To this day, my mother knows very little about my time in Chicago, including the sordid intern years after graduation. But Caleb had come to visit me shortly after 169/727

everything went down senior year and was a huge help in getting me back on track to finish school, keeping in touch by phone every single day after he left. I couldn’t have graduated from Northwestern without my brother.

Caleb lived about ninety minutes away in New Hampshire with his wife Denise. They owned a large new colonial style home that sat on three acres of rural land. I liked to go to Caleb’s whenever I needed to clear my head. They had no kids, so it was a peaceful place away from the noise of the city.

Denise had been trying to get pregnant for a few years with no success. They had planned on kids, which is why the house they built is so big. The echo in their house is like the elephant in the room. I am still hoping it will happen for them one way or another because they are both such good people and would make great parents.

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After the hour and a half-drive to my brother’s door, I pulled up to the circular driveway of their house, which was located on a quiet cull de sac.

Denise greeted me at the door with a warm hug and I could smell the pumpkin and

turkey--aromas

of

Thanksgiving

leftovers heating in the oven. It was nice to have a home cooked meal after the cold Thanksgiving

I

suffered

through

in

Manhattan.

“Hey little brother! You look…tired.

Come on in, sweetie.” Denise hugged me. I liked that she thought of me as a brother.

She was a great girl and had been Caleb’s college sweetheart at UNH. Denise was petite with medium length dirty blonde hair and the kindest eyes you have ever seen.

“Saying I look tired…is that another way of saying I look like shit? It smells wicked good in here,” I said, tending to 171/727

resort to Boston-speak when in the presence of my family.

Caleb ran down the stairs and we gave each other the usual quick manly hug. It was good to see him. It had been a couple of months.

Caleb was two years older than me, about fifteen pounds heavier, three inches taller and worked as a contractor. We shared the same brown hair and blue eyes, but while I typically wear dress shirts and designer shoes, Caleb was often seen in a brown Car-hartt Jacket and boots. Today, I was unshaven and dressed more like Caleb, wearing jeans and a hooded black sweatshirt.

“Hey, man, let’s go into the garage and talk while Denise finishes up dinner,” Caleb said as he opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of LandShark beer, leading the way to the heated three-car garage off the kitchen.

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“First of all, you look like absolute shit,” Caleb said once we got into the man-cave.

Giving him the finger, I said,

“Yes…Denise already made that clear, thanks, shithead.”

Caleb took a swig of his beer and after letting out a huge belch, turned serious.

“Ok, you sounded upset on the phone when you said you needed to talk. I know it’s important, because you never say you need to talk.”

Caleb took another sip and sat down on one of the swivel chairs next to his tool bench.

The room was quiet as I looked at my brother, leaning against Caleb’s pickup truck and sighed. “Yeah, man…something major’s happened. I think you know what I am gonna say.”

He nodded

slowly. “You found

her…you talked to her?” Caleb whispered.

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Denise didn’t know anything about what happened in Chicago either because I swore Caleb to secrecy. If my mother ever found out I kept something like that from her she might never forgive me.

“Yeah,” I said, not knowing where to begin.

“What’s she like?” he asked.

I paused, not knowing how to sum up all the feelings Allison conjured up.

“She’s amazing, man. But the problem is…my brain sort of misfired when I actually laid eyes on her that first time. I forgot all the reasons I was looking for her in the first place and now…I can’t stop thinking about how much I want her…for myself…which is all kinds of wrong. I have been fucked up ever since that first day.” I then filled him in on all of the details from the first diner meeting to the car ride to my freak out with Karyn.

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Caleb burped and pointed his beer in my direction to make a statement. “First of all, Cedric…I am glad you finally broke it off with that cold bitch. That’s all I am gonna say about that. No one in this family liked her and if it took this situation to do it, then so be it. Second, I will say that given what happened twelve years ago, I think the feelings you have for this Allison are completely normal. You can’t help how you feel. I don’t know why you are beating yourself up about it. Any man in your shoes would feel the same way.”

“You know why I can’t go after her.

It’s one thing to have urges and another to act on them, knowing that it could never work out,” I said, staring into my brother’s eyes, which were identical to my own.

Caleb’s tone softened. “You know I have never looked at what happened in Chicago exactly the way you do. We’ve gone through this before. You’re being too hard on 175/727

yourself. What you need to do is go down to this diner again, grow a nut sack and ask her out, plain and simple for the sheer fact that you are not going to be able to function until you get this out of your system. Find out if she’s even available, for Christ’s sake! Then, you need to really get to know her and if you continue to feel this way and things develop, you need to tell her the goddamn truth. Let her decide what she wants instead of assuming you know how she is going to react. If she sees the guy that I see, knows the guy I know…she’d be nuts to leave.” Leave it to Caleb to turn crazy into something that kind of made sense.

I took a deep breath and nodded trying to ingrain my brother’s comforting expression into my memory. I would need it tomorrow.

Denise came down the stairs and interrupted our conversation to let us know dinner was ready.

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We moved upstairs into the kitchen and enjoyed the feast that my sister-in-law had spread out for us, sitting casually on stools that surrounded a granite island. I watched the way Caleb caressed Denise’s back and stared at her throughout dinner, like she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

For the first time in my life, I think I am starting to want what they have .

I want to share my life with someone.

After dinner, I hugged my brother and sister-in-law goodbye, leaving the warm candle lit house for the cold November air and drove back to Boston feeling more confident about tomorrow.

*** When I walked into the diner, I saw her immediately.

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She didn’t notice me right away. I stood at the door and my heart nearly skipped a beat because I had forgotten how pretty she is.

Allison was sitting in the corner with a freakishly tall older man, laughing at his jokes. She seemed to be on her break.

I stayed by the door until she looked in my direction and waved over at her with a half smile when she noticed me.

Upon seeing me, the happy look on her face abruptly turned surprised and then serious…almost pained .

Fuck. That wasn’t what I was hoping for.

“Allison,” I said, walking slowly walked over to the table from which she was just getting up.

“Cedric…what a surprise.”

Allison looked nervous, not at all the comforting presence I remembered from our car ride.

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“I wanted to stop in and say hello…it’s been a while…find out how the Bright Horizons thing went?” I asked.

She still looked serious, nothing like the sweet, happy, Allison I left in the car that night.