So, here I was on my first day on the job, wearing the red and blue Wonder Woman costume, crown and all, bathing a grown man. At one point, I bent over to get a towel and he reached out of the tub and bit me playfully in the ass. (I told you it literally happened!) When I turned around, he was laughing and splashing me with water. I couldn’t help but break out in hysterical laughter myself, splashing him back. When the ruckus died down, his mother reported that this particular evening was the calmest and most content she had ever seen him with a new worker.

Later, she told me that he slept through the night for the first time in weeks 159/727

that day. Maybe I had finally found my calling: Lucas’ hot piece of ass superhero.

CHAPTER 10

CEDRIC

It had been a few weeks since that night in the car with Allison. Business trips and deadlines at work had kept me busy and unable to visit her during the weekdays at the diner.

Not one hour of any day went by when I didn’t think of her. The feel of her soft skin in my hand replayed in my head over and over as I held onto the memory of the only actual physical connection we had.

I considered emailing or calling her, but never got up the nerve to deal with the repercussions, at least until things calmed down.

Then, came the weekend when I realized that I couldn’t hold out any longer.

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*** We had spent Thanksgiving weekend with Karyn’s parents in New York City. They had rented three rooms at the Ritz Carlton.

Karyn and I stayed in one room, her parents in another and her sister in the third.

Friday afternoon started off innocently enough with breakfast at the hotel and then a long day of walking through Central Park and shopping on Fifth Avenue.

We somehow ended up right in front of Tiffany’s. Karyn and her sister, Krystina stopped in the window, which displayed a handful of diamond engagement rings, and Krystina started blatantly asking what kind of ring she liked, right in front of me. I immediately stepped away from them and faced toward the street, but my ears were still in tune to them.

“Princess cut, two carats,” I heard Karyn say, loud enough for me to hear.

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I got the impression the conversation was some kind of set up to let me know what type of ring she wanted when that time came.

Princess cut, two carats.

This was my first realization that Karyn and I were on two totally separate tracks, because I knew that time would never be coming…with Karyn.

Then it all really came to a head later that night. During dinner in the hotel dining room, the pianist played a rendition of Billy Joel’s Always A Woman. It was beautiful, but haunting and melancholy at the same time.

As I sat listening to this song in the candlelit room, I drowned my sorrows in scotch and realized how lonely I had been the entire weekend, just going through the motions robotically. A volcano of emotions seemed to fly out of me with every chord of 163/727

the song, pouring out the things I had been harboring for the past month.

I missed the sight of Allison so much.

I didn’t deserve her.

I could never have her.

I hated myself.

I didn’t love Karyn.

Why was I here?

Princess cut, two carats…Princesscut, two carats…

I was losing my mind. Karyn was oblivious, chatting with her sister about our plans to visit the Guggenheim the next day.

I stayed in my own little world, until Karyn abruptly suggested we go back to our room for an early nightcap. I was half-drunk and numbly followed her out of the restaurant, neglecting to say goodbye to her family.

In the elevator, I remember her nib-bling on my ear, undoing my tie and grabbing my crotch as I stared numbly at the numbers at the top of the elevator door.

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When we got to the room, she immediately went to the bathroom and put on a green and black lace and satin lingerie set she had bought with her sister at Barneys earlier that day.

When she came out, she pushed me down on the bed and started to unzip my pants. She grabbed a condom from the nightstand and started to pull down my boxer briefs, when I began having what felt like a panic attack.

My vision blurred, my heart pounded and my breathing became rapid. We hadn’t had sex in weeks, so you would think I would have wanted it badly. Instead, I felt nothing except guilt, as if I was being unfaithful because my heart was somewhere else entirely.

My heart was with a woman who didn’t even know she had it.

I started panting, pushed Karyn off of me, and got up off the bed, zipping up my pants.

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Sitting on the bed with my head in my hands, I became ashamed of what I was about to do.

“Cedric? What the fuck is going on?” Karyn stared at me with daggers in her eyes, which were starting to well up with tears.

“Karyn…I…I…don’t know.” I really didn’t even know how to explain what I was feeling: why all of a sudden, being with her no longer made sense.

I certainly couldn’t tell her the truth: that I thought I might love someone else, someone I had only spent barely an hour with and by the way, she has no clue, I have been stalking her for weeks while I lied through my teeth to both of you.

Karyn’s mascara ran down her cheeks as she cried out. “Well, you better fucking figure it out! You have been so distant this past month, Cedric. I have tried everything to get you to come out of this funk, but 166/727

apparently you don’t want to be brought out of it. I seriously hate you right now.” Not more than I fucking hate myself.

“Karyn, I don’t blame you. I am so sorry. I think I need to go back to Boston tonight. I need some time…I didn’t mean to hurt you…I just…I can’t do this anymore. I am so…so sorry.”

I truly meant it. I never wanted to hurt her. I never meant for things to turn out this way with her.

“Fuck you,” Karyn spewed as she went toward the bathroom and slammed the door.

I could hear her crying gasping for air then she turned on the water, possibly to hide the sound.

I felt horrible, but grabbed my suitcase anyway, packed it as fast as I could and left.

***

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I was determined to see Allison come hell or high water the Monday after I abandoned Karyn, along with our relationship, in New York City.

The weekend seemed to drag on as I sat unshaven in my condo, my ass glued to the leather couch, as I smoked and listened to old discs. At one point, I freakishly came across the song Allison by Elvis Costello, which nearly put me over the edge.

With that, I had an intense urge to see her and almost drove to her apartment in Malden without a plan. I thought I could make up a story about why I was there, but nixed the idea because I didn’t think I was of sound mind to see her and couldn’t come up with any excuse that made a lick of sense.

I was still exhausted since I had driven late Friday night back to Boston from the Ritz after I sobered up and rented a car.

Karyn and I had originally planned to fly back together on Sunday.

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By now, I hadn’t gotten any sleep, looked like ass and I reeked.

*** On Sunday, I decided I couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself any longer; I needed to talk to someone. The only person I could trust with this was my older brother Caleb.

Caleb and I were two years apart and he was the only one in my family that actually knew what happened in Chicago.

I could never bear to tell my parents anything. They were going through so much with my sister Callie at the time and then as the years went by, I continued to keep the past in the past and away from my family…except Caleb.