I pulled out my phone and called Jamilah’s mom as I approached the hospital. The sun was starting to rise, and I knew that Riley and the guys would be wondering where I had gone. A flash of guilt flooded me when I realized that Riley would be left with those vultures, but I knew she could take care of herself. I was scared that she wouldn’t talk to me again. I felt that I’d committed the ultimate betrayal by sleeping with her and leaving her by herself.

“Hudson!” Jamilah’s mom cried into the phone.

“Where are you? I’m at the hospital.”

“We’re in the ER,” she cried, and I felt my heart pounding as I walked quickly to find her.

I navigated the corridors in a cloud of fear as déjà vu hit me. I hated hospitals. They made me think of death. The last time I’d been in a hospital had been when Clara died and I’d never wanted to come back to one.

“Hudson,” Marcus called out to me in a soft voice as I walked into the emergency room’s waiting area. He looked small and worried as he sat there next to his sobbing mother. Tears were furiously rolling down her face, and as she looked up at me with small red eyes, I felt my feet freeze.

“How is she?” I asked after a few seconds, all the blood having drained from my face as I looked into her bleak eyes.

“She nearly drowned.”

“Is she okay?” I held my breath, waiting for an answer, praying to God that she was okay.

“They said she’s going to be okay.”

I felt my heart start again. I walked over to her and put my arms around her, awkwardly trying to comfort her.

“I don’t know what I would have done!” she sobbed. “My baby. My little baby.” She cried into my shoulder, and I patted her back.

“When can we see her?”

“I don’t know.” She continued to cry, and I just held her. I rubbed her back and smiled at Marcus.

I didn’t want them to see my pain and worry. I wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that they could count on me as a man. I hadn’t been there for Clara when she’d needed me. I hadn’t been there to help her. I hadn’t been there for her mother when she died. I hadn’t known what to say or what to do. How could I have faced her, knowing that I’d been with another woman the night she died? It seemed to me that no mother would want to hear that her daughter’s boyfriend was a dog. I didn’t think she wanted to hear that I’d been about to break up with her daughter either. She didn’t want to know that my dating Clara had been a mistake. That my heart had belonged to Riley since we were teenagers.

“I don’t know if I can take this again.” Jamilah’s mom jumped up. “How am I supposed to look after my kids and work? I can’t seem to do both. My poor babies. I just don’t know what to do.”

“It’ll be okay.”

“How?” She shook her head. “I can’t seem to find another job. I can’t keep leaving my babies at home while I go to work. I can’t afford to pay someone. And I don’t take help from the government. I’m not some welfare mother. I may be a single mother, but I’m working hard to take care of my kids.”

“There’s no shame in accepting help when you need it. That’s what it’s for.”

“I don’t want to be that woman,” she sobbed. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard, but every day it’s something else. Every day someone is trying to bring me down.”

“It’ll get better.” I didn’t want to tell her about the million dollars. What if I didn’t win?

“I’m scared.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “How am I supposed to raise two strong, intelligent babies if I’m never there?”

There was silence in the room as we sat there, and I felt Marcus grab my hand. I looked down at him, and he looked scared. There was a look in his eyes that I shouldn’t have seen in a young boy.

“I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“You got your own life, boy.” She shook her head but gave me a quick smile. “Thank you for offering though.”

“I mean it.” I rubbed Marcus’s back to try and get him to relax, and I realized that my words meant nothing without actions. I could say anything I wanted. Words were meaningless.

“Hi, Mrs. Brown?” A doctor walked in with a clipboard and I stood up. “You can come in and see Jamilah now. She’s a very lucky girl.”

“Thank you, doctor,” she sobbed. “Thank you.”

I left the hospital feeling slightly happier. I’d gotten to see and talk to Jamilah, and I had felt life come back into my soul when her eyes lit up when she saw me. I had hugged her and held her tight to me. I pulled my phone out and dialed the number I had memorized by heart even though I hadn’t called it in years.

“Hello.” Her voice was soft and hurt, and I felt terrible.

“It’s me.”

“I know.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked stupidly.

“Where are you?”

“I had to leave.”

“I see.”

“You don’t, but that’s okay. I’m not the guy for you, Riley. I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough for you. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you.”

“You did not take advantage of me.” She sounded angry.

“I was supposed to be your protector, Riley. Not your lover. You deserve a man who’s upright. I’m not that man.” My voice cracked as my heart broke. “I need to amend for my sins.”

“Clara’s death is not your fault.”

“I should have been with her that night. I shouldn’t have left her. I shouldn’t have been with you. What I did was wrong.”

“We were both wrong, Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“No. No, it’s not. You were caught up in the moment.”

“I deleted the text message, Hudson. She sent you a text message to come and get her and I deleted it. You didn’t know. Don’t you see? It’s my fault. I’m the one who stopped you from going to get her. If it weren’t for me being jealous, you would have gone to get her. She’d still be alive.”

I stopped dead at her words. I felt sick to my stomach and my face paled.

“Hudson, please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry. You have to know that I never would have deleted the messages if I’d known. I just wanted to be with you. I didn’t want you to leave. I’m the bad one here, not you. Please don’t close down or blame yourself anymore. If you’d known, you would have gone for her. If you’d seen that text, she’d still be alive. I’m so sorry, Hudson.”

I hung up the phone and let it drop to the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or see. Everything in me had frozen at Riley’s words. She still believed in me after all that. That was what made me feel worse. That she still had complete and utter faith in me after everything.

I collapsed to the ground and slammed my fist into the concrete, screaming and shouting. I sat there with my bloody fist in my hand and closed my eyes. This time, all I could see was Clara’s face as I tucked her into bed that last night with a flask of whiskey. “Sweet dreams,” I had whispered in her ear, my mind only thinking about Riley and the night ahead. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I smiled at her as she gazed up at me with hurt eyes.

She’d known, like I had, that it was over between us. She’d known I’d been distant. I thought she’d known how I’d felt about Riley. The one thing neither of us knew was that that would be the last time we’d ever see each other.

I jumped up off the ground, grabbed my bag, and started walking. Riley was wrong. I was responsible for Clara’s death, and if Riley knew everything, I knew she’d never believe in me again. And that was the most troubling thing to me out of everything. I couldn’t stand for Riley to know who I really was. Because if she knew, she would hate me forever. Just like I hated myself.

Riley

Present Day

It had been two weeks since I’d seen Hudson. He hadn’t been at the gym on the days I’d gone and I had been too numb to care. I didn’t blame him for hating me. What I’d done was wrong and I wasn’t sure if I would have been able to forgive myself either. That didn’t stop it from hurting inside, of course. The pain was raw and deep. I felt like I had been ripped open and my guts were hanging out for all the world to see. To have come so close to happiness again and lose it was devastating.