I was her first and she wanted me to be her last? That was a lot of pressure.

My mind was spiraling out of controlthat day and I was scared that if I talked toher, that she would be able to sense it or that 497/727

I would impulsively break up with her, so I ignored her all day. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I ended up doing worse.

It had all just become too much for me. I had myself convinced that I needed to test the waters…see how I really felt about her…by distancing myself…even if Amanda wasn’t aware why.

Sarah was a girl who lived on my floor across the hall on the girl’s side. She was tall, blonde and on the girl’s basketball team. Sarah had been flirting with me since the beginning of the year and I had always ignored her because I had a girlfriend.

That night, my door was open and Sarah happened to walk by and stop in my room. At first, it was innocent. We were just talking about music and jobs after graduation. At one point, she put her hand on my leg and gave me a look. I wasn’t even as attracted to her as I was to Amanda, but like I said, I wanted to test the waters, test myself.

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I pulled her into me and started kissing her.

That moment was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it.

My door slammed open and I threw Sarah off of me. There stood Amanda, in her sweatpants and Beatles t-shirt she slept in often. Her hair was in two pigtails. She looked angelic, but furious, like she had dragged herself out of bed in the middle of the night to come here.

“Cedric? Oh my God. Oh my God,” she seethed as she covered her mouth in shock.

I was mute, completely speechless and breathless. This was not what I wanted.

I never ever would have chosen to hurt her like this. I finally found the strength to speak.

Panicked, I said, “Amanda, it’s notwhat it looks like. We…just kissed. Nothingmore would have happened.” 499/727

On that note, Sarah jumped off my bed and ran out the door, without saying a word. She knew I had a girlfriend, so was just as guilty as I was and certainly not shocked by this scene.

Amanda stood in the doorway, just staring at me. “I’m gonna be sick. I’m going to throw up,” she said, before suddenly turning around and bolting down the hall.

By the time I tried to reach her, the elevator doors had closed. I pushed the button frantically, hoping to catch her, but it was too late. When I made it to the parking lot, I could see her father’s black Honda Accord speeding off onto the road, before it disappeared.

That was the last time I saw her. Her last words to me that night had been ‘I’m going to throw up.’

I raced back up to my room, dialingher number over and over, maybe a hundred times. Pick up. Pick up. She never 500/727

picked up. After an hour of calling her repeatedly, I had enough.

Running back downstairs, I got in my Volkswagon Golf and sped down the road and onto the highway to head to her parents house in Naperville. I was going to explain everything to her when I got there…let her know that I still wanted her in my life, but that we should slow down. I didn’t want to lose her. The kiss was a mistake, one big mistake that meant nothing.

On my way to her parent’s house, I passed an accident on the highway with multiple police vehicles responding. I didn’t bother to look too closely to see what had happened because I was driving so fast to get to her. It looked like the accident was just clearing anyway.

I just needed to get to her.

When I got to Amanda’s house, I noticed that her father’s car wasn’t there.

Amanda never came home. Her mother’s 501/727

car was gone too. I knocked on the front door loudly, because I could see from inside Amanda’s room in the converted garage that she definitely wasn’t inside her bedroom because she slept with a night light and it was pitch black in there. As no one answered the front door, I felt nauseous and knew something was wrong.

I decided to wait in front of the house, hoping that she or someone would come home. With each passing minute, I worried more and more that something bad had happened.

Then, about an hour later, my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Cedric,

it’s

Mrs.

Thompson.

Amanda’s been in an accident. You need to come to the hospital. She’s at Chicago Memorial.”

“Wha…Is

she

okay?”

I

asked

frantically.

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She hung up and the phone went dead.

It wasn’t until I got to the hospital that I realized the accident I passed on the highway was Amanda’s car. I fell to my knees in the waiting room as her mother’s brother Todd told me what he had heard.

She was in a coma and fighting for her life.

She had hit a guardrail.

No one else was hurt.

Crying hysterically, I prayed to God to take me, not her.

Please,

God,

save

her.

I’ll

do

anything.

I would never forgive myself for causing her to storm off, probably driving erratically and crashing her car. She was so upset. I kept hearing her voice.

‘I’m going to throw up.’

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The look on her face would be etched in my memory.

Weeping and shaking my head, holding a hand to my trembling mouth in disbelief, I kept replaying the sound of her voice.

‘I’m going to throw up.’

‘I’m going to throw up.’

Begging my mind to stop replaying those words, I couldn’t stop crying.

***

Looking down at her now, three days later, I made a decision that if she pulls through, I would do everything in my power to be a better person. She needs to know that she mattered…matters…to me.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name…

Ed and Elaine walk into the room as Isaid the Our Father to myself silently, closing my eyes. Elaine looks white and Ed faces 504/727

the back wall away from me. My heart drops as I realize that the doctor had pulled Elaine aside in private. What had he told her? Was Amanda going to die? Oh, Jesus, no.

Ed left the room and I looked at Elaine, still sitting at Amanda’s bedside.

“Elaine, please tell me…what’s going on? What did the doctor say?” Elaine shook her head in silence and buried her face in her hands.

“Elaine…please.” My voice shook in fear.

“Cedric…nothing has changed with Amanda’s condition, but the doctor just gave us some news, that I am afraid I wasn’t expecting to hear.”

“What…what news?”

“Cedric…”

“Elaine…what happened?” I yelled.

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Elaine was too shaken up to speak and started to cry, burying her face in her hands.