“Stop! You’re making me crazy.”

“Am I? I’m just looking at you, at what’s mine.”

“Listen, sailor, you don’t own me. I’m not yours.”

“You’re right, I don’t own you.” He bent, still hovering, but his mouth came close to my ear. “I never want to own you, but you are mine. You’re mine to love as long as you’ll let me.” He released my arms and then turned me onto my back. Smiling, he said, “Can I kiss you now?”

He didn’t wait for me to answer.

• • •

It was sunny the day we reached the winery. We were greeted by Susan and Guillermo and a very excited Chelsea. I learned that Susan had already begun planning the wedding and making travel arrangements for my family and friends in Chicago. She really was like a mother to Jamie, someone I felt would always be a large part of our lives. Her children were grown, and although she often laid on a thick layer of tough love, I knew underneath it she was a soft, loving, and warm person who put a lot of value on family.

We settled into our life in the barn. Jamie said we should stop calling it the barn and start calling it our home. I loved him for that spirit. He built me a writing loft inside of it with a window that looked out onto the vineyard. I spent most of my days up there writing, and sometimes I would look out and feel like my life couldn’t possibly be real. I would sit up there and watch Jamie interacting with the other workers or operating some huge machine or just standing out among the sea of vines, staring up at the sky and marveling at his own life, the same way I did.

Just Bob had sent me on a bit of a journey that year, and I didn’t blame him for making me think I should be closed off to love. I thanked him for showing me the contrast. It’s hard to know how green the grass is if you’ve never been on the other side of the fence. That’s the whole point, right? Sometimes I think that if I were preaching on the L to me from a year ago, I would simply say, “Live your fucking life, Kate, and let yourself be open to love.” But then I realize that’s not the kind of advice people understand and take. Everyone thinks they’re living their life.

This is what I would really say: “Leave your life. Leave everyone you love, every care, every stress, every commitment. Live alone. Understand what it feels like to know that if you go into cardiac arrest, choke on a piece of hot dog, or get electrocuted, no one will find you. You’ll rot. No one will mourn you. Imagine this feeling haunting your thoughts for the rest of your life. You’ll wither and vanish, and some stranger will take care of your things and your burial, and you may not even get a placard. Imagine that, live it, and let yourself believe that you should be alone, and then go back to the people who love you.” That is what I would preach. That is the challenge I would present. Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and the readiness to show appreciation in return. On my journey, I learned what it felt like to live. To live is to be grateful.

• • •

The sky was cloudless and more beautiful than usual on the day of our wedding. Jamie looked gorgeous in a black vest over a white dress shirt. I watched him standing under an iron arch, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I was hidden behind the massive tent set up for our reception, but could see through an opening that the seats on both sides of the aisle were filling up. We didn’t have a wedding party, but we had invited all of the greatest people we knew. Susan, Guillermo, Chef Mark, and their families were there. On my side were all my new siblings and their significant others. Even my newly acquired grandparents and stepmother were there. I spotted Jerry and Beth and smiled really wide when I saw Dylan and Ashley take a seat.

I watched Jamie for several moments. Sometimes you can learn even more about someone by watching them from afar. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his hair was tousled messily. He was absolutely adorable, smiling at all of the guests. I could see the excitement coursing through him, and I could tell that he was touched by how many guests had come all that way to California for us.

The ceremony was to be a casual affair at dusk, that magical hour when the sun tucks itself behind the hills but the sky still glows steadily. I left my hair down in soft waves against my back. My veil was attached to a wreath made of wildflowers, and my bouquet was a bunched-up cluster of daisies and poppies. I wore a vintage white lace and satin dress and very natural makeup. I wanted to marry Jamie purely, as we were, the way we saw each other.

“There are a few things I need to say before I walk you down that aisle.”

I turned to see Paul, my father, looking dashing as ever in his black suit. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hi, sweetheart. First of all, Jamie is a lucky man. You’re beautiful and smart and you deserve to be cherished for the rest of your life. If you don’t think with a hundred percent certainty that Jamie will be able to do that, then I will bust you out of here in ten seconds flat. Just say the words. There’s still time,” he said in the most pragmatic tone.

We both laughed. “I’m sure, Dad.”

“Okay, fine. The next thing is that if you don’t know with one hundred percent certainty that you will be head-over-heels in love with Jamie forever and a day, then I will do the same—I will bust you out of here. That’s my job, if the need arises.”

“You won’t need to do that. I know what Jamie and I have.”

He nodded. “Okay, now, as for you and me, I want to make a promise to you that I will be here for you, no matter what, until the day I die. Even though you met your husband before your father, it doesn’t mean that you’re not still my baby, and I would do anything to protect you.”

“I know,” I said and then kissed him on the cheek.

“You have to promise me something.”

“Yes.”

“When you finish polishing that manuscript, you’ll send it to me first.”

“I promise.”

“Good, now we have a wedding to attend.” He stuck his elbow out to me, and without hesitation I took his arm. I watched Jamie the moment I turned the corner. There was a magical light in his eye as I came walking down the aisle. He watched me with wonder and amazement until I reached him, and then he smiled at me so beautifully it made my legs shaky. There were no words, just a knowing exchange from my father to Jamie, two cordial smiles and a handshake.

He took my hand in his as we turned to face the officiant. Under his breath, Jamie said, “You’re even more beautiful than I imagined. How is that possible?”

It took everything in me not to lean up and kiss him. Instead, I squeezed his arm and quietly said, “Thank you.”

Our ceremony was like being in a bubble. I knew our loved ones were watching, but we were able to tune out the world and take each other in. I could tell when we read each other our vows that Jamie felt the same way, like we were the only people in the world.

“Katy, my angel. Since the day I met you, I’ve been falling in love with you, and I vow to never stop. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than by your side. Nowhere but here do I feel as whole and most genuinely me. I promise I will do the best by you and our children.” He swallowed and his eyes began to water. “I promise that these hands will hold you with passion and thoughtfulness and warmth and respect every day for the rest of my life.” I had never seen a man look so equally strong and sensitive. My lip began to quiver and my eyes filled with tears. He squeezed my hands, encouraging me to say my vows.

“Jamie, you are my light. When I found you I could finally see the leaves on the trees and the intricate details in fabric. I could finally hear the birds calling to each other. I finally felt alive. I woke up when I met you, and you’ve given me more than you can imagine. I promise to never take the love that exists within us for granted. I will stand by you no matter what, and I will be grateful. I will give you everything that I have inside of me for all the days of my life.”