“Okay, but he’ll call, it’ll all work out,” she said with sadness in her eyes.

“I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks, Suzy.” I walked towards my room staring at my phone, wishing I could cancel my last message.

I crawled into bed, cocooning myself in the blankets, shutting the world out. My eyes grew heavy from the never ending tears.

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stop my mind from thinking the worst. I checked my phone over a dozen times, but Kayden never replied. I must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing I knew ten a.m. displayed on the clock.

I forced myself to get up; I needed caffeine. I felt numb and my mind hazy. I heard my phone chirp from the kitchen. I turned my attention away from the brewing pot to the hallway. I wanted to run to see if it was Kayden, but I didn’t want to seem too eager. He’s turned me into a crazy person in a short time. I’ve never acted like this before with anyone. I walked slowly to my room and grabbed my phone unable to resist the urge to talk to him any longer.

Kayden: Morning, beautiful. Sorry I fell asleep last night.

How should I respond to him? I didn’t know what to say, or how to deal with someone like him.

Kayden: WTF with the song, babe?

I swallowed hard because I knew it was a scathing song. I knew it would hurt him. When I sent it, I didn’t give a fuck.

Me: It fit how I felt last night. I’m sorry.

Kayden: It’s mean… It starts out sweet, but it was like a slap in the face.

I felt like a total piece of shit. He had a shitty day and I was being a bitch.

Me: You didn’t just fall asleep last night, Kayden.

Kayden: I know. We were talking and drinking and I came in my room to call you, but I must have passed out or fallen asleep.

Me: Why didn’t you call this morning instead of text? Have a hangover?

I knew my remark sounded snide, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be the one he turned to, he leaned on.

Kayden: A bit. Let me get up and get myself straight and I’ll call you in a bit.

Me: Fine, but don’t forget about me this time.

Kayden: I could NEVER forget about you.

I already felt left behind, forgotten.

Me: Felt like it last night.

Kayden: I’m sorry, Sophia. I’ll make it up to you.

Me: Call me in a bit, I’m going to have some coffee and I have things to do.

Kayden: Ok, baby doll. I’ll talk to you in a bit.

I wanted to throw my phone or slap him in the face. The anger inside me hadn’t subsided from last night.

Me: Ok. I’ll be around.

Kayden: I love you.

I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel important anymore. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe, a vital part of his day, but that feeling had vanished.

Me: Love you too.

I dressed, grabbing my coffee and headed for the door. I wanted to keep myself busy today. It was a Saturday and I hoped that Kayden and I would spend much of the day Skyping. He never had a day off when we’re apart and I wanted to take advantage of every minute available. I wanted to get my errands done quickly to free up my afternoon for him.

My phone rang a couple hours later on the way to my last stop. Kayden’s name appeared on my screen and my heart thumped in my chest like it always did when seeing his name. He hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Heyyyy,” he said.

“Hi. Whatcha been doing?” I asked.

“Listening to this fucking song,” he slurred.

Fuck, was he drunk? My heart sank.

“Have you been drinking already?”

“A bit, but I can’t stop listening to this song. It’s so fucking mean, Sophia.”

“Jesus, really? How much have you had already?”

“Enough.” I heard ‘Never There’ in the background.

“Fucking amazing. I can’t believe you are drinking this early, Kayden.” I closed my eyes, a sense of doom filled me. “Call me back when you get sober.” I clicked off the phone.

It’s morning, but he had already drank enough for it to affect him. Is this how he handled a crisis? What more didn’t I know about Kayden—drinking alone and drinking heavily? He disappeared again, I assumed he passed out. I finished my errands and returned home.

Throughout the day sporadic text messages popped up on my phone from Kayden, none of them making sense. He never stuck around long enough to hold a conversation, although I doubt he had the ability to form a coherent thought.

“Hey.” Suzy knocked on my bedroom door.

“Come in, Suzy.”

“Let’s go. Get ready; the girls will be here in an hour. We’re all going out.” Suzy stated firmly.

“I don’t feel like it, Suzy.” I shook my head.

“You’re not sitting here all night waiting for him. Up, come on.” She pulled my arm to get me moving.

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to sit home and worry about him; he didn’t seem to worry about me. Suzy was right, I needed to get out and enjoy some time with my girls.

“Okay. I’ll get ready,” I said, climbing off my bed to riffle through my closet.

Kayden had a bottle of booze to keep him company; I have my girlfriends to fill the void cause by his total absence. I’ll be damned if I stay home sitting by the phone waiting for his call.

The pattern continued for days, as we fought. When I would convince him to talk on the phone his speech was slurred and his words confusing. He rarely made sense, and I missed the man I had known before—the one that would make me shriek like a schoolgirl, the one that would talk to me until I fell asleep, and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. Now I could barely hold a conversation with him. He denied his drunken stupor with stories about why he would disappear. I knew now what happened.

After a week of him drinking and disappearing, I scheduled an immediate impromptu flight to New Orleans on Friday after work. I needed to be with him, and he needed to be with me. I had always told myself I would never get involved with anyone that was an addict. I’d always steered clear of drugs during my life, but alcohol was everywhere. Could he control himself, or was he an alcoholic? I wanted to think that if he was, I had the ability to save him. I wanted to be the good in his life that made him want to change. I needed to talk with him and find out exactly what was happening. I loved Kayden, and I was in too deep to turn my back on him.

When the plane touched down, I found a cab driver willing to take me to his apartment. I was so nervous and hadn’t talked to Kayden since yesterday. I stared out the window and rubbed my sweaty palms together. Was I crazy to show up unannounced? I had to know he was ok. I had to see it for myself. I texted Kayden a few times during the drive, but received no response. The taxi pulled into the parking lot where it all began. Our first kiss and all the happiness and joy that I felt we would have together.

I walked to the door hoping someone would be home to let me in. I knocked on the door, and heard voices in murmured tones and laughing. I waited a moment before knocking again. It opened slowly and one of his roommates stood behind it.

“Oh… hey Sophia. What are you doing here?” Tom said as he began to close the door a little bit so I couldn’t see the entire living room.

“I need to see Kayden,” I started to push against the door.

“He’s not here,” he said as he began to push back.

“I know he is, jerk, just move out of my way,” I said as I pushed the door open. His truck’s in the parking lot, I just had to get to him.

His roommate moved away after I pushed him into the wall behind the door. I walked through the apartment with all the men looking at me strangely. They all said hey to me, but were on edge. I felt their eyes on my back as I reached the door, but none of them tried to stop me. I thought about knocking, but wanted to surprise him. I slowly turned the handle to make it as quiet as possible. I walked through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks.