talk, dammit, and to figure out what the problem is.”

Jade huffed. “Stella is the problem, but I guess you just don’t see it. Everyone else can see her for what she is, why can’t you?”

“She’s only a problem because you don’t like her, and she knows it!”

Jade reared back as if I’d physically slapped her. “I’m not the one who told you we can’t be friends, Reid.”

A bitter laugh stumbled from my mouth, and the words followed before I could stop them. “I can see why blaming it all on Stella for that would be convenient for you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you are somewhat responsible for what happened between us. You decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, way before I started seeing Stella.”

Nothing was going as planned, but the only way we were going to work it out was to verbalize everything we kept to ourselves. She had to know, once and for all, that she’d done some irreparable damage to me too. I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. It was starting to gnaw away at me.

“We made a mistake,” she said angrily. “But if I recall correctly you were there too, and now there’s no going back.”

“This is where I disagree,” I replied, fighting the natural inclination to shout. Jade got me riled up in every way, and fighting with her, however wrong, was always my first reaction. Knowing that she regretted us stung. “You decided for both of us we couldn’t be more. You ran scared, and now you want to blame my girlfriend because you’re jealous.”

Jade’s face remained hard, but her eyes had glazed over at some point, and the guilt pulled at me. I didn’t want it to be this way, but once I opened the door to our now screwed up friendship I couldn’t close it. It was too late, and I was afraid we were really and truly done for.

“I think you should leave now,” she said, standing quickly. I jumped up and took hold of her arm. She spun to face me, hitting me with the force of those boundless brown eyes that I’d spent all my life drowning in.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, pulling her closer. “Not until you’ve heard everything I have to say.”

“What more is there, Reid? You’ve moved on, and I’m trying my best to stay away because it’s what Stella wants - ”

“Moved on?” I asked incredulously. “You think I’ve moved on? I’m trying to fill the fucking hole you left with someone who will never compare. Don’t you get it?”

Jade bit her lip but I still saw the slight quiver. She was emotional, more so than usual, and I wondered if the end of our friendship had taken a bigger toll on her than I’d initially assumed. Maybe she was just as bruised on the inside as I was, trying to figure how to continue living even though we had to do it without each other.